Pink Strips

Chapter one

Two little pink strips, that’s all it took. Just two little strips, so meaningless, and yet it meant the end of my life, as I knew it. Slowly, I put the white stick back down on the porcelain counter and walked slowly to my phone. I opened up a new message template and typed the two words

 

                                                            I’m pregnant.

 

            I scroll through my contact list finally landing on Nathan Chasten. I select his name, take a long deep breath and hit the send button. Sitting back, I close my eyes and take several deep breaths, trying to relax as best I can. Suddenly, the phone rings. I answer it, not needing to check to see who it is.

            “Hello?”

`            “…Hi…Are you…are you sure?” his voice cracks.

            “Positive.” I say simply.

            “How many tests did you take?”

            “Two. Both positive.”

            “Where are you? Are you home?” he asks, suddenly sounding very serious.

            “Yes.”

            “Do you want to help me baby sit?” I nod stupidly like he was going to see me and then quickly correct myself, muttering a yes. “I’m on my way.” He replies and the line goes dead. I look around, flustered and unsure what to do next. I really don’t want to baby sit but I know I need to talk to him. Nate has a little sister that I love dearly.

Slowly I get up and get my things together, keys, wallet, and phone. My phone rings loudly; I don’t bother answering it as I head out the door.

            Once I see Nate sitting in his car I lose it. He grew increasingly handsome each time I saw him. His chocolate brown hair too long and starting to curl, disheveled on his head, his dark eyes look afraid and vulnerable under his thick black eyelashes. His skin seems pale, even under his mulatto coloring; it’sclearly visible how upset he is. I quietly get into the car and put my seatbelt on, something I rarely did, tears streaming down my face.

            The ride from my house to his is unbearably quiet. I keep my head turned away from him so I can freely cry without feeling his gaze on me. I had made the assumption in the car that we would go right upstairs to talk, instead he heads straight for the living room and sits down on the far side of the couch. Slowly I follow behind him and sit on the other end, clutching a throw pillow to my chest.

            “Emma!” Elizabeth cries running towards me from around the corner, a blanket around her shoulders. Elizabeth is Nate’s three-year-old sister. I always had a soft spot for her, primarily because she so closely resembles Nate. Her long brown hair hung in waves around her shoulders and she held a huge smile for me, as always. The minute I see her I lose my bearing and run to the bathroom. As soon as I close the door I fall to my knees and begin sobbing uncontrollably.

            I can’t believe I’ve found myself in this situation. I don’t know what I’m going to do; I’m scared, and nervous about what Nate is going to say and I just want it all to not be happening. But it is happening. And I need to man up and talk to him about it. I stand up and look in the mirror, wiping the tears from my face and taking several deep breaths.

            “You can do this.” I murmur to myself and open the bathroom door. Nate is standing next to the door when I walk out, looking concerned and unsure. I nod at him letting him know I’m okay and he grabs my hand, leading me up the stairs to his room. He takes a seat on his bed and I opt for the desk chair across from him. We sit in silence for some time before he finally speaks.

            “So…uhm I know this isn’t something either of us wanted and that we have a lot of decisions to make. I think we need to look at this logically…” he sounds so formal, like are discussing a business deal or something.

            “Nate, this isn’t a job interview. It’s just me. Talk to me like a person.” he laughs at that. A nervous chuckle, but I can hear a hint of normalcy in is laugh.

            “I’m sorry. I guess…I want to start by saying if there’s anything I could do for you I’ll do it. Just say the word.”

            “I’d really love a hug…”

            “A hug? I can do that.” He smiles widely at me, looking almost relieved, and opens his arms. I half run into them, wrapping my own around his neck, sitting down on his lap. He holds me tightly, swaying gently from side to side. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry” he repeats again and again. I begin sobbing once more, uncontrollably. Once I calm down enough, I let go and sit down on my chair again.

            “I can’t believe this.” I say quietly, almost to myself.

            “I cant either. I " I’m in shock, to be honest.”

            “What do we do?”

            “We can’t keep it.” He says bluntly. I’m slightly taken aback, a bit hurt even.

            “Well we have a few options. I don’t want to just dismiss one completely without really exploring them all.”

            “Emma…this was a mistake. We can’t keep it. You know that, I know you know deep down.” And perhaps he’s right. Perhaps I do know deep down that it isn’t the sensible thing to do, but I don’t care.

            “I can’t get an abortion Nate.” I begin crying again “I wont do that again. You don’t know what it was like.” His eyes grow warm and he stops, contemplating his next choice of words.

            “I know it will be hard, but neither of us are prepared for this kind of responsibility.”

            “What about adoption?”

            “I have no interest in adoption.” He says flatly, his eyes hard again. What did he mean?
            “Why not? It’s an acceptable substitute. I wouldn’t have to get an abortion and we still wouldn’t have to take on the responsibility.”

            “I know that for me, I cant go through nine months…see you get big for nine months and help you through everything, watch my child grow inside of you, and then just give it away. I cant do that Em, and I know you well enough to know that you cant do that either.” He had a point. But I wasn’t prepared to let him make assumptions about me.

            “I could do it.” I say stubbornly. He rolls his eyes, knowing already that I was arguing just to argue. We both know he’s right and he knew I didn’t want him to be. I wipe the tears from my cheeks pointlessly as new ones spilled over.

            “I can’t do it, Nate! You don’t know what its like. That room is like a dentists office. There are tools everywhere and it smells like death and sadness. I cringe just thinking about it. You don’t understand.” I’m almost pleading with him as I speak between sobs. He becomes very quiet and he looks away, searching for something to say to me.

            “I’ll " I’ll go with you…when you go, I’ll be there.” He whispers.

            “That won’t mean anything. I wont do it, I cant.” He closes his eyes tightly and takes a deep breath.

            “You have to. And I think you know you have to, deep down inside. Please, Em.” Now it was his turn to plead. His eyes are so afraid and so vulnerable; I couldn’t bear to see him upset.

            “I know what I have to do,” I lie. “I just have to convince myself to do it. It’s the only option, I know. I just can’t imagine doing it. I’m going to hate myself, but I will do it.” I know I don’t want to, but I can’t bear to see him upset. I’m prepared to make the sacrifice, for him.

            “I will help you get through this in any way you need.” He says reassuring me, his spirits lifted, seeming more hopeful. The room is quiet for a long time before I finally speak again.

            “The first day I met you, I never would have thought we were going to have this conversation” I admit, laughing.

            “I thought you were gay.” He replies smiling. We both laugh for some time. We had the strangest friendship and we both knew it. When we met I had hated him, instantly. I was extremely judgmental and I had had no real reason to hate him, but I despised him. In turn, he made the assumption that I was a lesbian. It had been unfathomable to him that anyone, especially a girl, would hate him; and so he decided I had to be gay.

            Slowly my laughter turns to tears once more and he pulls me into another hug, this time for longer. He continues to apologize like he had before and I continue to ruin his shirt with my tears, confused about what exactly he’s apologizing for.

 

Later that night, I sit on my bed, considering everything in my life. I think about the day I met Nathan, and how much I hated him. Occasionally I’d laugh to myself because it was ridiculous to think that I had ever hated him. I think about the night I got pregnant and what I could’ve done differently.

 

I had been living at his house for two weeks. My mother had thrown me out for the umpteenth time and Nate’s house was always my second home whenever I needed it. I’d payed him five dollars that night for him to let me sleep in his bed so I didn’t have to crawl onto the top bunk in his brother Tyler’s room. Nate had the most comfortable bed in the whole house and he never let people sleep on it at night, except me, but on those nights he’d be in the bed with me. This was the first time he’d allowed me to sleep in his big bed all by myself.

            It was about two in the morning when he snuck into the room, closing the door behind him. The sound of the door shutting woke me and I was presently surprised to see him walk over to the bed and sit down next to me. I was hyperaware of the fact that I was completely naked, and covered by a skimpy blanket, but not overly concerned as he had already seen me naked plenty of times. He smiled at me and laid down in the open space next to me, placing his hand on my thigh, stroking it.

 I had always been very responsive to Nathan, always unable to turn him down. He was the most attractive man I’d ever seen in my life, and the word ‘no’ was stripped from my vocabulary whenever he was around. Slowly his hand traveled up to my stomach slowly tracing my body, he eventually reached my breast, cupping it gently and then giving it a squeeze before running his hand over my shoulder and down my back, drawing me to him.

            Whenever he kissed me I lost all sense of reality. My whole world shifted and suddenly there was only the two of us. He was a very good kisser, I couldn’t doubt that; his hands traveled up and down my body causing my nerve endings to become live wires. My hips rose to meet his touch and I shivered beneath him. He rolled over, positioning himself on top of me. I could feel his erection against my thigh and I tried to remember when he took his pants off. I was still half asleep at the time but I didn’t care, it was Nate, and I always wanted him. My legs parted and wrapped around his waist as he slid inside me. I gasped and drew him closer, moaning loudly.

           

Suddenly my phone rings, pulling me out of my reverie. I shake my head and answer the phone.

            “Hello?”

            “How are you feeling?” It’s Nate, concern in his voice.

            “I’m fine.” I lie. “I made the appointment for day after tomorrow.”

            “Oh, that’s soon. That’s good. Do you…Do you have any symptoms?” he asks, stumbling on his own words.

            “I threw up all day.” I say, bluntly.

            “Oh…Is that normal?” I roll my eyes at the phone.

            “Yeah, its called morning sickness. Only it hits you at every hour of the day.”

            “Is there anything I can do?” I smiled and thought about something I needed, I had been craving a cheeseburger all day.

            “Will you come over and make me a cheeseburger?” I ask as sweetly as possible. I can almost hear his answering smile as he mutters a “be right there” before hanging up.

 

            Fifteen minutes later he was knocking on my door. I jump out of bed and double check myself in the mirror. I was wearing a pair of black shorts and a bright pink tank top, my dark red hair was piled on top of my head in a messy bun and I wasn’t wearing any makeup. I make a face at myself in the mirror and rush to answer the door.

            “Hey!” he smiles, walking past me towards the kitchen. I follow him through my house into the kitchen and pull a pan out from the cabinet.

            “Thanks,” he says taking the pan from me and placing it on the stove. He walks about the kitchen expertly, knowing already where everything is kept. I watch him silently, leaning against the doorframe. He’s very tall, and he always looks larger in my tiny kitchen.

            “Hey do you think you could put tuna fish on top?” I ask, feeling a sudden need for tuna.

            “On what?” he stops, looking vaguely disgusted.

            “…On top of the cheese, on top of the burger. OH and I want bacon on top of that! But the tuna has to have celery and onions in it.” I look up a the expression of complete revulsion on his face.

            “Emma, that’s disgusting.”

            “Hey man, you got me pregnant now you have to deal with my wacky cravings.” I tease. His eyes harden momentarily and I immediately regret my comment. “Do you want some tea?” I ask, changing the subject. He shakes his head and I slump back against the door frame.

            As I watch him open the can of tuna I allow my mind to wonder. I begin thinking about what the baby would look like. I think about the color his hair would be, and how curly it would get; I thought about the dimples he would surely have and the light brown coloring his skin would be. I started giggling and Nate stopped to look up at me quizzically.

            “I was just thinking about how curly your hair is and how ridiculous mine can get. Can you imagine what our kids hair would look like?” I smile at the thought. Nate’s eyes harden again.

            “I don’t want to think about things like that.” He says plainly and looks away. My heart sinks. He doesn’t want a baby, but more importantly, he doesn’t want a baby with me. I begin to wonder if things would be different if we were together; if he loved me would that make him want to keep the baby? I ponder that for a while as he finishes my burger.

            When he’s finished he brings the plate into the living room and sets it down on the coffee table.

            “Damn, we’ve have some good times in this living room.” He laughs looking around. I giggle and nod, sitting down to eat my disgusting concoction. He was referring to all the parties I’d had in this house. It was in this house, at one of my parties that we’d had sex for the first time. We were both black-out drunk off of Maker’s Mark Whiskey and neither of us in any shape to be making any decisions. I smile and shake my head at the thought. Nate looks at me, puzzled, but thinks better of asking me what is on my mind.

 

 

 

 

            I was the next morning with a start. Groaning I roll over to see the time; it’s 9:20. I get out of bed and stare at myself in the full-length mirror in front of me. I had dyed my hair a dark red a few weeks previous and I noticed the color was becoming less vibrant. Studying my reflection in the mirror I try to find a difference in my appearance; everyone always mentions how glowing women look once they get pregnant.

            My skin is pale as usual but my cheeks seem more pink and bright, my lips are more red than usual, but I knew that was from biting them. I notice how tired my eyes look, a faint purple color circling them. I begin patting my hair down, pointlessly trying to tame the tangled mess. Eventually I give up, and decidd on a shower to wake me up.

            After my shower I continue to get ready for my day. Suddenly the phone rings; I rush across the room to answer it.

            “Hello?”

            “Hey!” It was my best friend, Rose. “What are you doing today? Do you want to come over?” I smile. I wanted nothing else in the whole world; I need to tell her the news, I need her opinion.

            “Yes please.”

            “Okay, I’ll pick you up; see you in a bit!” The line goes dead and I rush to put my shoes on.

            I still wasn’t sold on the idea of an abortion. It hurt to even think about. I need someone to tell me that it wasn’t my only option, I need someone to talk to, and obviously that wasn’t going to be Nate.

            When she arrives at my house I run outside, excited. I get into her old familiar Buick and give her my biggest smile.

            “How are you?” She asks as she pulls away from my building.

            “I’m alright, how are you?” She nods and smiles her reply, twirling a strand of her long brown hair absently as we pull up to a stoplight.

            I smile back and look out the window. Then I begin thinking about the dream I’d had the night before.

 

            Everyone was on my porch, passing around a small bowl, the sweet bitter smell of marijuana in the air. My lungs stung a bit from my last hit and my mind was fuzzy. I smiled at all of my friends sitting around, chatting loudly at each other. After a while we all moved back inside the house. Nate and Gustavo head straight for the thirty-rack of Budweiser on the table and shotgun two within the first five minutes. I giggle and make my way to the kitchen, taking the shot glasses out of the cabinet. Tyler and Danny follow behind me and watch as I take the whiskey out, pouring the three of us shots.

            Nate joins us in the kitchen, and after our fourth shot we begin taking swigs straight from the bottle. Every sip burned as it traveled down my throat, a sweet comforting burn; whiskey was my favorite. Suddenly there was a high-pitched squeal coming from the living room. I ran out just in time to see Danny carrying Becca into my mother’s bedroom. She was slung over his shoulder and blushing a deep crimson; I was becoming increasingly drunk as the night wore on, and at that point I didn’t even care that the two were about to violate my mother’s bed. The party finally started dying down and everyone began claiming spots to sleep. I walked into my room and took my shirt off, not realizing that Nate and Ben were following me. I turned around, noticing them as the both hopped into my bed. Not caring at all that they were there, I stumbled around my room, attempting to take my pants off.

Finally, I get them off and crawl into my bed between the two of them. Ben was six-foot-three and way too big to be in my tiny bed with two other people. Nate grabs my thigh and pulls me towards him. I can feel his growing erection against my leg, but I was too drunk to mind. He ran his hand up and down my thigh, sending shivers down my spine.

            “You two trying to have a threesome?” he slurs, winking at Ben. Ben laughs and shakes his head, getting out of the bed and walking out of the room, closing the door behind him. Then it was just the two of us. I gulped and looked over at Nate, my heart racing, the tension between us was sobering. He half smiled at me and coughed, looking away.

            “I really want to,” he said quietly, pulling me in closer, pressing himself against me. “But…I cant.” He was referring to the fact that he was still in a relationship with a girl from Connecticut. When he moved to New Hampshire, a year previous, he hadn’t broken up with his girlfriend; the two decided to try and make long distance work.

            Despite the fact that he’d said he couldn’t, he began running his hand up and down my body, tracing the contours of my back. I shivered and smiled as he leaned down to kiss me. Our lips touched for the first time and a fire exploded in my chest. My response to him was not what either of us expected; I grabbed his face in my hands and held him there as firmly as I could. Then, breaking our embrace, I pushed him down on the bed and climbed on top of him. He looked up at me, placing a hand on each thigh, and smiled. I smiled back in response and put my mouth on his once more.

            His hands continue to run up and down my back as we kiss and eventually he unclips my bra, practically ripping it off of me. He pulls his mouth away from mine and looks me over, his hands exploring my bare chest. I close my eyes and tilt my head back, enjoying the feeling of his hands on my skin. Moaning quietly I open my eyes once more and begin to pull his shirt up his chest and over his head. He smiles and unzips his pants, somehow pulling them off under me. Once his pants are off he grabs my hips and flips me over, getting on top of me. My heart is racing as I stare at him, hovering over me.

            He smiles and very slowly slides himself inside me, I groan and my hips rise to meet him. His eyes close and he inhales sharply, leaning down to rest his head against mine. Slowly he moves his hips, pushing harder, burying himself inside me. I moan loudly and wrap my legs around his waist, pulling him closer.

            “Harder.” I whisper, biting his shoulder as he thrusts deeper. My fingernails dig into his back as I feel myself climbing, an explosion building deep inside me. “Oh God, yes,” I moan, closing my eyes and clinging to him. I come, screaming loudly, arching my back, clawing at his skin. I’m all sensation as he thrusts harder and faster, finding his release as well. He collapses on top of me, his head resting on my chest.

            We lie there in silence for several minutes, both of us breathing heavily. I close my eyes, mind racing. Eventually, when our breathing returns to normal and our heartbeats find a steady pace, he lifts his head and flashes me a crooked smile before getting up. I watch him walk around the room, searching for his pants, admiring his naked body. He finds them and clumsily puts them on before exiting the room. I giggle and roll over, burying my face in my pillow, smiling uncontrollably into the fabric.

When the door opens I roll over once more to face him. He walks into the room, closing the door behind him, and gazes at my naked body. Slowly he takes his pants off once more, his eyes never leaving mine, and climbs back onto the bed, running his hands all the way up my legs, past my torso until his hands reach my face, pulling me in for a long lingering kiss. My breath hitches and I melt beneath him. Suddenly he rolls over and pulls me on top of him. I giggle, surprised, and slowly ease myself onto him, feeling him fill me up. I close my eyes, tilting my head back and we begin again.

           

            “We’re here,” Rose says pulling me back to reality. She giggles at my expression and climbs out of the car.

            Once we make it into the house I tell her everything. At first she’s quiet and I can tell she isn’t sure what to say. Then she takes a deep breath and hugs me tightly. My eyes water briefly, but I blink the tears away, refusing to cry.

            “What are you going to do?” she asks quietly.

            “He wants me to get an abortion. I’ve already made the appointment for tomorrow.” I hang my head in defeat.

            “But you don’t want that!” she exclaims loudly, obviously frustrated. Rose was never Nate’s biggest fan. “You’ve always said if you got pregnant, the only circumstance that you wouldn’t get an abortion was if it were Nate’s baby. Well, its Nate’s baby, and we both know this isn’t what you want.”

            “I don’t have any other choice. We talked about it and this is what he wants. It’s the logical thing to do.” I say, almost as if I’m trying to convince myself. Rose shakes her head, saying nothing. I know she is right. I want this baby more than I want anything in the world; but Nate doesn’t want it, and I  don’t know if I can handle this on my own.

            We sit in silence for several minutes and I begin thinking about what it would be like to have a baby, his baby. I smile to myself and once again begin to imagine how it would look. Then it hits me; I can do this. I don’t need Nate to take care of me or help me, I can do it all on my own. My mother did it with my brother Charlie when she was only a few years older than I was, and it worked out just fine.

            “I could do it.” I state very firmly, almost to myself. Rose looks up at me and smiles.

            “I know you can.” She says simply, and hugs me once more. We begin talking animatedly about what it would be like to have a baby. She allows me to gush over how cute I can picture it being, without any look of judgment in her eyes. She believes in me.

 

            “I have to tell him,” I say quietly, looking out the window as we drive home.

            “Call him tonight. Don’t let him manipulate you, Emma; you’ve made the decision and that’s okay. It’s your body, don’t let him make you feel bad or try to tell you what to do.” She scolds me, knowing already how powerful his influence is over me. I nod silently and continue to look out the window. We get to my house and I give Rose a brief, forced smile before I hop out of the car and rush into the house, eager to call Nate.

            The phone rings several times before he finally answers.

            “Are you okay?” He sounds almost frantic. I take a long deep breath and begin.

            “Yeah, I’m " I’m fine…we need to talk though…”

            “Okay, what’s up?” I take several more deep breaths before I speak again.

            “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking today, Nate. I can do it. I’m going to do it. I’m keeping the baby.” There is a long pause, I strain to hear is breathing, but there’s nothing. “Are you there?” I ask, concerned.

            “Yes.” He chokes out, his voice thick. “…I thought we talked about this…we made a decision…” I begin to realize that he’s crying and my jaw drops. I’ve never heard him cry before.

            “Are…are you crying?”

            “We made a decision! We sat in my room and talked about this, Emma! You can’t just…change your mind! Its not fair!” he sobs at me. I’m in complete shock; I’ve made him cry.

            “I…Nate, I…” I’m at a loss for words.

            “You promised…” he whispers, sounding defeated. Tears spring up in my eyes, and I pointlessly wipe them away.

            “I never promised, Nate. Things change…I don’t want to have an abortion…I can’t.” There is silence between us for some time. Occasionally he would repeat, “We’ve already decided,” over and over again. I remained quiet, listening to his weeping, allowing him to get it all out.

            “Please, Emma.” He says finally, forcing more tears in my eyes. I inhale deeply, closing my eyes, and finally reply, “Okay, I’ll do it.”

            There is an instant change in atmosphere that I can feel, even through the phone. He sniffs a few times, allowing himself to calm down.

            “Thank you.” He breaths and I close my eyes, trying not to lose my bearing. “I’ll be there for you, whatever you need, I’ll help you through all of it. Its going to be okay…You’ll be okay. I’ll be there whenever you need.”

            “Don’t make promises you can’t keep, Nate.”

            “What do you mean? I’ll be there.” I knew he wouldn’t. I knew that eventually he would become sick of my needing him, he would find a girlfriend or become immersed in something new and he wouldn’t be able to take care of me anymore.

            “No you won’t. Eventually you will grow tired of me; no one wants to take care of someone forever.”

            “You’re my best friend, I’ll be there. I promise.” I know its an empty promise, but I don’t want to fight anymore; I’m just so tired.

            “Okay, I believe you,” I lie. “You must be tired, you should go to bed.”

            “I’m not doing anything until I know you’re okay. I’ll stay on the phone with you until you fall asleep.” He promises

            “No, it’s fine, I’m fine. I’m sorry I made you cry.” I say, attempting to lighten the conversation.

            “I’m sorry I made you cry.”

            “Oh no, that’s nothing. You always make me cry.” I tease. There is a long silence before he speaks again.

            “I’m an a*****e.” He sounds upset, remorseful. I close my eyes once more, exhausted.            

            “It’s okay, Nate. Go to bed.” I say, more firmly this time.

            “No, you’re not asleep yet.”

            “I will be soon, I’m very tired. I’ll talk to you tomorrow, okay?” I needed to break down, I could feel it building in my chest, and I didn’t want him to know.

            “Alright,” he sounds relieved. “Will I see you in the morning?” I think about it for a moment. Will he see me in the morning? We had sociology together, first block, bright and early. I honestly wasn’t sure if I was up to it, but I would have nothing else to do all day while I waited to go to my appointment.

            “Yes,” I decided.

            “Okay, goodnight Emma. I love you.” My heart leapt. I knew he didn’t mean it the way I wanted him to, but whenever he said the word love my whole world turned upside down.

            “I love you too, Nate; ‘night.” As soon as I hung up my body collapsed. Vicious sobs ripped through my chest; I can’t move, or breathe as the tears stream freely from my eyes. My whole world comes crashing down around me. Time stops, as I lie there, praying for my own death. I think about how happy I had been only hours before. It seemed a distant memory, rather than a recent past. Slowly, I drifted off into a restless sleep, my only form of escape.