Talking with Satan

What do you do when the devil calls?

The devil called me today. At least I think he did.

I was driving to Houston Texas when Sevendust warned me of the unknown number trying to get my attention through my cell. I picked up my phone and glanced at the incoming number.

It was 800-666-8866.

"What an interesting number." I said, but only to myself, being that I was alone in my truck. Since I refuse to answer numbers I'm unfamiliar with, I set the phone on silent and continued to drive. But I kept checking the last number in my missed call log.

I began to wonder who would possibly be blessed (or cursed, depending on how you look at it) with a number like this. Could it be Lucifer himself (or herself, depending on how you look at it)? The idea intrigued me. What if I would have answered my phone? Would I have been greeted with the screams of those suffering eternal damnation? How would I address the lord of the underworld? Would Satan be sufficient? Or would Beelzebub be more appropriate? Would he want to be addressed as Lord? I do not consider him my Lord, in fact, I completely doubt his existence.

I think the most important question would be why Satan is calling me in the first place. While I haven't led the purest life, I'm sure there are others far more deserving of such a conversation. Or is it true what some theologians believe? Are all sins pretty much the same? Does God, if there is a God, weigh murder as a heavier slight than say...not washing your hands after you poo? If he/she doesn't, does that mean we should all be running around committing as much sin as possible; as long as we ask forgiveness before we die?

The idea of a conversation with Shaitan, as he is known in the Muslim world, would be filled with possibilities. I wonder if he would allow me to meet with him in person so I could get the entire conversation on tape? Would he allow me to photograph him, or would the Devil be invisible to a camera lens, much like a vampire? Would I have to trade my soul for an interview? Would I trade my soul for an interview? The sole interview with the Accuser would make me famous, though fame isn't at the top of my list either.

What questions would I ask Lucifer? Were you there when the world was created? Did you have any say in the process? How did it feel when you were tossed out of heaven, being that you were God's right-hand man? Do you think you were framed? Is God as stiff as she seems to be, or does she have a sense of humor? Is God hot if she is a woman? Is it really as hot in Hell as they make it out to be or are they just making that up?

How does it feel to be the fall guy? Being that God claims to know the future history of the world before it happens and that everything is in God's plan, wouldn't that mean that the Devil, like the rest of us, has absolutely no control over his actions? If Satan were to be brought on charges for crimes against humanity, would he implicate God as the contractor of all his dastardly deeds? Would a federal court have the balls to actually press charges against God?

I picked up my phone again and checked the most recent missed call. I inhaled deeply and pressed the Send key. My heart beat faster as the phone rang, then a female voice picked up on the other end. Does Satan have a receptionist? I guess he would be busy.

"Thank you for calling N.C.O. financial consultants, how may..." I pressed the End key and my heart sank. Had I really believed I had received a call from the Devil? Of course not.

It was a bill collector, and I guess that's the next best thing.

Reviews

[Emily B]

satan and bill collectors

this is funny stuff

[Kimberly Smith]

" Could it be Lucifer himself (or herself, depending on how you look at it)? The idea intrigued me" hahahahahahahaha best line ...I loved it keep me interested i love it love it love it keep it up..your writing is sooo interesting

[No one]

I tried to read this but the colors made my eyes sore. Maybe it's my low-quality computer monitor or maybe my low-quality eyeballs...
Just wanted you to know I tried.