How do I stop my heart from beating only for you?

Please read. This is due to my recent breakup. Hope you enjoy the poem at least.

I count the hours of misery when I am at school and work

Even with friends, I only frown
I fake a smile when I am with family, just so they don’t question anything wrong

When I was with you, it was the only time I truly smiled with no pain
I didn’t hear from you for awhile because you were busy
So I threw my cell phone against the wall
I broke it due to my anger
I’m a teenage girl, having no phone is like being without a soul

I think smoking K2 incense is better then weed since it's legal 
I don’t feel like I am living my life correctly
I feel like my days don’t exists unless I smoke and I am with you
I don’t even wanna be with anyone not even a friend
What is wrong with my mind?

But you do not want to be with me anymore
You treat me unkind and leave me behind
I have to beg for you to touch me
Why can’t I see you only bring me heartaches?

I can’t even look into your eyes
Since you do not even want nor have time to see me
If you are near
I feel the tension heat
It brings tears in my eyes all during my sleepless nights

As smoke fills up my lungs
I exhale the smoke slowly
I see the smoke linger in front of my watery, swollen, and red eyes
I see no happiness, happiness doesn’t visit me anymore
Depression is my only home

I do not want it to be over, no not today
You say you go, then tell me you miss me, which confuses me more
I begged and said please do not go and leave me like how everyone else does
But you left, if you wanted to stay you would of
I guess you got sick of me, like how everybody else did


You said maybe down the line we can go out
But for now we can see each other as friends
How am I suppose to see you and not want to hold you?
It breaks my soul even more when I see you just as a friend.

I cannot understand what I did wrong
I sucked your dick and gave you space
You gave me flowers and was there for me
Then all of a sudden you woke up and started to act differently

How do I say goodbye to the one I care about?
I don’t want to care
I tell myself; get over our shared feelings
I can't get over you, how is it even possible?
If every song, every movie, every place I go I see some happy couple
That seems to torture me with their love

I am a good person
Why do I feel so unhappy?
What have I done wrong to feel this useless?

Other guys ask me out
I do not even want to go
I only go for free food
Because I spend all my money on gas from driving past your house
Or on something to numb my pain

The less you want of me, the more I want of you
I need to move on
How do I let go and not care?
I keep carrying the pain on top of my head and broken heart
I torture myself with my own delusions.

Author's Note

Maybe someone could answer my questions? if not, then I hope you enjoyed at least.

Reviews

[Distant horizons]

Wonderfully written. Truly heart felt. As for answering your questions, i'm no expert but i think your keeping to much to yourself, putting on a face in front of family etc, and it wont do you any good. You should try talking to a friend or a family member in confidence. Trust me, you may think its better hiding how you feel, but talking it out from your point of you will help. The questions you have will become clearer if you talk to someone. You'll get there. Hope it's sooner than later.
PS....Whats k2??? :-)

[Coyote Poetry]

There is no answer for some question except time. When we give 100% of our love and emotion to someone. And then the love is not returned. Need time for the pain to go away. Life is hard and fair. Something were not support to be. Maybe a better place and a better person is coming into a life. Good to be strong. Men like a woman who are strong. Better to lose the pain and show the world you are special and Okay. I recommend don't smoke anything. Smoke destroy your skin and your internal body. Better to find something to excite your souls and heart. Thank you for the powerful poetry. Made me think.
Coyote

[Brittni]

Denial, Despair, and Desperation...Places I know all too well myself. Before I go into advice your poem is written very wonderfully. As for your questions, your answers are all within yourself. We pick and choose how we act out in these times. So IMO, it is up to you to end it yourself. If you feel like you need help to bring yourself back together, talk to someone. I only hope you find your path to becoming a better and stronger woman.

[Ashley]

i do talk about it, some of the stuff in my poem isnt true. but k2 is incense, legal weed.