Man and His Nature

Everything was tranquil:

The tall grass disheveled, twisted and still,

The elephant was soundly sleeping

Downhill until...

Wildness!

The tall grass swayed terribly,

The hill relentlessly jolted - 

The elephant awoke

But it had no more time

To shout "Swiper, no swiping!"

Because it was being choked!

It shuddered, it threw up.

Eventually, it died.

And everything became tranquil again.

Reviews

[sedatezoe]

What i really like in this poem is the use of new form of imagery for phallic symbol to depict the nature of a man. This new image for the phallic symbol gives twist as well as difficulty to find the meaning of the poem. It is also commendable that you presented the poem with dignity in a gloomy atmosphere.
But i think it will add more difficulty to the poem's meaning(if you want to completely puzzle your reader) if you remove the first clear impression of its title which is, the nature of man. The "Human Nature", as these words are defined and as we all know, generally denotes the first characteristic of a MAN as an animal which is sexual pleasure. "Swiper no swiping!", there you have it!hahaha..hmmm..but I think this one blocks the tone of your poem.hehe.:)

[Sir Joe]

Thank you so much, my friend, for having an in-depth look through of this poem of mine. Your points prove that you've probed through the piece thoroughly. I just thought that the words "Swiper, no swiping" would shatter the darkness engulfing the first part of the poem.


- joe

[Ruthie Igunbor]

Nice imagery

[Sir Joe]

Thanks

[Daisie Vergara (Dhaye)]

Nice piece and choice of words (actually, figure of speech) to describe man's nature. No need to rate it mature, for the readers have their own interpretation.

[Sir Joe]

Thank you, Dhaye. =)
So you've already changed your name. =)
Nice name.
=)

[Daisie Vergara (Dhaye)]

No, it was actually my nickname which I often use as pen name in my works since I started writing (when I joined WC also). I just use Hear My Mind because I am doing my book (Hear My Mind) then.

[Sir Joe]

Ahhh. It's nice knowing your nickname, then, Dhaye. =)

[Daisie Vergara (Dhaye)]

:)

[Marc Marlon Villaflor]

Sir Joe, :) I love this piece as I admired your ability of selecting perfect words. I smiled every-time I re-read it. When the elephant starting to take the stage, it is awesome, as it plays a lot of things in my mind including the chaos, the wilderness and the tranquility. vise-versa. Love the twisted thought you injected in this work. Great job.

[Sir Joe]

I can't thank you enough, Sir Marc. =)

[Marc Marlon Villaflor]

Great words play, it is vivid and captivating. Good work!

[Sir Joe]

Once again, thank you! =)

[Devanshu Rajput]

good choice of words....enjoyed the excellent piece....keep writing.

[Sir Joe]

Thanks, Devanshu Rajput =)

[Devanshu Rajput]

your welcome

[Michael G. Smith]

The man's destructive nature; a natural enemy to God. Sometimes nature is for his sport of just for fun, perhaps no reasons at all. You brought all these thoughts in a scene. You are an excellent storyteller.

[Sir Joe]

Thank you so much, Sir Michael Smith.
=)

[The dark story]

GREAT!!the rhythm of this poem.is really very much appreciable..
"Downhill until...
Wildness!".the way you gave a little pause and then the way you stressed on this"wilderness"..really artful.......and after that the rhythm of the poem was just going thrilling.."terribly,'..."relentlessly jolted -"...these words really add life to it's rhythm...

"Eventually, it died.
And everything became tranquil again.".you ended it in a very relaxing way..the rhythm slowly coming at the bottom...
i bet.you are really a very good writer....i love reading your poems

[Sir Joe]

thank you so much atiba (=
i'm so glad u appreciate this piece. (=

[Josh]

That pesky fox is always trying to swipe our stuff. Good imagery and use of pauses.

[Sir Joe]

Thank you, Josh. (=

[CHRIS ANDES]

ah ok
the hidden nature of a man
haha,...I can't really make such poems like this one though I've tried
=]