Chapter One

         He found himself thrown into an abyss. Like quick sand, the more he struggled to fight his way out, he only found himself sinking more and more. The thing is, he didn’t want to get out. He didn’t want to leave this abyss he found himself in, although he did hope and pray that one day soon She would come pull him out. His hopes soared high and he didn’t want them crashing down. He held onto that sand for dear life watching his front door day and night, checking his phone for a call or text, even hoping that maybe she would even end up on his Facebook soon, but nothing though. There wasn’t anything to give him any slither of hope. He was ready to just give it all up and climb out. The kid was starting to let go…

            Let’s go back to the start though, back to where the two first met. Church. He wasn’t much of Godly person, just something he did with the family every Sunday morning and faked in front of his mother. She too seemed about the same, neither of them really cared about their spiritual selves, although, she did it as more of a “Safe than Sorry” kind of thing. He didn’t know what to believe, he was very unsure about everything. Sure, he believed that there was a “God” but just not entirely sure of “Whom” this God was. He went every Sunday with his family, as did she. Sometimes he would go without his family just because he actually liked the services and the messages told in this place he didn’t even believe in.

            He and his friend Ken went together one Sunday by themselves. The two took their place in the doughnut room. Yes, doughnut room, they gave free doughnuts during service. Maybe that’s another reason he went every Sunday. The two sat in the back like they always have. Just like any other day, nothing very special about it all really. The stars weren’t aligned, the moon wasn’t full, nor was love in the air. Nothing seemingly different about this day what so ever, but of course this changed and he wouldn’t even give an ear to the pastor and his half-hearted speech. All attention to everything else was lost when She walked into the room. He can’t remember what she was wearing that day, but he knows that she was absolutely the most beautiful thing he had ever seen in the world. She and her mom were late to service, worship was already coming to a close and the pastor was making his way onto the screen. Her mother asked if the seats next to them were taken, he of course told the truth and politely motioned to the available seats next to himself. The mother took the seat furthest from him while the beautiful girl took her place beside the kid.

            He was never the type to make the first move; wasn’t ever the confident one. He was shy, scared, and unsure of himself. It was never likely that this kid would ever win over any girl’s heart by making the first move since the move would never be made. He was feeling daring though, he was feeling brave, he had this burst of courage weld up inside him and felt so compelled to say something to her. He had to! Okay yeah, he didn’t know this girl, didn’t know the first thing about her, didn’t know her name, didn’t know her likes, dislikes, or even if she was straight. Well she must’ve been straight; she was in church for Christ’s sake. That guy doesn’t approve of same sex stuff, but then again you never know now a days.

            It took a good few minutes for the words to leave his mouth, but they came out eventually. This was it, his first impression, the first words she would hear him say to her. He knew he had to make it good, he knew he had to try and sweep her off her feet somehow. He didn’t know exactly what he was thinking, but he did it. He spoke words to her. He said “Hi, my names Jason” although the words weren’t to here. He introduced himself to her mother with his hand out waiting to be shaken. Her mom replied promptly and shook his hand politely, but when his hand aimed to the beautiful goddess next to him, she just politely shook his hand and gave a small smile. That was it, nothing more, not even making eye contact. He was hoping so desperately that he would at least learn the name of this great beauty. Nope, just not happening. He was shot down and oh so very disappointed. Mission Failed…

            The rest of the church service he couldn’t pay a single thought to what the pastor man had to say. He hardly even looked toward the screen where he could be seen reading from his holy book. He couldn’t break his gaze from her. Sure it was only from the corner of his eye, but at that moment, that small corner of his peripheral was the most important piece of sight to him. He cherished it and wished he could fixate his whole gaze upon her, but he feared the thought of looking like a creeper. Okay, him staring at her from the corner of his eye was pretty creepy already, but she didn’t know what was happening. He made sure she couldn’t see his secret gaze. He analyzed where her eyes were and thankfully for him they were hidden behind her elegant hair. Her eyes didn’t have the ability to catch him watching her from his peripherals. Soon though she did clear that elegance from her face. He was almost caught when this happened. The clearing of her hair revealed her eyes, her beautiful brown eyes, which captivated him even more. He wasn’t satisfied with just peripherals anymore. Instinctual, his head began to turn ever so slightly on it’s own. He wanted more of her in his sight; he yearned for his entire gaze to be locked onto her. It was like magnetism, which yanked on his head, the strongest pull in history.

            She caught him. She found him out and saw him staring. She didn’t turn her head, but her pupil shot to the side of her eye and exposed Jason’s secret stare. His head snapped straight to the screens. He began sweating like a pig. It was clear he was found out and he hadn’t the faintest idea what to do. There was no coming back from it, but he wondered if he could some how get a second glance at her. He didn’t see this happening at all though. Her hair remained where it was keeping her eyes in clear view. Sure he could try, but there was a chance of being caught once again. He wouldn’t dare try once more. She did already shoot him down with that terrible first impression he made.

He thought he should have done something cleverer, sprang a joke, or say something witty to at least crack a giggle from her perfect lips. He damned himself for not paying more attention to Shakespearean style of speech. Maybe he could have impressed her with poetry or maybe even shown off his smarts with some sort of fun fact. He wasn’t very smart at all though. He wasn’t even too bright. He was more of dork than a nerd.

            The service was coming to an end, the closing song came on and everyone stood up for the final song. He didn’t sing. He didn’t want to make the situation worse by scaring her. He was terrible singer. In fact, he could probably kill someone with his voice. It was that bad.  She didn’t sing either, not out of fear but just because she really didn’t like this part of church anyway. After the song ended, he gave them a smile, said his goodbye and they back. Soon afterwards she was gone, lost from his sight. He didn’t know if he would ever see her again, but he was very grateful that he was at least able to have the privilege of seeing such a beauty in his life. He thought to himself If only I could make her mine. I know I could make her the happiest girl in the world. I would treat her right and love her with all of me. She would never be sad if She were with me… It was truly Love at First Sight.

            But oh how he was so wrong…

Author's Note

Please be Honest

Reviews

[Taal Vastal]

Woo! What a wall of text. Before I even read it I already have to say: Break it up a little! Maybe add double spacing between paragraphs, because right now it looks like something from academia.

If you haven't noticed yet, I'm really ****ing blunt. Just how I was made.

The way you've talked about trading glances and looks is pretty accurate, and a lot of people will be able to relate to that. Well written.

One problem you have right now (having not read any of your subsequent chapters yet) is that your main character's only trait is that they feel not good at anything, and they're an agnostic white male who goes to church.

But people aren't really like that. People have quirks, oddities, peculiarities. No one is truly ordinary - and no character should be either. Make sure your's isn't.

Other than the lack of physical space, your writing is quite well paced. That's good, and quite rare in the grand scheme of things.


I'll read the next few chapters over the next few days, and review them. Would you prefer I do short reviews like this one on each chapter, or longer reviews every 3 or 4 chapters that deal with more overarching flaws and strengths? Because I want to cater to what you need in a reviewer, especially as both you and this story have so much potential.