EATEN!

I was being EATEN! Eaten ALIVE!

 I like to take showers. Hotter than hell water, long time. Posing with my leg crossed over the other, hand behind head, elbow overhead against the wall. The water hits me in the back of my neck as I’m looking down. This allows the water to run down both sides of me at the same time. All my fur flowing like grass in a river, hugging my masculine curves. The water flows to the tub and down the drain carrying with it the earth, grease, insects, dead skin, scabs, boogers, lard, ocean debris, solvent and anything else that adheres itself to me in the week that separates my showers.

My little shelf below the window stores many cleaning items. I have to do this right. I lost I chunk off my side a few years back. My shower intervals were different then. Once every 63 days. That was my birth year. Some barnacles had attached to me during a night mission I’m guessing. They took over my left side at my waist and set up camp and went to town for about 46 days! I guess they were eating me alive but that is not where my title comes from. Lets get back to the cleaning supplies. I love the suds. I’m in the shower, I soak then I suds up. I start with shampoo. My head and all other heavy fur zones. The secret, don’t rinse. I have to get as many cleansers on me at once that is humanly possible. I have a different shampoo for below the waist, and a different one for my arms. I have eyebrow/eyelash enhancing lather. The whiskers I leave for the chops and lip edge get a treatment. Hand cleanser with a little bit of abrasive, not only to sand off hardness but to allow a little extra grip on the cleaning agent containers. Remember, I’m not rinsing yet. N****e salve. Cuticle conditioner, foot solvent and softener. Ear turbo wash, tattoo managing lubricant, naval jelly, arm pit anti bacterial wash, creamy butt and hole mega wash 5000 with dingleberry dissolver. Toothpaste, gum wash, throat wash, tongue descaler,  cavity filling polish to keep the mercury looking its best. Nasal wash, ear canal wax off stuff, outer ear foaming balm, behind the ear cleaner. I use 409 on my knee caps and elbows. Always have, always will. I have a special lavender heavy sudsing compound for me cark. Soothing scrubbing bubbles for ball 1, more aggressive version for ball 2. Ball 2 gets dirtier, go figure. My grass below gets a nice almond conditioning to “keep ‘em curly.” Which is also the brand name. By now my water starts to run a little cold so I pull the nozzle from the bracket and usually aim from low up from my junkyard to my belly sending the brown greasy lather up against the walls and tarp I use for a shower curtain. This goes on for quite sometime and the water is cold by now. I am ankle deep in cold, brown, greasy, stinky, (both sweet and disgusting) chunky water that I have to stamp down the drain for at least 5 minutes. I have spent a lot on that stuff but at the same time can loose up to 6 pounds after my routine, hence the title. I am a new man, with a new color.

 I quickly put on the same clothes while I am still wet, get on my adult tricycle and race back to the docks before my barge leaves and my shift starts.

12-31-2011