Chapter 1 Personal Perspective

Reflections on our thoughts, perspective, noticing the little things, prosperity and aging

CHAPTER 1

UPERSONAL PERSPECTIVE

 

     We all have our ways of looking at our own lives, each other and the world around us. Sometimes our views limit us or make our lives more complicated. Other perspectives sometimes serve us better. This is a chance to consider your outlook on life and decide whether you need to make any changes.

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Choosing to Entertain Thoughts

     Ideas are running through our minds all the time. Some arise in the course of conversation, some through TV, radio or reading, and some just show up in our minds without invitation.

All sorts of ideas arrive everyday and each idea has a message. War news may incline us to think the world is falling apart. Stories about arrests may lead us to think everyone is turning criminal. Criticism of others may encourage us to join the attack, finding fault with whoever is the topic of conversation. There are also positive ideas, but sometimes the negative ones drown them out.

     We do have some control over what ideas end up in our minds. We can choose not to read or watch sensational news and not to associate with people who bombard us with criticism of public figures and everyone they know personally.

     There are times when we don’t have control of our thoughts. We don’t always know what will be in the news, what someone will say or what might pop into our heads without apparent provocation. Although we may not always have control of what thoughts come to our minds, we do have a say in how we respond to them. We may say to a thought “Thanks for stopping by” and let it pass out of our minds as quickly as it entered. We may ask a thought to sit down for a cup of tea and entertain it for a while. We may also adopt a thought, make it our own, and introduce it to everyone we meet.

      Our fears and prejudices, as well as our personalities, may make us more susceptible to negative thoughts and may make it more likely we will entertain or adopt them. Still, we have some choice in how to respond to them. In addition to limiting the thoughts to which we expose ourselves, we have several other tools. We can be aware of the negative ideas which tend to sneak up on us and make a conscious effort to shoo them out the door rather than entertaining or adopting them. We can choose reading and TV shows which are likely to provide us with constructive thoughts. We can be more judicious about the people we allow in our lives. If there are people we can’t avoid, we can find a polite way to tell them we don’t want to share their negativity. While it is hard to change our personalities or ingrained tendencies, we can examine our fears and prejudices and work to eliminate them from our lives. All of this takes conscious effort, but is well worth it for our peace of mind.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

UThe Monacle 

 

     The New Yorker Magazine trademark caught my attention the other day. A man holds up his monocle, a strange little lens dangling from a cord, to better focus on the world’s details. The monocle, like other lenses, changes your normal view of things around you. When I conducted play therapy some years ago, I kept a variety of lenses in my office including binoculars, microscopes, magnifying glasses, and kaleidoscopes. My goal was to help children look at things in a different way from how they were used to seeing them and later to encourage them to look at their lives in a new way as well.

     We all learn to see things in a certain way and tend to limit ourselves to our own point of view. The story of the blind men and the elephant demonstrates that we may have very different perceptions of the same situation if we experience only one aspect of it. What would you make of an elephant if you only encountered the tail, foot or trunk and not the rest of the animal? 

     Israelis and Palestinians have very different perceptions of their ongoing animosity. Opposing political parties differ in what they think is best for their nations, states and communities. Neighbors sometimes become passionate about seemingly small issues such as where to string clotheslines. Strong opinions abound on all sides of all these issues, usually with everyone convinced they are right and that the other side is bullheaded, stupid or just plain wrong.

     No one usually wins such disagreements, and often everyone remains entrenched in their views, convinced they are right, accomplishing little in the controversy other than releasing hot air and sometimes much worse. What if we had a mental lens which allowed us to see the point of view of those with whom we are in conflict?

     The lens would allow us to set aside our convictions for the moment and listen dispassionately to what others might have to say. What is important to them? What do they really want? What if their wishes were not so different from our own? What if the other side also had a magic lens and could understand what it is like to have our convictions. Both sides could give each other a fair hearing.

     Giving the other side a chance for expression may lead to seeing the similarities of seemingly conflicting views. What may initially look like very different positions may turn out just to be different ways of saying the same thing.

     While listening with an open mind, we may also discover that the other side has a legitimate point of view. What we hold dear may not be in anyone’s best interest, including our own. We might find the best course is somewhere in the middle. Revising our thinking would require a level of humility and openness most people do not usually feel when it comes to their cherished beliefs. But what if we tried it and found it worked?

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Take Time to Notice the Little Things 

 

 

     My friend Judie has been watching a pair of nesting phoebes for several years. They build their nest in the most improbable space and tend their chicks with well coordinated teamwork. While driving along the expressway, Carol spotted a tiny fawn grazing along the median, seemingly oblivious of where its mother was. Carol added it to her gratitude list for the day. Driving on a back road, I noticed a row of cornflowers and Queen Anne’s lace framing a cornfield in a subtle blue and white border.

     None of these are earthshaking spectacles. Without an eye for the little things, they would all be easy to miss. It seems much easier for us to notice all the terrible things which bombard us each day and the worries which follow us around. If we allow it to happen, all the awful things in life can overwhelm us. Sometimes things which brighten our day take a special effort to notice.

     Henry Thoreau wrote his memoir, UWaldenU, in the nineteenth century. He described his practice of writing down the things for which he was grateful each day before getting out of bed. Oprah also suggested Thoreau’s practice, described as a gratitude list, a way of keeping in touch with the good things in our daily lives. In order to list things for which we are grateful, we must pay attention to them and savor them as they happen. Some days it seems easy to generate a long list, and some days our troubles seem to block out the good things, making them harder to remember.

     The little things are usually subtle and, without practice, easy to overlook. Nevertheless, they are all around and waiting for us to notice them. The above examples are all from nature, but there are many other delights as well. A kind word, a loving gesture, or a small favor can all brighten our day if we let them.

     The things we notice and choose to think about influence what kind of person we are and how we present ourselves to the rest of the world. If we constantly tune into tragedy, crime and conflict, we will undoubtedly become morose and negative about the world and eventually about ourselves. If we make an effort to notice the day’s little gifts, we will have a brighter outlook on life despite our troubles.

     Having a positive outlook can be contagious. A young woman I know, Megan, is so consistently cheerful, even when things are not going right for her, it is impossible to spend any time with her and not come away feeling more cheerful yourself.

     We all have the choice of what to notice and think about. We can choose to descend into the doldrums or look for the joy in life. It might take some practice but we do have a choice and can brighten our lives and the lives of those around us as well.

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Finding Your Inner Artist  

     A newspaper recently featured articles recognizing the artistic creativity of

Raymond Doward and Diana “Didi” Martin. Raymond started with natural musical and painting talent which he developed on his own. “I paint out of my emotions and out of my inner soul.”

     Didi also started with talent but then had to struggle to regain use of her hand after an accident. “I realized God had given me a gift, taken it away and then graciously given it back again.” 

     I still think of my daughter’s second grade painting of colorful trees, almost as if they were posing for a family portrait. I remember my son discovering his ability to conceive and produce metal sculpture at a time when he was close to hopelessness about his learning disability.

We are all born with the ability to notice our surroundings and interpret them in our own unique ways. Did you ever listen to a child sing, or watch the drawings which emerge from children before lessons in the proper way to draw?

     Many people think they have no talent and could not be creative if they tried. Once when I asked my son how he created his metal sculptures, he told me anybody could do it. I did not think that was quite true. However, I have thought about this many times and have reached the conclusion that everybody does have a creative side.

     With encouragement, some people develop their creativity and become famous or at least recognized for it. Others react to criticism and start to see their art as inferior, or worse, not creative at all.

     Mozart was able to write a concerto in final form with no editing necessary. At the other extreme, some writers go through numerous revisions of their work before publishing it. Being creative does not necessarily mean the work is easy. Like childbirth, creative labor can be relatively easy or long and difficult.

     Okay, what is art? One dictionary definition sees art as the “conscious use of skill and creative imagination.” There are many kinds of art but they all seem to have in common imagination and a unique way of thinking about something.

     Think about the mother who knows just what to say to a demanding child. How about the bank teller who brightens your day each time you enter the bank, even though you just went there to deal with money? Do you remember a coworker who helped you see a way to approach a problem which has been bothering you for some time?

     Everyone has a unique set of life experiences giving each of us a slightly different way of viewing life and its events. Your experience lets you see things in a way no one else can. This is the basis for your art. Whether it is sharing a way of doing things, decorating your house, choosing complementary clothes or even painting, sculpture, song or dance, you have an inner artist. Finding and releasing your artist can be very satisfying. If you would like to learn more about your inner artist, consider reading The Artist’s WayU by Julia Cameron.

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Prosperity 

     Regardless of the ups and downs of the stock market, we are still a wealthy country and most of our citizens are better off than they would be living in another country. What are we to do with this wealth and how should we think about it? Some people see it as a contest, declaring, “He who has the most toys when he dies, wins.”  Some people hoard their wealth, worrying that they might lose it. Others think their wealth gives them the power to have their way with the world and gives our nation the right to dictate how we want the world to be.   Wealth and prosperity are often confused. Wealth means having money and things. The dictionary defines prosperity as the condition of being “successful or thriving.” Having a great deal of money is not the same as being prosperous. Prosperity is not a measure of wealth but a state of mind. It means being comfortable with what we have, and being willing to share what we have with others.

     It is easy to be jealous of those who seem better off than we are, wishing we had their wealth and privileges. It is also easy to look down on others not as fortunate as we are, seeing them as lazy, unmotivated or a drain on the country’s resources.

     Once when I was walking by a very elegant house, I suddenly heard loud screaming escaping from its windows. One of the most intelligent people I have met was content to work as a lay brother in a monastery, cooking and sewing for others who had less native talent than he possessed. The family was obviously not at peace. The lay brother was. The amount of money we have is not what makes us prosperous. Nor would more or less money or things necessarily make us more or less satisfied with our lives.

     What does make us prosperous?  We can be thankful on a daily basis for what we have. We can view what we have as passing through our lives rather than being ours. We can act as stewards of the money and things which pass our way and see ourselves as obligated to use what we have for the betterment of the society we live in and of ourselves. We can pass on possessions or money we do not need to others who could make use of them.

     At the time in my life when I first heard about the idea of prosperity, I was struggling to make ends meet and to satisfy my financial obligations. I decided that worrying about money or possessions would not increase them and decided to take a risk on prosperity. I have since found myself better off than I could ever have imagined. I am not the wealthiest person in the world, but I have learned to be satisfied with what I have and to share my good fortune with others. If you are interested in learning more about prosperity, you might consult the writings of Catherine Ponder or Eric Butterworth.

 

UGetting Old Isn’t for Sissies

     Elke often found herself thinking about her new situation. She was likely to fall into reverie in the early morning hours before the sun came up. She wasn’t so sure she liked her thoughts.

She was still quite independent, more so than most seventy-eight year olds could claim. She had her own home. She saw her friends. The few family members who remained visited her on a regular basis. She had always done her own shopping, did her own wash and cooked elaborate meals for her visitors.

     Life had changed a few weeks ago. She landed on the floor, aware of a tight feeling in her chest, and found it hard to breathe. She later learned that she had a heart attack. This came as quite a surprise to her. She took pains to exercise, if only to walk on a daily basis. Well, almost daily. She was usually careful about what she ate. She did not go to the doctor much, but then she did not have much call to go.

     It wasn’t that bad a heart attack, as such things go. Her doctor did not suggest surgery; although she was not sure what might happen with all those tubes and wires in her. She didn’t have to make many changes to her diet, but she did have to be more careful about salt. Just before leaving the hospital, she started cardiac rehab.

     She had always thought of exercise equipment as pretentious. Who needed a treadmill when there were sidewalks? Who needed a stationary bike when there were bicycles which took her somewhere and gave her a view of something besides a video display or sweaty exercise fanatics?

     Her doctor explained that the equipment allowed better monitoring and control of her exertion. This was important to make sure she did not overdo it and cause more damage to her heart. It seemed they wanted to measure and control everything about her now. It was hard to accept. Well, maybe they knew their business. After all, she paid them enough.

Elke stopped herself at that last thought. She said it out loud, “I paid them enough.” It sounded a little sarcastic. She had never thought of herself as sarcastic. Most of the people she knew who had a habit of being sarcastic were angry about something. Could she be angry?

She looked down at her fist and found it clenched. Hmm. As she opened her fist, she realized that clenching was not a one of her usual activities. Her arthritis had gotten a little worse in the last few years. What would have made her angry?

     She thought again of all the things she still had: relative independence, a good mind, her cooking and sewing. Yes, they were all still there. She didn’t like to think about what was missing. Her husband had been gone for a long time. She was ready to let go of him but her bed was sometimes cold, and maybe a little lonely. She had male friends but never entertained the thought of sharing her bed again, except on the coldest of nights.

     Her heart attack was not the first time her body had let her down. The hysterectomy was more a bother than a loss. Cataracts clouded her world but the surgery made her vision better than it had been in years despite having to get used to glasses. Gall bladder surgery meant she had to limit some of her favorite foods, but it was an incentive to eat healthier.

     Elke had made the best of it except for the annoying arthritis which sometimes hurt and sometimes made small tasks quite difficult. But then, aspirin and swimming helped keep her arthritis at bay.

     All in all, Elke thought she had always made the best of even trying situations. If anything, she might be angry with her body asserting its mortality in such a dramatic way. If she thought about it, she would realize that the battle would eventually be lost, at least physically. She didn’t like to think about it.

     There was a time when she could not look beyond the mortal. When her husband died, she found comfort with an old friend, Jenny, who had also lost her husband. Jenny always seemed cheerful despite her loss. Elke finally asked her about her cheerfulness after puzzling over it for a while.

     Jenny explained that the way she looked at life was as a loan from God. Good loaned some people just a little life and some much more. This had helped Jenny understand what others referred to as dying too soon. It was not too soon, but just the end of the time God had loaned them. Jenny saw each day as precious and was glad to have another chance to see the sun come up. Elke gradually adopted Jenny’s philosophy and learned to accept each day on its own terms and on God’s too for that matter. Still, getting old isn’t for sissies.

 

 

Reviews

[Sel Whiteley]

YOu deal with the worst in life and yet you do it in a such an uplifting way. I find you writings a huge help. It's written in a clear accessible way with a lot of fluidity.

[Kara Emily Krantz]

I can tell right away this is my kind of piece :)

"Choosing to Entertain Thoughts"

this has always been a big issue for me. It has taken a lot of strength for me to even be able to realize what causes my anxiety/feelings of depression, and stop these thoughts before I 'entertain" them too long

"There are also positive ideas, but sometimes the negative ones drown them out. " - sadly, very true. which is why our choices about what to think about are so important for our well-being, both mentally and spiritually.

"Although we may not always have control of what thoughts come to our minds, we do have a say in how we respond to them. We may say to a thought "Thanks for stopping by" and let it pass out of our minds as quickly as it entered. We may ask a thought to sit down for a cup of tea and entertain it for a while. We may also adopt a thought, make it our own, and introduce it to everyone we meet."

I really loved that paragraph. Written very fluidly, very well.. and with gentle truths

"We can choose" - I think that is the main point, and even though it's so simple, it's also so complicated!
"All of this takes conscious effort," - ding ding ding!

The monocle - what a fantastic idea to work with! I almost wish you had shared more on that subject - it really opened many different parts of my mind :)

"What may initially look like very different positions may turn out just to be different ways of saying the same thing. " - what an important statement. I love how you approached that!

"Revising our thinking would require a level of humility and openness"

Take Time to Notice the Little Things

I made a gratitude list for a while - I should get back to that :)

"It seems much easier for us to notice all the terrible things"... "Sometimes things which brighten our day take a special effort to notice. "

" The things we notice and choose to think about influence" - I like the transition you made back onto this subject, which you had basically opened the piece with.

Finding Your Inner Artist

"We are all born with the ability to notice our surroundings and interpret them in our own unique ways."
"Being creative does not necessarily mean the work is easy."

"consider reading The Artist's WayU by Julia Cameron." - awww this was listed on my bio for a while - i'm reading this right now (have been for months!!) and it's just fantastic... everything in my life has been changing from it, which is just fascinating and so fulfilling. :)

Prosperity

"decided to take a risk on prosperity."

"Most of the people she knew who had a habit of being sarcastic were angry about something. Could she be angry? " - what a fantastic point.. lol, even though a little scary, because i'm a terribly sarcastic person! but i know what you mean - it's that 'bitter' sarcasm.. that always hints at something more...

I love your story about Elke. You made her so human and real and tangible to us. Really poignant and a great tool for sharing a lesson on life and living.

Okay I just loved this!!! Sorry if I blabbered on a bit - I just really wanted to share the parts that I loved the best, as I would want to know such things if it were my piece.

I'm so glad I found you and your work. This is much like something I would love to write someday.. once I have more life experience and such. I had a to write a huge thesis sort of paper for my Counseling Psychology Masters- and I talked about a lot of issues, but in a very technical way, since I had to.. but this was exactly the type of thing I would have liked to have written, while making many of the same points about our brains and our cognitive processes, and therefore our sense of well-being and health.

yay! big hugs and thanks for sharing