13 Years

Any criticism is welcome and helpful!

I can’t explain my reasoning

Even to myself

Perhaps at 8 years old

Back when it first started

Before I knew what I was doing

But no, not now

It’s been too long, and the reasons have filtered out through time to irrelevancy

Emotions replaced with medical jargon and social misconceptions

Perhaps there never was a reason

So instead I’ll keep it hidden

And when that doesn’t work

I’ll lie

And the lies will build and become increasingly ridiculous

But you won’t question it, because who would make that kind of thing up?

It scares me how easy that has become

To tell a tale that even I now believe

Some of us know, but my stories are easier to swallow

And as the evidence fades I breathe out relief

Of no longer needing to hide my own mind and flesh

Here’s a fresh start, I say, never again, I say

Until I’m in one too many beers and have to seriously consider whether this bar bathroom could leave me with a staph infection

Until I’m stuck in bed, heavy, sinking and unfeeling

Until I’m angry and frustrated but my vocal cords never learned to scream

Until it starts again

But I’m fine, I just tripped, I’m clumsy, it was an accident

Funny story about removing the microbial loop from the autoclave too quickly

Oh someone accidently hit me with the baton during a relay

I did too many push ups and sprained my wrist

But it’s okay, I say, this is the last lie I tell

And the 8 year old inside still believes it.