Reminiscences of the Dead

Reminiscences of the Dead

A Poem by Sir Joe
"

What's in the mind of a dead person, supposing its mind still thinks while its body rots?

"



My eyes opened in hesitation
As darkness turned to dawn.

The warmth of the sun's rays
Battled with the cool air
That caressed and teased
The foliage of the trees.

The chirping of the birds,
The sound of the breeze,
The swooshing of the leaves
And the whistle of the kettle,
Oh! How I so marveled
At how musical they were, altogether.

Still feeling so sleepy,
The view was blurry:
The curtain that flew
Made me see the hue
Of the sky that's so blue,
Oh! How I so marveled
At the beauty of sight after my slumber.

I smelt the soft bed and pillow
Where I drooled and wallowed.
The aroma of the creamed coffee
Found its way from the kitchen onto me.
Oh! How I so marveled
At the zestfulness of the smell.

Sadly, darkness has conquered my sight,
And it's letting me see no spec, no light.
Numbness and coldness has engulfed this body,
Subjecting it to decay and insectile scrutiny,
Asleep forever in this abyss of nothingness,
I'll be eternally unconscious, why, my goodness?!
Oh! How I so yearn for and miss
Waking up with the taste of bliss.

© 2016 Sir Joe


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Featured Review

This piece really has a lot of depth for me. It elucidated on lot of things, unraveling a lot of thoughts. Certainly a very delightful read. I'm going to rate it 100/100 - but there are few things that I would like to tell you here :)

Though the choice of words here is very appropriate, but at some point - I felt like you are forcefully rhyming the lines. It is not always essential to rhyme your lines - sometimes, most of the time - free verse is more beautiful than the rhyming lines.
For example, in lines
"The curtain that flew
Made me see the hue
Of the sky that's so blue," - I felt like you are "trying" to rhyme here. Though it sounds very beautiful and the flow is perfect - but it felt a little forceful.
Also, here:
Asleep forever in this abyss of nothingness,
I'll be eternally unconscious, why, my goodness?!
This line was again felt forceful.

One more thing I'm going to point out here, which probably no fellow poet here will tell you (this is something that I personally believe, and you can ignore this advice if you want to). But, I think so that a poetry should have a structure.
For example, 3 paragraphs of 4 lines each. This poem on the other hand have number of lines in each paragraph as: 2-4-6-7 and so on. A lot of people will have no objection on this, but I consider it while I read, a lot.

Rest the poem is very beautiful :) Great work here.


Posted 12 Years Ago


2 of 2 people found this review constructive.

Sir Joe

12 Years Ago

Thank you so much, Sir Bhavya. (=
I will consider these pointers. (=
I really appreciate.. read more
Bhavya Kaushik

12 Years Ago

No problem. Always happy to review :)



Reviews

Dear Sir Joe

My first read and with pleasure.

'Eternal Slumber'

Now there's a title to conjure with, especially when you add the words "let's all be thankful for waking up in the morning"

Brief review? Structured? Let's see.

Of course you ring two notes here:

1) The hugely positive of being alive.

It's a celebration of life, the passage from waking to sleep and back to waking; the new day; the regeneration; the daily rebirth; the elements; sun, wind and sky; the renewed chance.

I have taken to believing, as with the opening to this poem, that each day of our lives is a gold coin. It is a gift we are offered. What we must do, how we should respond to that gift,is to spend it wisely.

2) But then in the last stanza, you take us into the troubles of the mind.

Whilst nature may be a giver, the benign, we are but frail and mortal.

Thoughts or even, as you hint, disease (mental or physical, or just straight anguish at how life treats us at times) may fracture all the idealism to which you initially refer.

You end with a hint, no rather a loud cry of loss:

"Oh! How I so yearn for and miss
Waking up with the taste of bliss."

Of course there can be days like that. There can be months like that. There can be years like that. And worst we can have a lifetime full of it.

Your initial joy turns into depression.

I know much about it.

Life is for some a roller coaster of highs and lows.

But were I you, I should always revert to the joy of the opening parts and try to cope as best with depression of the end.

Tomorrow, as you suggest, is another day, and as I suggest a new gold coin to spend wisely.

Through pain may come gain.

Go spend your next gold coin wisely.

And so shall I.


With my best wishes


James


Posted 11 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Sir Joe

11 Years Ago

Don't mention it. =)
You are kinder, of course. =)
Thank you again. =)
James Hanna-Magill

11 Years Ago

Thank you.

I think I was very tired when I got round to reading this.

I am.. read more
Sir Joe

11 Years Ago

My best wishes to you, Sir J-H-M. =)
I love this piece; it has a combination of classic,modern, dark and raw writing. The words play is excellent, you always marvel me with the words choice. The selection of words stand undeniably brilliant in context. This is relatable and beautifully penned. Thanks for sharing Sir Joe.



Posted 11 Years Ago


Marc Marlon Villaflor

11 Years Ago

You are always welcome Sir Joe, I enjoy reading your work.
Sir Joe

11 Years Ago

In the same way that I enjoy reading yours. =)
Marc Marlon Villaflor

11 Years Ago

Cheers! :) Good luck to all of us here.
Such a beautiful and lovely imagery here, I could dwell in it for hours.
I see you're married to literature as your about me says about you...
Wonderful work!

E.L.

Posted 12 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Sir Joe

12 Years Ago

thankk you so much E.L.

12 Years Ago

My pleasure :)
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...
I really liked how you mixed the sensational beauty of life and nature with all your senses in this piece!!

Posted 12 Years Ago


you've connected reality through transcendentalism
with that pieces of nature in every stanza molded it to partly speak of real fantasy
=]

Posted 12 Years Ago


deep emotions
wow
..your words are very deep
I can somehow relate to your alpha state
=]
keep it up


Posted 12 Years Ago


Sir Joe

12 Years Ago

Thank you musicfunk
(=
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Pax
Galing naman nito, first of all this its really deep, you really describe the nature's surroundings and you can feel it through the words as if you have touch the five senses. i like it. keep it up kaibigan.

Posted 12 Years Ago


Pax

12 Years Ago

now, i learned something ..i would like to try that someday....walang anuman...
Sir Joe

12 Years Ago

Hehe
A poem is better when it shows rather than tells. (=
Pax

12 Years Ago

oo nga no..yung sa akin lang...i dont show what i see, but rather show what i felt..
I liked this a lot. It gets a Great meaning of how we don't appreciate things. We take everything for granted. This was a very good write and I enjoyed reading it. Good job

Posted 12 Years Ago


Sir Joe

12 Years Ago

Thank you so much, Harley. (=
I like this one, very different from most other poetry I've read (don't worry, its a good thing). I couldn't imagine being separated from my coffee in the morning...! I'd surely stay in an eternal slumber, terrified to awaken.

Posted 12 Years Ago


Sir Joe

12 Years Ago

Really?
Thanks for boosting my confidence. (= Thanks a lot.
First of all, *smelled.. because 'smelt' is a kind of fish, haha.

I loved the first three stanzas for the 'simple' descriptions. That's the way I love it, at the least. Especially the third one.. it's just simple and closer to reality.

The chirping of the birds,
The sound of the breeze,
The swooshing of the leaves
And the whistle of the kettle..

Then again, the fourth stanza falls flat. The forced, or perhaps frequent rhymes destroy the stanza's meaning. Just read the stanza yourself and you'll find yourself enjoying the rhymes and not the actual meaning it supposedly conveys. That's the problem with rhyme.. too little of it and it's of no use, too much of it and it distracts the receiver from the message (Which is ultimately what you wanted to convey by this 'rhyming' technique).

The fifth one isn't bad by any definition. But I don't think it's 'poetic' too. Perhaps a little bit of imagery.. perhaps a little bit of metaphor.. perhaps a little bit of philosophy.. I'm not sure what should be added.

Then, I don't understand the last stanza at all. Of course, I understand it in the literal sense.. but I don't see the way it connects with the rest of the poem. And even if it does, it hits me more as humorous than philosophical or poetical.

Like I said before, the first three stanzas are closer to reality and really add color to the poem.. so why would you then describe the tiredness of getting up as "Asleep forever in this abyss of nothingness"? or use images like "insectile scrutiny"? or be dramatic as "I'll be eternally unconscious, why, my goodness?" It just doesn't correspond with the tone of the rest of the poem.

Finally "Oh! How I so yearn for and miss
Waking up with the taste of bliss."

The closing lines of a poem are very very important and so should pack a punch.. a strong message or conclusion that relates to the theme of the poem. But I don't even begin to understand the meaning of "taste of bliss". You've seen, smelled and felt wonderful things, as you say. So why would you 'miss' 'waking up with the taste of bliss'. Perhaps it's me.. but the last stanza just doesn't go well with the rest.

I'm sorry if you thought there were more negative points from me. In fact, you need no more than "This poem's good" to count as a positive reply. But a negative comment begs explanation.. and that's the sole work of a good critique. I am, I would believe, doing just that.

Keep writing.

Posted 12 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Sir Joe

12 Years Ago

Thank you so much dinesh. I looked for the past form of the word smell and luckily, "smelt" is as co.. read more

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Added on July 6, 2012
Last Updated on January 13, 2016

Author

Sir Joe
Sir Joe

Stoneville, Oragonland, Pearl of the Orient Seas, Philippines



About
Writing is one way I preserve memories, ideas, thoughts, and moments. When I write, I feel I keep a record of the pieces of my existence. Through writing, my deepest emotions become unrestrained, the .. more..

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