Thrifty Dan

The dumbest super hero story you've ever read. First draft. Its slightly embarrassing.

Thrifty Dan

 

            My armor was damaged in last week’s battle and repairs are necessary. I walk through the office supply aisle of Walmart, preparing for the night to come. Twenty manila file folders should be more than enough for repairs. I put them into my cart, along with five bags of pencil-tip erasers for ammunition. Next I pile box after box of staples into my cart, wedging them in when I have to, stacking them tetris style until the cart is filled to capacity. I grunt and lean into the massive weight of the cart, pushing it slowly but surely down the aisle. And then I stub my toe. The pain is excruciating, but I refuse to scream. I grimace and force my self to work through the pain.

And then I see it. A weapon too powerful to be wielded by the forces of good. Many a time I’ve thought of using it, but I don’t have the courage to risk being corrupted by such an unholy substance. It goes by many names: the grey death, the adhesive demon, the silver sin and most terrifying of all… duct tape. I shudder as I pass, making my way towards the checkout.

Lindsay is working the register and smiles at me as I empty my cart. I smile back, and I want so badly to tell her what I really do every night, but I know I can’t. Lindsay thinks I’m just an accountant; if she knew any different she might be in danger. I have to keep my secret.

She’s still smiling at me, and I blush. “Twenty industrial sized box of staples? Again?” She raises her eyebrows as she examines the contents of my cart.

I play it cool. “I’ve gotten a few new clients lately. And you know I can never resist a sale.”

I admire the way she rings up my purchases. It’s a sort of elegant dance in which the items glide over the scanner, one after the other, with Lindsay as their choreographer. “I know the feeling,” she says. “There was a sale on duct tape a week ago and I stocked up. You can never have enough duct tape.”

My heart catches in my throat, and for a moment, I can’t breathe, but I pass it off as a hiccup.

“Are you okay?” she asks.

It’s so like Lindsay to care about my health. But the truth is, I’m not okay, I’m devastated, if only I could tell her. But she’s an innocent. She hasn’t seen what duct tape can do in the wrong hands, so I just smile and nod. No need to cause a scene. I pay for my armaments and head home to work on my latest project.

I pull into my driveway and step out of my Volvo, my arms filled with office supplies. I shift the staples and scotch tape to my left arm, freeing my right. I walk around the back of my house and stoop down to pry out a loose brick at the base of the wall. I pull it out, and then another, continuing until I create a space big enough to walk through. I step over the threshold,  replacing the bricks behind me.

This is my lab, the place where the magic happens. The walls are lined with shelves of failed and unfinished experiments, but scattered about are a handful of beautiful successes. My battle staff leans in one corner, an empty wrapping paper roll filled with staples for reinforcement. The powerful weapon is covered at either end with a special seal that allows me to release the staples at will and shower my enemies with torrents of stinging metal. Above it hangs my slingshot, a simple but effective weapon. My armor rests beside the staff, a nearly impenetrable shield of manila file folders, crafted to fit the shape of my body with copious amounts of scotch tape.

But tonight, I’m concerned with a new creation: the nightification device. It’s a water gun that feeds into a boiling chamber made from a terrarium heating lamp. The water tank is filled with ink that is heated to three hundred degrees when it passes through the boiling chamber, emerging from the nozzle as an impenetrable black cloud to blind my enemies. With this, maybe I’ll finally have the upper hand I need to capture my nemesis.

 

*

 

Later, I sit in the pet store parking lot, listening to Barbara Streisand on my Volvo’s fm radio. I stare into the darkness, waiting for my enemy to strike. Then I hear it, a loud banging on my roof. I turn off the radio, hunting for the source of the noise. I look out my passenger window and gasp, then sigh with relief. Just teenagers, having a bit of fun because of my costume. Typical stuff. They walk away, yelling and beating on my hood as they go. I consider bringing my wrath down upon them, but decide against it. They don’t understand the seriousness of my work. If only they understood the evil I was protecting them from… maybe then things would be different.

What was that? I hear a faint ripping noise and try to focus in the darkness. Then I see it. There’s a grey circle attached to the front window of the pet store. A hand yanks on the circle, pulling it back, and the glass from the window along with it. The hand and its owner disappear into the hole. I try to push open my door, but it’s stuck. I crank down the window for all I’m worth until there’s a space big enough to crawl through. Then I sprint to the pet store, diving through the hole in the glass, battle staff in hand.

            Inside, the lights are dimmed. The store is quiet except for the sounds of rodents running in their wheels and filters pumping water into aquariums. I sneak through the aisles, hunting my nemesis. I tumble forward, rolling to my feet like a ninja. My ears prick as the night is pierced by the shrieks of a gerbil in distress. I rush towards the sound, knocking over bags of birdseed as I pass. At the center of the store I see my nemesis kneeling over a writhing ball of fur and claws. My heart-beat quickens, my hand grips my battle staff. He spins around to face me.

            “So, Thrifty Dan, we meet again,” he says, his voice muffled by his black face mask. The rest of his body is covered in silver armor, everything but his dark, shoulder-length hair.

            My eyes narrow. “So, Doctor Duct Tape.” I take a step forward, battle staff raised.

            “Not so fast!” he says. “One more step and you’ll tempt the wrath of my newest creation!” He lifts the ball of fur into the air with a menacing laugh. “Half gerbil, half macaw, I call it… Macerbil! With the power of flight and the strength of a gerbil, he is unstoppable! Mwa ha ha!”

            I begin to sweat, but my courage holds as the beast approaches. A powerful form of duct tape bonds the two creatures together. The gerbil crawls while the macaw beats its wings and slashes with its talons. I keep my distance, hurling staples to keep it at bay. I’m forced to retreat to the far wall, and I’m running low on staples. The monster flies towards my face and I swing my staff, praying for contact.

           

CRACK!

           

            The unholy thing sails through the air and seperates into two fuzzy balls that crash into a dog food display. My staff is reduced to two pathetic, broken halves from the impact. Doctor Duct Tape takes advantage of my moment of weakness and charges. Our hands lock as we struggle for position. He grabs my collar and pushes me towards the floor. From his belt he takes a roll of duct tape, rips off a piece, and puts it on the back of my neck. I look up at him, eyes wide with disbelief. Then he does it. He pulls, mercilessly ripping out the hairs on the back of my neck. I scream in anguish and stumble forward. I crawl away, hiding behind a stack of pet carriers.

            “Come out come out where ever you are. I’ve got a little surprise for you!”

            My blood runs cold. I rifle through my pockets and pull out my sling shot. I take out a bag of pencil-tip erasers and grab one with the slingshot’s rubber band. My fingers pull back the rubber band as I step out from behind the pet carriers. I aim at my nemesis and fire, once, twice, three times before retreating behind the pet carriers once more. He falls to his knees and howls. “Curse you Thrifty Dan! Come out and fight me like a man!”  

            I emerge once more and fire my weapon. Doctor Duct Tape dodges, then produces a duct tape shield, easily deflecting my rubber missiles. Things are beginning to look desperate. As a last resort I pull out my secret weapon, my nightification device, and I fire, engulfing Doctor Duct Tape in a blinding cloud of ink.

            “You think you can hide from me, Thrifty Dan? Take this!” He hurls out rolls of duct tape, aiming for the sound of my foot steps. I dodge, but one roll hits the side of my leg, a loose strip at the end sticking to my armor, ripping it off.  That’s when I realize what I have to do. I force my self to pick up the duct tape roll. I pull out a strip and hold it tight in my hand, loading the rest of the roll into my slingshot. The adhesive side burns my skin, but I endure.  I release the roll, still holding on to one strip. The missile hurtles towards Doctor Duct Tape, leaving a destructive tape trail in its wake. There’s a loud thump, and Doctor Duct Tape shrieks. I can feel the tension on the tape as he wraps himself in his own weapon.

            Finally, the ink cloud disappears. Doctor Duct tape is trapped in a silver cocoon, unable to move, every last inch, even his hair, covered with his signature tool. My work done, I smile and return to my Volvo, leaving this criminal mastermind to wait for his one-way ride to prison.

 

*

 

            The next day I return to Walmart, but not for office supplies. That chapter of my life has closed, and that changes things. It makes me free. I go to the bakery and pick out not one, but two cupcakes to celebrate my victory. I take them to the checkout where my real prize is waiting. Lindsay smiles at me and I smile back. Before I ask the big question, I make small talk. “I like your new haircut.”

            ‘Thank you,” she says, blushing.

            “The short look suits you.”

            “Really? Thanks. Actually, I hadn’t planned to get it cut, but I was doing some home improvements and had a little accident, so I kind of had to cut it this short.”

            Home improvements… Accident… And that’s when I put two and two together, and my world falls apart.