Surfing and gay birds

December 1, 2011
surfing and gay birds
I had paddled out into the chilly, upper 50’s water just past 3rd point in Malibu. Unbelievably, there was only one other guy out. Wave quality not so good. I sat up on my board about 20 feet from him. Didn’t want to get too close but at the same time stay in the right place to catch a wave. Not too far out nor too far inside.  I tried to get his attention by looking in his direction but he refused to acknowledge my existence. “Whatever, I thought. Kind of lame and uncomfortable but whatever. I sat there enjoying the solace that only a surfer knows.
I couldn’t have been out there any longer than a half hour, neither of us catching any waves or saying a single word. I was just sitting and spacing out when I notice a kind of swooshing sound and noticing it was getting a little louder. Just as I started to turn my head to look around, BAM! something hits me on top of my head from the rear! What the hell.......then SPLASH! in front of me. I look to see what it was, I’m a little stunned but realize a seagull had crash landed into my head, flipped over and back side crashed about 5 feet in front of me! He was more stunned than I was! He sat there for a few seconds I guess, composed himself and took off! I started laughing and turned to the guy and exclaimed to him, “Did you see that? That was crazy! This guy, barely moving,  makes the most uncaring, emotionless hmmpf sound I have ever heard! I mean come on, a bird crash landed on my head and barely a response out of this guy! I confirm to myself that he is just a complete dick. I paddle around aimlessly for a few seconds then head towards shore. Didn’t need that kind of company.
I think about him on occasion and about his dickness but then I wonder. I don’t really know him and I think he may have had a legitimate reason or two for not caring. I have considered a few options.
One. He was gay. I had paddled up to him. All sleek and wet, muscular, rad blond hair. A true surfer. He trembled as I got closer. Would I take him in my arms, kiss him on the neck, give him a rad reach around? Would I ask him to go to Palm Springs and shop for a mid century dining room set riding shotgun in his Miata or BMW X3 listening to ELO and sing out loud? When I got hit by the gull was he so embarrassed for me Because I was so gorgeous and something like that shouldn’t happen to someone like me? He swears to himself no one will ever know of this and he does one of those invisible key things on his little lips and throws the imaginary key over his sloping shoulder. He sheds tears as I paddle away. He will not be bunking with any hot surfer tonight he moans.
Two. He just recently arrived in a time machine. He was part of an experiment in 1896, Penn State. High heat build up and hurled through time and space, goblins nipping at him and landing on a pile of dead guys who vaporized when they landed. He paddled out on a stolen board to put the fire out of his old timey outfit. He wasn’t really wearing a wetsuit, just some charred wool suit. A seagull crashing into some dude’s head would be incredibly mediocre compared to that!
He thinks about me, back in 1896. Trys to explain surfing and gayness to his buddies. They can’t figure out surfing but proclaim they are all gay upon hearing of his adventures. After all, gay had a different meaning back then, OR DID IT?
Joel James Alesch