Chapter one: Depressed girl

   Sapphire just turned sixteen years old in September 22nd. She is 5’6 and has short black hair and dark blue eyes. She lives in Kansas with her twenty nine old sister named Sabina who is marrying a man named Salvador. Sabina and Salvador both work in the police force. Sapphire is tempted everyday to take one of their gun’s and play Russian Roulette. She despises her life and listens to her ipod touch 24/7. She hated her life ever since her parents died in a car crash two years ago on her birthday. They were going to the mall to pick up a Sapphire ring for her birthday. However a drunk driver got to them first. Everyday Sapphire blames herself, she thinks if only, if only, she known she would of stopped them. Everyday she wears the same plain black hoodie which small holes are ripping into larger ones. She does not care because she uses the hoodie to hide her ipod. 
   During school she draws pictures of clouds on her notebooks while never pays attention to the rude kids nor teachers. While every kid has a friend to share a locker with, she has nobody. She thinks its alright because she just carries her notebooks anyway. Instead of going to the café to eat and make friends, she heads straight to the schools little library. To read books and flip through magazines about death, music or airplanes. Sapphire works at a local dollar store after school mostly on Tuesday, Wednesday, and on Fridays. On her twenty minute breaks instead of grabbing a slice of pizza and a soda. She grabs the razor the workers use to cut open boxes. Instead of cutting open the boxes, she heads into the back bathroom to cut her wrist. She slices her arm away hoping to pop open a few veins. To feel pain, she doesn't know how else to feel. When her twenty minutes are up she wipes are tears and cleans her blood. Puts on her black hoodie and slides the arms of the hoodie down to cover her arms. Staring at the clock to watch the time tick away. She had a boyfriend but he left her two weeks ago for another w***e to do drugs. He was her everything, living for him. However, he did not feel the same, all he said was sorry. She can not ignore her broken heart anymore. She keeps holding onto him, and tries to call him and fall back into love with him. Of course he ignores her soul and presence. She wants to become something big, more in her life. However, in the small town Kansas the s****y schools holds her back. She is in AP and IB advanced classes with a 99 average. Even on weekends when she tries to hang out with some “friends” they all bring their boyfriends. Or shall she thinks boy toys. Most relationships she sees end because they do not connect. All in high school she has seen most of her crushes go out with w****s. Her friends leave her aside so they can be with their boyfriends. It is sickening to her to see people drool all over each other and kiss each other. Even if they fake kiss and feel no sparks, she kind of wants that too. 
    She does not let anyone in close anymore. She forgot how to trust. Well how can a people trust another person if her heart is broken, soul lost and already betrayed? She tries not to hate, not to care, but the ignorance is eating her broken heart away. Luckily, she is counting down the days to see her aunt Sarah who lives in a big town in south California. During the summer in one month she will visit her aunt for one week. Sapphire knows aunt Sarah will be able to help her find the real spark inside her in order to glow and become something better in her life. She sees most kids have a car that drive to parties. While she is at home crying from being all alone. So lonely and so bored she waits for something better in her life to appear.

Reviews

[Amanda Dawn Sanderson-G..]

"She thinks its alright because she just carries her notebooks anyways."; the word would be anyway, it's a huge grammar mistake that many people use.

"To read books and flip through magazines about death, music or airplanes."; this would be a sentence fragment (easily done, yet easily fixable) I would say something like, "Instead of going to the cafe, like most others would, she would go to the schools library to read books and to flip through magazines about death, music, or airplanes."

Again, watch for these sentence fragments, they can confuse the mind of the reader and add pauses that are unnecessary. "On her twenty minute breaks instead of grabbing a slice of pizza and a soda. She grabs the razor the workers use to cut open boxes."; I would start a new paragraph when writing about her work since it is focusing on another aspect of her life - as before you were talking about school and friendships. I would say something along the lines of, "On Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Fridays she would go to work at a local Dollar Tree which took her mind off of her school troubles. Everyday she would get a twenty minute break but instead of going to grab a slice of pizza and a soda, like her co-workers would, she preferred being alone. Sometimes she would sneak a razor, that was used to open the boxes from the new shipment, and use them to cut her wrists in the bathroom. The sensation made her feel relief from the life that gave her constant misery."



I really like your plot and what you are going with this story, but when you describe things, you jump from one topic to another too quickly and you don't give enough detail; I would also suggest adding small dialogue to some parts, as well as add paragraphs. Also, I can tell by your work that you really enjoy the letter 'S' and while that is an okay thing you need to realize that you aren't here to satisfy yourself but to draw in the reader and keep them wanting more. By naming all of your characters with the same beginning letter it could confuse the reader and they will lose track of what is important in the story. Also when you go back to edit and revise keep in mind about the sentence fragments and attempt to give your idea more detail without jumping from topic to topic so quickly. As one person once told me 'The more you edit/revise, the stronger your story will become'. I hope that this helps because your idea is strong and very powerful and could make into an amazing story, just with time and patience. Good luck and keep writing!

[SoulCrusader (Yas)]

An enticing start, set up Sapphires character, her thoughts and feelings so well:)

[Libby]

It's pretty good, it didn't bore me. I kinda wish it was written a little more like a story. It's a little bit like a list and that makes it hard for the emotion and power to be felt. But the content is good. There's a lot of potential. c:

[Steph's_romantic_myster..]

This is a good story and I agree with girl greer's assesment... Good job

[Can't bring myself to d..]

Not a bad start to a promising story here. a good quick insight into the protaganist and her world. I like your fast paced style and desciption, looking forward to reading the opther chapters!

[Calypso]

This was good. You may want to intent, but over all I enjoyed reading this.

[Mason]

Kurt vonnegut talked about fiction, and how making horrible things happen to characters builds a story. He was right. this is a great sad story. A+