I cannot let go of us

This is a long poem/story of a girl holding on to this guy who she loves. He used to love her too, until all of a sudden he left her. It's long but worth the read.

 I know you said you want to just be friends

After our fifth month anniversary

I cannot deal with letting you go
I wear scarfs wrapped around my neck tightly,
not to hide my fake hickeys from you,
but to hope to choke myself to death
I know I miss the butterflies when we kiss
I guess I should be better off alone
Because every time we were together, once a month
We were very high and drunk
I cannot remember our first kiss nor date
It still cannot be too late for us get back together though
Our friends gave us strange faces when they seen us with each other
I do not care

I am tired of sharing your love

Make me understand why you said we cannot be

You only said you loved me

After I was sucking on your tongue ring

Then all of a sudden you said were not feeling "it" anymore

Well when I think of you, every moment, I still feel a small spark

Do not let this spark die, how my dreams did

I cannot seem to escape my broken pain

I know if we are friends who have fun again

You will hurt me again

I am willing to accept that

I just can not lose you

My soul is being tormented by your unloving ignorance
I cannot, will not move on
I do not know how to
All I listen to is sad love songs
You said our five months are over
But I feel like my love is growing stronger
My feelings for you are real, please stop letting me go
You are all that I need to help me be mentally ok
You give me a reason to keep breathing
I wear turtle necks
Not to protect me from the cold
To hide the razor marks on my chest
From tiring to cut out my broken heart
So it would stop beating when you left me here all alone

Why can you not remember us holding hands,

laughing with joyfulness all the time?

I wish I could re-wind the hands of time

Just so I could hold you once again

My heart was already broken when I gave it to you

I thought you would help repair it

Instead you helped me realize to stop trusting people

Somehow my pieces of my heart still miss and long for only you
Even our souls were in love with each other
When you left my whole world fell apart
If I could, I would even hug your shadow
I don't know what I am doing with my life
Without you my life is no fun
I miss when I used to hugged you tightly
Until our ribs started to hurt
Now I'm so depressed every time I sigh in regret my ribs hurt
Do not tell me you love another again
I cannot even stare at you the same
You are all to blame

How did we get like this?

You used to care about me

I did not do anything wrong, did I?

At least give me a sign

We were so close and related so well

I remember in the begging when we were kissing in your car,

our phone rang and vibrated, we ignored it

Now when we hang out you can not get enough of your,

so called, "broken when I call or text" phone

When I try to look in your drugged out blood shot eyes
I drink my sorrows away
When you sit next to me
I try to touch my hands all over you
To taste the taste of you linger on my lips
You push me off towards the floor
I sit there while you play with your phone
I go through mine, checking our last week ago messages
When I try to talk to you and tell you my life stories
I am lucky if you even say one word back
Baby why are you making this difficult?
I want to talk to you again since you are so far away
You forgot how to listen and talk to me
You said you just need space to think
Well I think I already gave you enough space to think

I try to go out with my girls and go shopping

I used to dress in bright happy colors, now my wardrobe is all black

I have to get my mind off of you

Nothing helps, you are all I ever think and talk about

Instead of buying myself a winter coat I need

I spend my money on useless sexy underwear

For you to rip off from your pierced tongue

I'm sick in the head, thinking of you naked in bed

Then I remembered we were done

Quickly I walk the isles of the store
When other hot guys look my way and wink
I frown and look away
All I wish for is you here with me, not them
I head back to my lonely cold apartment
Because I lost my home
I eat to fill avoid in my life but not even chocolate helps
I write books about how I wish I was with you being warm
I go back into my room and comb my hair until some hair falls out
I look in my cracked mirrors, I want to see your refection
Instead of my makeup filled face
Tears roll down my pretty face
I wish I was at your place

All the crying I do makes me realize I'm alive

when I do not want to be, if I'm not with you

What happen to my only one?

I gave you all of me, over the weekends
You crushed me in the palm of your hands
We are not to young, time is ticking
Please come back and stay by my side
My soul, mind and body is not healing any better
My whole life is unhappy without you
I don't know why I keep doing this to myself
Beating myself, it's hurtful thinking about you giving me a ring
When I know you only think about yourself
I stopped caring about my painful life
All I want to do is be your wife

I still miss everything about you, I'm going crazy

I am stuck in a daze, not knowing what to do

I smoke cigarettes, and burn them out not on the ground
But burning them out on my sensitive skin of my arm
I close my eyes and think it's you kissing me roughly
I wish for my lonely pain to disappear
Only more lies from you and I reappear
I miss you more than a kid missing its lost puppy

Thanksgiving day is coming and I'm going to set a place at my table

Be delusional once again,

and make believe you are eating turkey with me

In the morning I pour sizzling hot coffee over myself
I think it's us taking a hot shower together
During the night I cannot sleep without feeling your heart beat
I need you to kiss me goodnight,
tell me everything will be better than alright
Like how you used to when you chatted with me
On the phone late at moon night until up in the morning sun light
Everyone tells me to check into therapy
How badly I need to be put in a straight jacket
Because my medication Zoloft dose is too light
I cannot do that because than I would never be able to hug you

All I want, wish, need is you here
All I do is fake a laugh and a smile when others talk to me
And remember our wonderful memories

What do I have to do to get me back to you?

Let's forget our problems and just hold each other tightly

I twist and turn all night while candles burn and flicker lights
I know I need to get over you in order to fall asleep
I cannot let go of you and I, I cannot even try.

Author's Note

I hope you loved it, remember to rate and comment.

Reviews

[FallenWingz]

Its time to let go of this pain, so her heart can mend & meet someone who does deserve her love.

[Moflo]

This was very heartfelt and profound, that shows how close to you these emotions really are! I think it takes a lot to be this in depth. I really like the progression of this too, as well as the format. Good work!

[Steph's_romantic_myster..]

I am speechless, excellent job

[Dr. S. D. Blankenship P..]

I like this! One thing though, "can not" is one word, "Cannot".

~S. D. Blankenship

[Bridget Mcmaken]

omg this is just most amazing poem!! Iove it!! so much is said. I can feel everything with every word that you use! This just amazing! I love this poem. Wonderful write!! I can't wait to read more of your work.
~Bridget~

[Champagne]

Awesome! So touching! It seemed as if I was there inside the poem, not just reading it. You have really let the pain speak. I think this is what poetry is for.

[JewelsGold]

wow,
I've been there
it sucks, big time
love, that is,
I like to say, "Love's a stupid w***e who puts up with your s**t"
but Love endures, regardless.
Thank you for sharing your pain so honestly, so openly,
and know, you are not alone!

[SPLEE]

SOMEBODY IS TALENTED!!!!

[Megan]

this was well worth the read. the length shouldn't scare anyone off. it's really well-written. the format accentuates the feeling of the poem. I really like it a lot. I, too, can relate to this from a personal level... good job once again.

[A.E. Reed]

Oh wow... I finally got it to be unblocked... but... wow... I'm sorry... that was really good, but really sad. I really hope you get better.

-A.E. Reed