Man and His Nature

Everything was tranquil:

The tall grass disheveled, twisted and still,

The elephant was soundly sleeping

Downhill until...

Wildness!

The tall grass swayed terribly,

The hill relentlessly jolted - 

The elephant awoke

But it had no more time

To shout "Swiper, no swiping!"

Because it was being choked!

It shuddered, it threw up.

Eventually, it died.

And everything became tranquil again.

Reviews

[sedatezoe]

What i really like in this poem is the use of new form of imagery for phallic symbol to depict the nature of a man. This new image for the phallic symbol gives twist as well as difficulty to find the meaning of the poem. It is also commendable that you presented the poem with dignity in a gloomy atmosphere.
But i think it will add more difficulty to the poem's meaning(if you want to completely puzzle your reader) if you remove the first clear impression of its title which is, the nature of man. The "Human Nature", as these words are defined and as we all know, generally denotes the first characteristic of a MAN as an animal which is sexual pleasure. "Swiper no swiping!", there you have it!hahaha..hmmm..but I think this one blocks the tone of your poem.hehe.:)

[Sir Joe]

Thank you so much, my friend, for having an in-depth look through of this poem of mine. Your points prove that you've probed through the piece thoroughly. I just thought that the words "Swiper, no swiping" would shatter the darkness engulfing the first part of the poem.


- joe

[Winslow Des Totes]

Very interesting! The Swiper part made me chuckle also, but as the title denotes, and elephant in mans grass cannot be, and must be killed. I agree again with Ceri, in that this piece is incredibly thought provoking. Also, I enjoyed your use of diction and syntax, but the imagery is what really won this for me! Great write!

[Sir Joe]

Thank you so much for the appreciation, Winslow. (=
Thanks for taking time to read and give a constructive review on this poem. (=

[Pax]

di ko talaga ma connect yung picture to the poem then i realized the metaphor your using...then suddenly ...LOL...you add up a green humor in this poem...enjoyed the intriguing metaphors...hehe

[Sir Joe]

(=
Thank you so much Kabayan,,, (=

[RachelReaper]

Is this a poem about what I think it is...?

[Sir Joe]

hahaha
If you smiled after reading it, then I must say "yes!". hahaha
Thanks for taking time to read this. (=

[Stabitha]

This is nuts. In a good way.

[Sir Joe]

Thank you (=

[Sir Joe]

This poem is actually about what most men do at times, or should I say, most of the time.

[Tweezy]

it's a kool poem; though.

[Sir Joe]

This poem is actually about what most men do at time, or should I say, most of the time. (=
(LOL)

[K.]

I love this,
in such few words, you bring the story from peace to chaos and back to peace again,
well done.

[Sir Joe]

Men are men.
I hope you enjoy reading this.

[consistentwritin]

I'm left a bit puzzled at what actually happened. Get's me thinking, sure, but I would have liked a little more "explaining". I'm thinking is the choking a metaphor or not. Perhaps you succeed perfectly at making the reader think.

[Sir Joe]

I don't want to give its meaning vulgarly. heheh
The poem actually describes what a man/male does to himself at times. (=

[Tiffy Yvonne]

yes i love the twists and turns

[Sir Joe]

Thank you, Tiffy (=

[Tiffy Yvonne]

your welcome ;)