Motionless (a poem)

a poem of feeling immobile with someone you love

Motionless (a poem)

 

Together

That’s what we are as we relax on the smooth grass of the ground

My head on yours and your head on my chest

We are slowly breathing, taking in the silence and peace

 

The sky is lit up by hundreds of stars as the moon shines brightly as the biggest star

I can smell your strawberry scent from your luscious hair

It’s my drug

To hear you breath so smoothly and smell your tonics

 

My arm is draped around your body

Holding you to me

Promising to protect you

To keep you in my arms forever

 

You give my chest a small kiss

And I give a small smile

Because I know you feel for me just as I do you

No matter what

 

We both look at the stars

Seeing nothing moving

No shooting stars

No dreams

Because we have everything right here that we need

As we lay still

Together

Motionless

Under the night sky

Author's Note

i hope you guys have had this feeling or will have this feeling. i haven't yet, but one day i will. :)

Reviews

[lindsay]

This is so sweet and adorable. I have experienced with my lovely boyfriend. It's wonderful let me tell you. He is the military and reading this made me think of him being here and when we did that and made me smile and it is a great ending to my day. I like that there is no rhyming or real steady flow. That creates more of an image for me because it becomes a story. Great job!

[donny ingraham]

I can seriously relate to this poem, I love it!

[The]

I think this poem was fine. It certainly is a romantic moment that, as other posters have suggested, you do a good job in expressing.

Your first stanzas have specific imagery that makes the setting concrete: hundreds of stars, strawberry scent, smooth grass are a few that help to set the place. However, the later stanzas don't match that same precision, as it should. "Because I know you feel for me just as I do you / No matter what" feels so cliche that it's almost disappointing. The sentiment is nice, I'll give you that. But you want the reader to feel more than sentiment; you want a powerful image that leaves the reader breathless, a symbol for both your amazing creativity and the feeling you want togive.

I think with revision, you can make this significantly better (not to say this draft wasn't good). Using the word small twice in two lines in Stanza four is lazy. Keep working at it and you can make something better.

Best of luck in your future writings.

--CB

[Morning Star]

Sooooooo beautiful this page is filled with passion and tenderness
your words are the music love dances to
this poem took my breath away
Fantastic write!

[Gheeneil]

I love the picture you painted. I thought it was about death when I first read the title, but it was actually the opposite. Keep writing.

[the in between]

This is so sweet :) and caring! very moving to the heart. Hope you find that special someone who fits this. i do have that feeling for someone.. Beautiful scenery just a really great poem :D

[Snickers]

I have this feeling, I read the title of this poem and thought that it wasn't going to be a love poem, but it was. I really liked it. You are a very impressive poet. Keep it up sweetie.
Dream

[Art Sun]

This is nice work...for someone who has not felt this emotion you wrote with an intensive display of it...

nice...

[.]

that's pure magic, visually there ...beautiful

[Norma M Sutton]

Very nice.