The Coffee House Caper

When evil spies roam the earth, there is one man who can stop them. He is senor astounding, and when he's not fighting crime... he sells coffee. A double threat. Dun dun dun.

 

The Coffee House Caper

 

            It may have been the most boring day of Kacey’s entire life. The line in the coffee shop was unbearable; it seemed like everybody and their mother wanted a latté. Their menu was loaded with all sorts of other delicious drinks, but did anybody ever order them?

 No.

“Would you like to try a steamed maple-nog?—No, just a latté—How about a gingerbread brevé?—No thanks, I’ll have a latté—Pumpkin spice cider mocha peaberry smoothie?—Nah, today feels like a latté day.”

            These people were so boring; they had no imagination, no sense of adventure. They always went for the simplest thing on the menu, and even then they could still find something to complain about. No less than thirteen people had sent back their drinks, telling Kacey that his milk was too “wimpy.” Kacey could never tell the wimpy milk from the strong milk; in fact he had a strong suspicion that it was just something the customers had invented to suck whatever happiness from his soul that they could. Still, he remade the drinks with a smile. Because the customer is always right, no matter how incredibly silly their requests might be.   

            That’s not to say that all of his customers were annoying. In fact, a few were rather pleasant. Among these was a man named Higdon, a good friend of Kacey’s who owned a pizza parlor a few blocks down. Kacey smiled as he watched Higdon take a place at the back of the line. He must have been having a bad day too. His face looked drawn and thin, as if he hadn’t slept for days. He seemed jumpy. Maybe he’d had too many lattés.

            “Higdon, how’s it going?”

            Higdon solemnly cleared his throat before answering. “Señor Astounding…”

            Something clicked in the back of Kacey’s mind. Señor Astounding. No one had used his code name for so long. A cold shiver ran down his spine as he realized what it meant.

            “You don’t mean—“

            “Yes, she’s found us. Don’t panic, we can’t draw attention to ourselves. Her cronies will be on the lookout for strange behavior. Now, slowly, follow me.”

            Kacey took off his apron and tossed it to a very flustered girl who was in the middle of making her thirty-fifth latté of the day.  “You’re going to have to take over, Stevie, I gotta go.”

            “What do you mean!? You can’t leave. Look at the line!” Tears began to well up in Stevie’s eyes and she clasped her hands together, pleading with her coworker.     

Kacey paid no attention to her cries, walking into the street with Higdon at his side. His mind was a whirlwind of worry and he was doing his best not to tremble at the thought of what would happen if Heidi caught them…

 

A dark figure was standing in the alleyway behind the pizza parlor. The stranger took a paperclip from a coat pocket, expertly picked the lock, then burst through the back door. Two other hulking figures followed the first inside and all three began to search the building. They started in the office. The two giants hurled a filing cabinet against the wall, scattering its contents over the turquoise carpet.

“That’s it!” said the smallest of the three in a high-pitched, unsettling shriek. “Destroy the place; tear the walls down if you have to. No second guesses, if they were dumb enough to leave it here, you will find it, understand?”

The boss’s lackeys were ripping a fuse-box from the drywall, but managed to stop long enough to let out an affirmative grunt. In less than two minutes the office was a mangled version of its former self, but there was still no sign of the object of their search. Both of the goons pulled crowbars from their trench-coats and headed towards the kitchen.

An hour later, after much cursing and overzealous destruction of inanimate objects, they stood in the broken remnants of what was once a very respectable eating establishment. The boss swaggered in front of her two lackeys and gave them an angry glare.  

“Where is it!?” screamed Heidi, fuming as she paced in front of her frightened servants. “I can’t believe you didn’t find it! Why am I cursed with such incompetent fools?!”

“But boss we looked eve—“ He was cut off as Heidi smacked him across the face.

“No excuses! Just find it!”

Shortly after, a cell phone began to vibrate in Heidi’s pocket.

“What is it?”

A hollow, raspy voice came through the receiver. “I’ve spotted them. They’re on Main Street.”

“Do they have the case with them?”

“Yes. You want me to finish them now?”

“No. It’s too public. Get them to the drive. It’ll be better if we do it in the woods.”

Heidi closed her phone and stuffed it back into her pocket.

 “Get the car.” The words came from her throat without emotion, cold and lifeless.

 

Higdon’s knuckles were turning white from the iron grip he held on the handle of his briefcase. He was trying to keep himself from looking back as the two made their way down the lonely street. He thought they’d left in time, but he couldn’t help thinking that someone was following them. Be calm, he told himself. The person behind them was probably just heading in the same direction. Nothing to worry about. I will not look back.

He was true to his promise; he didn’t look back, but Kacey did. “Higdon, I think that guy’s following us.” Kacey was starting to hyperventilate; his fingers were twitching with fear at the thought of falling into Heidi’s clutches.

“Don’t be ridiculous, no one’s following us. Just keep your head. Go to your happy place.”

“Ok, my happy place. Purple candy canes, puppy dogs, chocolate rivers, and no murderous, Swiss mafia bosses.”

“Good,” said Higdon, giving Kacey a reassuring pat on the shoulder. “Don’t worry. You’re doing fine. We’ll be all right, I called some old friends from the agency. There’s a chopper waiting for us at the drive, just outside of town.”

“Thanks Higdon. I guess you’re right. That guy’s probably just going to his kid’s birthday party, and he’s late, that’s why he’s walking so fast.”

“Yeah.”

“He’s probably a Sherlock Holmes enthusiast too. That would explain the creepy trench coat. And I guess that gun-shaped bulge in his pocket is just a present for his kid, right?”

“Must be.”

Despite Higdon’s reassuring pep-talk, Kacey looked back over his shoulder once more and couldn’t help but notice that the strange man was much closer.

Kacey bolted; Higdon had no choice but to run after him. They both made their way towards Skyline Drive, hoping the forest could hide them from their heartless pursuers.

Higdon cursed. They were making a scene. His blood ran cold as he realized that even if the man behind them hadn’t been one of Heidi’s spies, one of them was likely to be in the area, and they would definitely notice two grown men running for their lives.

Luckily, because Heidi was already at the drive, waiting to kill them, their lack of discretion had no effect on their survival.

 Of course, Higdon had no way of knowing this at the time, so, as you can imagine, he was a fit of worry. As was the man that had been following them, because he was now over ten minutes late for his son’s twelfth birthday party. However, his son quickly forgave him after receiving the wonderful gift of a turbo ultra-cool water pistol.

It is also worth noting that in their panicked flight Kacey and Higdon unknowingly passed the unconscious body of the assassin that had had the responsibility of herding them towards their deaths. He had made the mistake of trying to walk and drink a steamed maple-nog at the same time. He was so distracted by the marvelous flavor of his beverage that he had inadvertently collided with a lamppost, inducing his current harmless condition.

 

Heidi was crouching behind a tree that had long ago sacrificed its leaves to the winter’s icy winds. She snickered as she watched Higdon and Kacey stumble closer and closer to their deaths. Her goons were struggling with a tree branch and a long coil of rope in an effort to create some type of complicated person-catching device.

“They’re coming!” she whispered. “Is the trap ready yet?”

“Yeah boss, but I think there’s a problem.”

“What!?”

“They’re walking in the other direction.”

There was a loud crack as Heidi slapped him across the face. “Never, ever, correct me. Don’t you think I already know that? Now, follow me. If the trap won’t work, we’ll just have to do this the old fashioned way.”

Higdon jumped with surprise as Heidi leapt from the bushes and into their path. Kacey was trembling so hard that his legs threatened to give way at any moment. Heidi’s two lackeys joined her and Kacey slumped into a blubbering heap. Higdon kept his cool and stared unblinkingly into the eyes of his life-long enemy.

“You’re too late Heidi. I’ve got it right here”—he held up a plain brown case, causing whatever was inside to clink and rattle against itself—“I may not be as young as I used to be, but I bet that Señor Astounding and I can still outrun an old hag like you.”

            Heidi was steaming. Her face purpled with rage and her lips became a very tight, thin, almost invisible line.

“Apparently your mind is slipping, though I can see that your mouth hasn’t. Perhaps you’ve forgotten that the Swiss are the greatest mountain climbers in the world? Remember, we are on the Skyline Drive; the slope is too steep for an old man who spends his life getting fat and thinking about the days when he was capable of more than flipping pizzas. You wouldn’t last five minutes Higdon. Give me the case now and perhaps I will let you live.”

            Higdon smiled. “Is that so? What was your guess, five minutes? Well, let’s find out how long you really can keep up.” He grabbed Kacey’s wrist and dashed into the forest.

            “After them!” shrieked Heidi. “No guns, I want them alive.”          

Kacey’s breath was coming in gasps as they sprinted through the woods. They passed an unending series of bare, spindly trees; their leaves had all fallen to the ground, conveniently hiding any raised roots or other nasty, cumbersome objects that might be lying in wait on the forest floor. Kacey was beginning to lose his nerve. He cringed at the thought of what would happen if he tripped. “Higdon, they’re gaining! Give them the case, it’s not worth it!”

            “Trust me. I’ll give them the case alright, just not yet.”

            After several more minutes of stumbling over rocks and fallen branches, Kacey began to hear a faint rumbling noise in the distance.

“Can you hear that?” asked Kacey.

            “Yes.”

Higdon glanced over to his friend and gave him a reassuring wink. Even in his terror, Kacey noticed that Higdon’s eyes were gleaming. They were approaching the top of a hill. Higdon doubled his speed and tossed his briefcase into the brush. Heidi and her minions made a bee-line for the case, allowing Higdon and Kacey to escape over the summit.

Once they reached the other side, Kacey saw what had been making the strange noise. The sleek, black blades of a helicopter were whirring just a few feet in front of them. Higdon jumped into the chopper and pulled Kacey in after him. They shot into the air, leaving their pursuers far behind.

As thrilled as he was at being alive, Kacey was still feeling a bit miffed. “Higdon… they got the case. Twenty years… for nothing.”

“It’s not as bad as you think. Come on, let’s go get a latté. I bet it will make you feel better.”

“Yeah… about that. Can we get a steamed maple-nog instead?”

“I don’t think so… today feels like a latté day.”

 

“Hey boss, I think they’re getting away.”

“That no longer matters; we have the case. Twenty long years… and now, here it is.”

Heidi was fumbling with the clasps of the briefcase. It popped open and began to emit a dazzling yellow light. Heidi wrung her hands in anticipation before lifting a handful of golden coins and allowing them to cascade back down into the case.

“Hey boss, what about our cut?”

“Yes, yes, of course.” Heidi placed a single coin in each of her lackey’s waiting hands. “Now leave me be, I need a moment to revel in my victory.”

“What do you reckon these fancy quarters are called?”

“They’re not quarters you idiot!” Heidi was trying to shout, but she was so overcome with happiness that the words didn’t have even a trace of meanness. “They are Spanish dubloons, taken from the ship of Captain Sinclair himself.”

“Oh, I guess that explains why they’re so soft.”

Heidi’s eyes widened as she turned to face her servant. “What do you mean soft!?”

“It’s all squishy; I think it’s melting.”

Heidi looked to the other and asked, “What about yours? Is there anything wrong with it?”

The giant pointed to his chewing mouth, indicating that it was full. After a moment he spoke, “No, it was delicious. But I think you were wrong about them coming from Spain. That was definitely Swiss chocolate. No other chocolate is as good as that. But you didn’t have to go through all that trouble ya know, I could have just had my uncle send you some if you would have asked.”

Heidi’s face turned a deep crimson and she hurled the briefcase into the woods. “Damn you Higdon and Señor Astounding! If it’s the last thing I do, I will have my revenge.” 

 

It was just past ten; the coffee house had been closed for nearly an hour. Stevie was alone, sweeping the floor and mumbling nasty things about her good for nothing co-worker. She put down the broom and walked to one corner of the coffeehouse to stare into the face of a clock. She did this for two reasons. The first was to calculate how long it had been since her slime-ball of a partner had decided to leave her to manage the shop by herself. The second was to wind it.

Most clocks don’t need to be wound, but this was a very special clock. It was an old grand-father clock that Kacey had insisted on putting in the shop. Stevie thought it was the most atrocious thing she had ever seen, but had agreed to let Kacey bring it in on the condition that she would never have to deal with it. But now, he was nowhere to be found, and if she didn’t wind the clock, who knows what could happen. Stevie had visions of armies of disgruntled customers starting a riot and demanding to know the time.

            She looked around the sides of the clock for some kind of twisty thingy, but found no evidence that the clock could be wound at all. Maybe it was a magic clock. After several grudging minutes of inspection, Stevie noticed that there was a small, barely noticeable line in the shape of a square at the foot of the clock. She touched it and let out a high pitched shriek as it sprang open, revealing a previously hidden compartment.

            Angry at having to go through all this trouble, Stevie blindly shoved her hand into the hole to feel for a crank. She winced as she heard the sound of cracking wood.

“Oh my god, I broke the clock.”

She peered into the hole and saw a few pieces of splintered wood. But behind that, there was something she hadn’t expected. She smiled.

            “Candy!” Stevie reached into the clock and pulled out handfuls of chocolate coins. She was giggling like a child as she began to unwrap the first piece, but no matter how much she struggled, for some reason, she couldn’t get the paper off. Thinking back to her youth, she tried to open it with her teeth.

“Ow!”

Something weird was going on here. The chocolates were as hard as rock. She picked one up and brought it to her face. Her eyes turned into giant saucers as she realized what they really were.

            She was so mad at Kacey that she could have burst. He must have planned this. All of it. He knew she would have to wind the clock; so he painted a bunch of quarters to look like chocolate coins and hid them inside of it. Stevie couldn’t believe that Kacey would go through so much trouble just to give her false hope.

She screamed at no one in particular, “Just wait till he gets back! I’m going to—” What she was going to do, no one knows, because at that moment the entire coffee house was consumed by incredibly strange, wavy lines. Then, ever so slowly, Stevie began to disappear. 

 

            “KACEY!”

            Kacey awoke with a start and nearly fell into the espresso machine. His boss had just come out of her office and was giving him a very frightening look.

            “What do you think you’re doing!? Look at this line. Poor Stevie’s trying to take care of everyone at once while you’re just lying there like a lazy bum!”

            Kacey hobbled to the counter and gave a smile to a rather disgruntled looking customer.

            “Yeah… I just bought a latté and it doesn’t taste right. I think it’s because you used wimpy milk. Could you make me another one?”

 

 

 

 

 

Author's Note

Please leave feedback :)

Reviews

[Daniel Russell]

I really liked it. Lattes and doubloons. You used a lot of the same gags, but they got funnier each time.

[Dianne]

This is a really fun story. I'm going to suggest a formatting change. Putting more white space in makes it easier to read on screen. So add a blank line between paragraphs. I think you will find more people will read your stories that way.

[cyanskye]

What fun. I love the ending, did not expect it and you wrapped things around nicely.

[A LaDy NaMeD D]

Other than a few errors i liked the story. It had a very intresting and unique plot that kept my attention and it was overall a good read. I would watch out for tense errors. A few time i caught that you changed from past to present tense. Other than that i enjoyed reading the story and i have a strange urge to drink a latte.