Reminiscences of the Dead

What's in the mind of a dead person, supposing its mind still thinks while its body rots?

My eyes opened in hesitation

As darkness turned to dawn.

The warmth of the sun's rays

Battled with the cool air

That caressed and teased

The foliage of the trees.

The chirping of the birds,

The sound of the breeze,

The swooshing of the leaves

And the whistle of the kettle,

Oh! How I so marveled

At how musical they were, altogether.

Still feeling so sleepy,

The view was blurry:

The curtain that flew

Made me see the hue

Of the sky that's so blue,

Oh! How I so marveled

At the beauty of sight after my slumber.

I smelt the soft bed and pillow

Where I drooled and wallowed.

The aroma of the creamed coffee

Found its way from the kitchen onto me.

Oh! How I so marveled

At the zestfulness of the smell.

Sadly, darkness has conquered my sight,

And it's letting me see no spec, no light.

Numbness and coldness has engulfed this body,

Subjecting it to decay and insectile scrutiny,

Asleep forever in this abyss of nothingness,

I'll be eternally unconscious, why, my goodness?!

Oh! How I so yearn for and miss

Waking up with the taste of bliss.

Reviews

[Bhavya Kaushik]

This piece really has a lot of depth for me. It elucidated on lot of things, unraveling a lot of thoughts. Certainly a very delightful read. I'm going to rate it 100/100 - but there are few things that I would like to tell you here :)

Though the choice of words here is very appropriate, but at some point - I felt like you are forcefully rhyming the lines. It is not always essential to rhyme your lines - sometimes, most of the time - free verse is more beautiful than the rhyming lines.
For example, in lines
"The curtain that flew
Made me see the hue
Of the sky that's so blue," - I felt like you are "trying" to rhyme here. Though it sounds very beautiful and the flow is perfect - but it felt a little forceful.
Also, here:
Asleep forever in this abyss of nothingness,
I'll be eternally unconscious, why, my goodness?!
This line was again felt forceful.

One more thing I'm going to point out here, which probably no fellow poet here will tell you (this is something that I personally believe, and you can ignore this advice if you want to). But, I think so that a poetry should have a structure.
For example, 3 paragraphs of 4 lines each. This poem on the other hand have number of lines in each paragraph as: 2-4-6-7 and so on. A lot of people will have no objection on this, but I consider it while I read, a lot.

Rest the poem is very beautiful :) Great work here.

[Sir Joe]

Thank you so much, Sir Bhavya. (=
I will consider these pointers. (=
I really appreciate this review of yours. Not all poets would tell you negative things. That is why I'm more than thankful to have read these words from you.
I used an indefinite number of lines per stanza because that's what I observed from other writers. I just thought that that would not be considered much especially during these post-modern times. Anyhow, I'm still glad that you mentioned those things. I might as well go back to the writing with a regular pattern and number of lines per stanza.
I appreciate much your words. (=
I'm looking forward to reading your reviews of my works again. (=

[Bhavya Kaushik]

No problem. Always happy to review :)

[Coyote Poetry]

A very good poem. I like the description of the coffee, nature and good possibilities. The ending change the flow of the poem. Sometime hard to find reasons to move. Hard to find things to excite the mind and heart.
"Oh! How I so yearn for and miss
Waking up with the taste of bliss."
Life teaches us to go forward even if to taste the coffee. Thank you for the excellent poem.
Coyote

[Sir Joe]

Another constructive comment again from Coyote. Thank you very much, sir. You're really like a mentor. (=

[Kimberly "Melody" Carne..]

This was a wonderful write. It captivated the essence of both life and death. The simple marvels we each take for granted. The things we long for the most as life slips away into eternal nothingness. Wonderful write! I loved it!
“The warmth of the sun's rays
Battled with the cool air
That caressed and teased
The foliage of the trees.”
This moment was creatively captured!
“Sadly, darkness has conquered my sight,
And it's letting me see no spec, no light.
Numbness and coldness has engulfed this body,
Subjecting it to decay and insectile scrutiny,”
A now we retune as were wince came, wishes, hopes and dreams all slain. Thank you for this great write!

[Sir Joe]

That was a hell of a review, Melody. Perhaps I can call you now a mentor, coz you know a lot about poetry. (=
This review that you've given gave me a boost. (=

[Kimberly "Melody" Carney]

LOL, you are both sweet and kind, though I probably know as much as you if not less. I just write what I feel. I am just learning myself. Haven't written in 17 years! I just started again on here in the late part of June. I will pass all I learn onto you. Message me. :)

[Sir Joe]

Thank you so much, Melody. (=
Looking at your writings, it doesn't really show that you haven't written anything in the past 17 years. (hehe) Anyway, it's so obvious that the fire is still burning. Our age won't really stop us from writing because it is our passion. (=

[Kimberly "Melody" Carney]

I will never stop writing now. I have been through hell and back. The journey was amazing as it has made me who I am today. Thank you for your kind words.

[Sir Joe]

You deserve all the thanks, Melody. (=

[Kimberly "Melody" Carney]

:)

[Sir Joe]

I am open to all criticisms. Please feel free to say what you think about the poem. (=
Thank you. (=

[Sir Joe]

I wrote this poem just this morning right after waking up. I just realized something. We're all complaining about the problems that we experience but we seldom see the little things that count a lot, like still having to experience the feeling of waking up rather than the feeling of sleeping forever. So, let's all be thankful for waking up every morning.
(=