Chapter two: She finds him

   Monday rolls on by she did not do any of her science projects. Oh well, she hates science anyways. Monday afternoon, after s****y school, she walks home from school which is two miles away because she missed the bus. Her sister and brother-in-law are working late at the police station. Sapphire is tempted to call 911 everyday just to see if they would save her from her own pain. It’s Monday night around 9 pm, when most kids would be on the internet she had to cook herself dinner. Sapphire was too lazy to wash a few dishes, she does not have a dishwasher. Of course when her sister comes home she screams but Sapphire just goes into her tight spaced room. To try to fall asleep away from her fears while drying her tears.
   Tuesday morning at 10 am, she forgot to set her alarm. Late for school and runs outside, after walking a mile it starts to rain. Putting on her black hoodie she finds this new coffee place out of the corner of her eye. Knowing she took around five bucks with her, she wanted some coffee. Well just outside the coffee place there where people to buy kids cigarettes. There was this cute emo bad boy standing under an umbrella. He is around 6’1, short stylish dark black hair, very pale blue eyes, extremely thin, has a lip piercing on his left side and eye brow piercing on his right side. Sapphire mouth drops open and she goes up to him to say, “Hi, I’m Sapphire and I think I love you more than pie.” He laughs and says,“ Hey I’m Sean, and pie!?” Sapphire nervously speaks, “Um haha just kidding, so anyways, um, uhh.. Umm.. Could I stand under your umbrella too?” As Sean looks down at this pretty nervous girl he walks closer to her and stands under the umbrella with her. Sapphire’s heart races faster than she knows how to change the music on her ipod. Softly she asks, “What are you doing here?”
“I’m just sipping on this new coffee and buying some cigarettes. I’m only 16 and I should be in this new High school just a mile up ahead. But I meet these guys that I can buy some cigarettes from instead.”
“OMG I SHOULD BE IN SCHOOL TOO, I’M 16 TOO, AND THAT’S MY HIGH SCHOOL! The high school’s name is Seven’s High, right?
“Umm let me check my schedule… Yes, yes it is. Is it lucky?” Sean asked, taking another puff out of is cigarette. And another sip of his small black coffee.
Sapphire quickly answers, “It sucks more than this rain. Hahaha, but don’t worry I will show you around. Even though we are late, I will work my magic with the attendance lady. Do you want to head to school now?”
“No, I’m nervous and I just wanna chillaxx and smoke. I just moved here from California. My parents work at this crappy cheese factory.” Sean said in a relaxing voice.
“Ok, I LOVE CHEESEE, CHEESE, CHEEEEEEESEEEEEEE.”
Awkward silence for about a minute.
   Sapphire knows she’s making a fool out of herself but she can not stop because she feels truly happy. She did not feel this happy and safe for a long time. She said, “Hahaha well anyways, I always wanted to go to California. I’m going there over the summer. Did you enjoy it there?”
He speaks, “Yeah I did, I had a girlfriend but her and I broke up, I worked at a coffee shop, I had numerous amount of friends. But I got kicked out from most schools because of my temper and because, well, lets just say don’t smoke in school.”
Sapphire opens her eyes wide and whispered, “ I never smoked before.”
Sean added, “Well how about you show me around this crappy town now and s****y school tomorrow? While we hang out I will show you how to smoke cigarettes, they are extremely relaxing. You look like you just need to chill babe.”
Sapphire’s head was spinning she knew she shouldn’t but she could not ignore him. He called her babe and was soooo nice. Without another moment she assured, “Yeah sounds like fun, hun.” “Cool give me a moment, here have some of my black coffee.”

Reviews

[Amanda Dawn Sanderson-G..]

"Oh well, she hates science anyways."; Again watch the word 'anyways'.

"Monday afternoon, after s****y school, she walks home from school which is two miles away because she missed the bus."; It is okay to describe something as 's****y' because most readers understand that you mean that it sucks but instead of describing it in that way by the narrator, have the character do by using dialogue or through thoughts. You could say something like, "Monday rolled on by which was fine by Sapphire as she didn't complete any of her science projects, not that she cared anyway because she disliked science. (I am sick of this s****y school - in italics, as a thought) Sapphire made her way to the bus line slowly, which caused her to miss her ride and choose to walk home from school."

"Sapphire is tempted to call 911 everyday just to see if they would save her from her own pain."; I like this line, it shows how miserable she is with her own life.

"To try to fall asleep away from her fears while drying her tears."; I like the rhyme in this sentence.

"Tuesday morning at 10 am, she forgot to set her alarm. Late for school and runs outside, after walking a mile it starts to rain."; Again, try not to write sentence fragments and place paragraphs into your writing. This should be your next paragraph and you can begin it with saying, "Sapphire had forgot to set her alarm the night before and woke up to the clock reading ten a.m., she was late for school. It didn't bother her much though because she hated going there anyway."

When she is speaking don't type 'haha', just added, Sapphire says with a laugh. Also, I love her dialogue she has with this strange new boy in her life, it shows how cheesy high school kids can be but it also shows a sign to he readers that this pair was meant to meet each other and would soon become something more than just strangers.

"Sean added, “Well how about you show me around this crappy town now and s****y school tomorrow? While we hang out I will show you how to smoke cigarettes, they are extremely relaxing. You look like you just need to chill babe.”
"; With this you should say something like, Sean added with a smile, "Well how about we spend the day together and you show me around this dead end town? Then tomorrow I can join you in being tormented at the school that you consider to be so horrible and maybe I can bring some happiness into it or at least into your life."


Just some suggestions, I hope it helps!

[SoulCrusader (Yas)]

This new character Sean sounds very interesting indeed, how will Sapphire be influenced. Very interesting:)

[Calypso]

Very good.