That Woman

That woman drives me insane,

with her small brown eyes,

and her cutest smile.

Sometimes i feel a fire in my heart,

when i see her in the park,

but she can't see my red face.

She keeps talking with her dog,

while I'm standing here.

That woman drives me crazy.

I could ask for one or two beers.

Reviews

[Amy R]

What a beautiful poem, admiration is perfection to me,
I love when someone enjoys innocence (little little things in life), like here, when you're looking at her talking to her dog, melts my heart, it's definitely sweet.

-Amy

[Dorian]

Thank you so much :). I love this poem but I loved her more.

[Amy R]

You're welcome, I understand.

[JayG]

So...someone I know nothing about likes an unknown woman. Umm...what's in it for the reader? I like lots of things. Are you burning to know them?

You don't use poetic language, or a metrical approach, so in the end, it's a you talking about you—a closed loop.

My point? No one came here today to learn how you or I feel and what matters to us. They came to be entertained by being made to care and feel. They want to be impressed by interesting use of language; by vivid mental images that are created by you the author's words; by the emotion your words create within them.

In example, this is the lyric to the song, "The Twelfth of Never," released in 1957. Look at the opening:
- - - - -
You ask how much I need you, must I explain?
I need you, oh my darling, like roses need rain.
You ask how long I'll love you; I'll tell you true:
Until the twelfth of never, I'll still be loving you.
- - - - -
Notice the clever trick played on the reader: The speaker is replying to a question the reader supposedly asked, placing that reader INTO the poem, as the beloved who has asked that question. And since it’s one we might ask of someone who loves us, the answer is inherently interesting (especially since, if it’s a good answer we might use it).

So with “You ask,” and without realizing why, the reader is emotionally involved. That’s brilliant writing, because this one line makes the rest of the poem meaningful to the reader.

In response to the question of how long their commitment will last, the speaker dismisses it as supposedly obvious. Yet it’s a critical question, so the seeming disconnect again draws the reader in, with the unspoken comment of, "Well yes, you absolutely must tell me, because I need to know." So, given the attitude placed into the reader with that thought, it feels as if the poem is directed at us. And that’s a HUGE hook. Right?

The response is 100% allegorical. It says, in effect, “I can’t live without you,” but does it in a pretty and interesting way.

The question/answer sequence then continues with a clever twist, Love will end, but on a date that’s an impossibility.

It’s emotion-based writing that calls up context that already exists in the reader/listener’s mind. But even had they never heard the expression “like roses need rain,” it would be instantly meaningful.

It’s part of a song, but this first verse, for me, is a perfect example of emotion-based poetry.

Let's take it one step further, and look at the FLOW. It's metrical poetry, so it rhymes. But notice that the rhymes aren't the obvious Moon/June type, and the words fit the thought so well that the rhyme seems incidental, an accent rather than a drumbeat. And, each line has the same cadence: seven beats per line that the reader, or singer, will fall into, enhancing the experience.

Make sense?

Aside from the great lyrics, it’s a pretty song. The most popular version of it was recorded by Johnny Mathis way back in 1958. A live recording, later in his career, is here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2PnPnSjCUnc

[Dorian]

I'm too lazy to read this comment so I'll probably just do it my way.

[JayG]

In that case you might want to add a, "Praise only" disclaimer.

Something to think about: Had I praised it, you'd have accepted it as your right, without question. But because it's not praise, you pretend it didn't happen.

They've been refining the skills of poetry for centuries, learning how to pull the reader in, emotionally. Dig into them and you avoid the beginner's mistakes. Skip that step, and...

But, since my goal was to help, not argue, I'll just wish you luck and bow out.

[Dorian]

I think it's amazing that you spend time to write this, thank you. I didn't even care that much lol

[Dorian]

I wrote a text called "praise only" thank you for helping me

[A.H.]

this is romantic confession of sorts. I like the simplicity in this write and the innocence love blooming in the heart. nicely written and expressed. thanks for writing and sharing, Dorian.

[Dorian]

Such an explanation. Thank you for stopping to read my poem.