People come and go

I really hope you read this story, I worked hard on it. I hope it make sense. Enjoy!

            Little five year old girl glows in happiness playing with her black and white soccer ball. Her name is Annika, she has flowing long blond hair that falls past her small waist. She has beautiful green eyes. She was wearing grey sparkly sneakers. Her mother named Jennie is a young mother who yells all the time. Lately Jennie has been wearing the color red a lot. Jennie married an older man named Troy five years ago. Troy is always working late, past the sundown and runs off to work before the sunrise. Jennie believes his lies. Troy drives away because Jennie is always drunk. Jennie loves the vodka more than her own daughter. Jennie drinks because drinking makes her feel happy.
            Annika plays soccer with her pet puppy in the front yard. The pet dog is so cute; he has black spots all over his white fur. Even though they live on an extremely busy street, they love playing in the front yard. The front yard is an open area with many flowers and thick green grass. It’s such a lovely day when Annika is playing and having fun. Jennie took another sip of the bottle and stayed inside brushing her hair hard, so hard, and again harder until her hair falls out.
            While all that was happening there was a man named Levi. He is a twenty three year old male who hates his life. He thinks how Heaven is a better place, everyday and night he prays something will end his life. Levi is very disturbing and always confused with his life. He has no friends, they all lost contact with him. Levi does not know who his real family is. He was adopted at age five, by parents who only wanted a kid to show society that everything was fine. While deep down inside his step parents was always abusing drugs. When he was 18 they threw him out in the streets, he could not even finish high school. He was only around one week away to graduate, until his parents dropped him off to another state far away. Levi had to work hard as a janitor, countless hours just to feed himself under a cardboard box, in the middle of a tunnel. Every time he tries to laugh, he expresses his deep pain. His pain won't go away. Levi finally earned enough money to buy a gun with one bullet. He decided to walk for a few miles to think about his strange life, he kept picturing his little girl if she was born or not. While walking and put the gun in his pocket.
             Levi had seen a glimpse of a gorgeous young girl running after a black and white soccer ball, then heard a dog barking loudly. Levi also saw a car speeding out of control. He ran, ran to push the young girl out of the way. He saved her life, but his life was too late. Annika fell to the ground; she scrapped her knees and felt Levi's blood all over her wounds. Annika screamed because all she seen was a car driving off and blood all over the street. She also saw Levi's bright green eyes. Annika shut his eye lids. She felt a strange strong connection with him.
            After a few minutes gone by, Jennie walked outside, not in a straight line of course. Jennie gasped for air when she seen Levi because she knew Levi. Oh she knew him so well. She remembered him like it was yesterday. Important people stay locked in your heart and mind. Jennie and Levi went out boyfriend and girlfriend back in high school, five years ago. On their prom night, during their senior year, two weeks before graduation, Levi and Jennie decided to make love in the back of the black and white limousine. They where in love and were in the heat of the moment. They didn't even think twice about using any protection. Levi always used to buy Jennie pretty flowers. Jennie was always so happy and hopeful. A few days after the prom she tested herself because she felt odd cramps in her lower stomach. The pregnancy test turned positive. Jennie tried to call Levi, he answered but instead of talking with Jennie he just yelled. His step parents heard him yell over the phone for hours. They could not take him anymore; they carried him in the car, blindfolded him, tied him up in the backset, and drove off with him for many miles. He kept saying sorry, but his step parents just left him out in the cold. His step parents where so drugged up they still thought everything was fine. Levi didn't know what to do; he missed his girlfriend and wanted his own baby to make a new family right. He forgot her number, not knowing where he was, lost and delusional. He decided to make believe everything was just a dream. Levi started a new life in a tight cardboard box he found. Jennie didn't know where her boyfriend went, screaming in pain she tried to act like nothing happen. She felt it was better to ignore the pain and hope for a better day to come. She was a mess, always drying her tears and blood shot eyes. She didn't tell anyone because she thought no one would even bother to care. Jennie was being delusional too.
            A week later Jennie graduated and found a new man she liked to have sex with named Troy. Jennie and Troy fooled around for awhile so she just said she was pregnant was his child named Annika. When in reality Annika is Levis’ child. After Annika was born, Jennie kept picturing Levi in her head, over, and over again. Nothing healed her pain. Just the Vodka bottle helped numb the lies that her husband Troy told. Jennie and Troy bought a puppy for Annika so she would not be alone, when Jennie would fall asleep drunk and when Troy would be out all the time. Jennie did not know what to say to Annika. Jennie reached for Levi's gun and said while crying, "I can finally be with my real hun." Jennie's hands shook, while they where shaking she looked into Annika's large green eyes and heard her speak, "Mama" Jennie stared in silence, looking at her daughter, thinking of Levi, then looking at the wilted flowers. She kissed Levi on the check and whispered, “This is goodbye." Out of nowhere it started to rain outside and the skies turned a whitish grey color. Jennie took Annika and the puppy and walked inside to call the police. While promising Annika she will tell her the truth. Jennie even promised to tell Troy everything. Jennie wanted things to be better in order to become a better mother and wife.

Reviews

[Sunflower 20]

wow, this is really beautiful! i enjoyed the way you introduced each character in nice detail, explained their situation, and then brought them all together in a wonderful climax, well done!
but i do agree that you should put this into paragraphs, it will help the reader and not make it look like one huge chunk of writing.
But overall, very well done. you should be proud of yourself :)

[Sam]

The theme of the story was good on its own but I feel like you made a lot of mistakes. First thing I noticed was that it was all just one big paragraph. That probably added to the fact that it felt like you were jumping from one topic to the next without much warning. I didn’t like how the characters didn’t seem to have much depth at all. I think you could have spent a little more time on each of them. Like why did Jenny drink? There had to be more than her boyfriend disappears and she gets depressed. It’s just too simple for such a complicated story. I wish that you went into Annika a little more as well. You said she was 5? I can’t see how she would understand by her mother touching a gun that she might immediately think suicide. You stated facts and didn’t go into the emotion well enough, I think. But over all you show promise. You just need to work on it a little bit.

[china]

Wow, what an excellent story. Lots of emotions from all the characters. I was hooked from the beginning to the end. I agree with Star Wolf, use paragraphs in your story, it would be easier to follow. Other than that, thumbs up! Keep up the good work.

[Star Wolf]

A very touching and emotional story and a good one. It would help your readers a lot if you used paragraphs to separate the different ideas in this.