Reminiscences of the Dead

What's in the mind of a dead person, supposing its mind still thinks while its body rots?

My eyes opened in hesitation

As darkness turned to dawn.

The warmth of the sun's rays

Battled with the cool air

That caressed and teased

The foliage of the trees.

The chirping of the birds,

The sound of the breeze,

The swooshing of the leaves

And the whistle of the kettle,

Oh! How I so marveled

At how musical they were, altogether.

Still feeling so sleepy,

The view was blurry:

The curtain that flew

Made me see the hue

Of the sky that's so blue,

Oh! How I so marveled

At the beauty of sight after my slumber.

I smelt the soft bed and pillow

Where I drooled and wallowed.

The aroma of the creamed coffee

Found its way from the kitchen onto me.

Oh! How I so marveled

At the zestfulness of the smell.

Sadly, darkness has conquered my sight,

And it's letting me see no spec, no light.

Numbness and coldness has engulfed this body,

Subjecting it to decay and insectile scrutiny,

Asleep forever in this abyss of nothingness,

I'll be eternally unconscious, why, my goodness?!

Oh! How I so yearn for and miss

Waking up with the taste of bliss.

Reviews

[Bhavya Kaushik]

This piece really has a lot of depth for me. It elucidated on lot of things, unraveling a lot of thoughts. Certainly a very delightful read. I'm going to rate it 100/100 - but there are few things that I would like to tell you here :)

Though the choice of words here is very appropriate, but at some point - I felt like you are forcefully rhyming the lines. It is not always essential to rhyme your lines - sometimes, most of the time - free verse is more beautiful than the rhyming lines.
For example, in lines
"The curtain that flew
Made me see the hue
Of the sky that's so blue," - I felt like you are "trying" to rhyme here. Though it sounds very beautiful and the flow is perfect - but it felt a little forceful.
Also, here:
Asleep forever in this abyss of nothingness,
I'll be eternally unconscious, why, my goodness?!
This line was again felt forceful.

One more thing I'm going to point out here, which probably no fellow poet here will tell you (this is something that I personally believe, and you can ignore this advice if you want to). But, I think so that a poetry should have a structure.
For example, 3 paragraphs of 4 lines each. This poem on the other hand have number of lines in each paragraph as: 2-4-6-7 and so on. A lot of people will have no objection on this, but I consider it while I read, a lot.

Rest the poem is very beautiful :) Great work here.

[Sir Joe]

Thank you so much, Sir Bhavya. (=
I will consider these pointers. (=
I really appreciate this review of yours. Not all poets would tell you negative things. That is why I'm more than thankful to have read these words from you.
I used an indefinite number of lines per stanza because that's what I observed from other writers. I just thought that that would not be considered much especially during these post-modern times. Anyhow, I'm still glad that you mentioned those things. I might as well go back to the writing with a regular pattern and number of lines per stanza.
I appreciate much your words. (=
I'm looking forward to reading your reviews of my works again. (=

[Bhavya Kaushik]

No problem. Always happy to review :)

[Hinoto]

Only one word to describe your poem: Beautiful.

[Sir Joe]

Thank you, Hinoto. =)

[Everett DeValle]

A very thought provoking poem...your flow is superb...and the emotions you conveyed we're precise and dark. A lovely write.

[Sir Joe]

Thank you so much, my friend. =)

[Everett DeValle]

You're very welcome, Kind Sir...actually, it was my pleasure. Awesome poetry. :)

[Sir Joe]

Then the pleasure is both ours. Thank you so much again, Everett.

By the way, just call me Joe. =)

[Everett DeValle]

You got it...walang anuman. :)

[Ency Bearis]

A brilliant and profound poem, a well narrated emotion. Great write.

[Sir Joe]

Thank you, Sir Ency.

[Ency Bearis]

My pleasure, you're welcome

[Sir Joe]

=)

[Ency Bearis]

: )

[Frieda P]

Not a subject that I relish but this is exquisite sir joe....very nicely pen'd.

[Sir Joe]

Thank you so much, Frieda! =)

[Helen Crutchett]

sir joe, this was a superb poem. The last stanza was insightful and thought provoking indeed.

And yes, we should be grateful for each and every new dawn that we awake and still be able to soak up the wonders of life.

Wonderful read! Thank you for submitting this to my contest!

Helena

[Sir Joe]

Thank you so much, Ma'am Helena! =)

[Dhaye]

You're right. Let's all be thankful for waking up in the morning. A new day is a chance to live- to enjoy all the gifts you have.

Bravo! This is one of your great works ( for I know this was published into that literary magazine). I'm happy for you, Sir Joe. :)

[Sir Joe]

Thank you so much, Dhaye! =)

[Brandon S. Whitten]

Excellent read and write.

[Sir Joe]

Thank you so much, Brandon. =)

[Carol Ann Ross]

I liked the rhyme - the syntax - last verse surprised me. Perhaps a more gentle segway (don't know how to spell that) into that last verse of such finality.

[Sir Joe]

Again, thank you, Carol. =)

[marie]

this is wonderfully penned:) i love you talent you have displayed in this, just reminds me of how much joy will be found with my God once i have fallen into that eternal rest)

[Sir Joe]

Thank you so much, Marie.

[marie]

no problem i enjoyed it:)

[A. H. Pinley]

First thought that came to mind was The Beatles song "Golden Slumbers", but then you lead the reader to the succumbing of death from what sounds like in older age. Leaving the things you cherished behind. Exiting the material world and all of her beauty.

[Sir Joe]

Thanks for taking some time to read this poem of mine and comment on it. =)

[A. H. Pinley]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2qP4Ye15J0Y