Industrial Sized Stain Remover

The putrid odor of the happy family’s bathroom was growing entirely unbearable and was beginning to border on the totally obscene. It could not have been the result of a purely biological process that occurs routinely and universally. It was oppressive and suffocating and the second you walked in there was this convoluted bomb of complex and unknown emotions that slapped you all around and made you nauseous. So powerful, toxic, and potent that the user felt an opiate attachment. The happy family had grown used to it after about thirteen years of relative happiness, so when guests arrived they just gently urged them to use the less labyrinthic one upstairs. For all its horrors and questionable origins the ravishingly horrific stench may have been the secret to the happy family’s happiness. The happy family must have figured out a way to compound all the s**t, not just the purely physical s**t but the spiritual s**t, the real bullshit that sucker punches your core. The “My GPS took me to a farmhouse down a dirt road 13.6 miles from the nearest gas station and 42.3 miles away from where I need to be.” It’s the type of anger inducing occurrence that is deserving of a word harder than s**t. That type of heavy, American, obnoxiously stupid event that gnaws on your skull like an extra coarse sand paper and strikes you with malignant cynicism that’s hard to shake. That type of feeling was as foreign to the happy family as the idea of dinner not being at 5:30.

That summer the bathroom still stunk, as it had for many years prior. The mother stuck a peppermint air freshener outside the bathroom door to mask the stench that was starting to stem out of the bathroom. A simple fix for a minor inconvenience. The child was involved in swimming and trumpet that summer, and the teen worked days at the local convenience store. They were pacing in their own hallway of bliss and leisure, spending their summers the way happy, growing kids should. The father continued work, and the mother was chauffeuring the kids and taking pilates classes. Sometimes she thought about the smell, but dinner was still served at 5:30 regardless.

The day was beaming and sultry as the happy family busted through the front door, souls full with contentment after an afternoon at the pool. This day was especially special, as it was the child’s first experience jumping off the high dive. This made the family extra happy, even celebratory. They were planning on sharing a relaxing evening of board games and old home movies. The father went through the door first, bent over gasping and promptly exited with his hands cupped around his nose and tears sprinkling across his face. He stood on the brick porch for a moment, looking at the blue sky and saying nothing, wiping his eyes and coughing. His family stared at him in blank dread and momentarily pondered the certain horror that stood inside. The kids were silent with confusion. The father immediately dialed for the police and sternly warned no one else to enter the home. As he called, a teenage neighbor walked by, one who had some type of Freudian sexual fixation on the mother of the happy family. He and the teenager of the happy family were acquaintances. The child squirmed and the teenager squinted into the distance as the mother conferred with the father as to what on earth was going on. The father led them into the sturdy and still air-conditioned cool SUV and turned on the ignition. No one knew what he had planned. He backed out of the driveway carefully and switched on the radio..Bothered by the song, he adjusted the radio knob as the waning seconds of the teenager’s favorite song floated by.The mother sighed and stared at the house as they glided away The father put on his sunglasses to see clearly in the bursting sun.

Reviews

[John Elridge Medlin]

I really enjoyed this story a lot. Your phrasing is fantastic. The story itself is a great one. A part of me wishes it was a little bit more specific with the characters. Another part likes the detached feel of them lacking names. I suppose its a thing that comes down to personal preference. I wonder how the story could go on. Or what exactly was the cause of the stench. Good questions that I believe any good story should have asked at the end.

[Jake Kokoris]

I appreciate the in depth review! And I agree with a lot of your comments about the specificity and characterization, I think I'll add a little more of that. :)

[John Elridge Medlin]

Happy to help where I can.

[Kaliope]

I actually liked that the origins of the stench remained a mystery, thus it felt almost like a metaphor for the family's denial. Furthermore the detached characterization is consistent with the somewhat detached emotional state of these people. I really liked that and it gave the story a slightly surreal touch.

Regarding the neighbor kid I have no clue what his function is, so if you plan to keep him in the story my advice is to flesh out his character/role a bit more.

Style wise I'd suggest going easy on adverbs, there are quite a lot of them in the first and last paragraph and I thought that some of them could have been dropped without changing tone or losing tension.

Nevertheless this was a great story, mysterious and intriguing. I thoroughly enjoyed it!

[manchilld99]

I enjoyed this, and it definitely piqued my curiosity about the smell and what it meant about the family.

Be a bit careful with word choices. For example, when the family "busted through the front door," it literally means that something got busted -- broken. Did you mean 'burst?'

You need more room for this; this neighbor teenager is explained into the story once he is there, given the difference in the family's children's ages, there might have been a difference in their understanding and acceptance to this smell which is a central part of the family. A little more development would be good so that we are a bit more comfortable and then, ZAP! We get hit with whatever happened to dad at the end. Did the neighbor kid have something to do with it? Would he somehow 'expose' the family to others?

I enjoyed and was intrigued by this. Is there more coming?

[Jake Kokoris]

Thank you immensely for the in depth review. When i wrote this I did not have a clear explanation for the origins of the smell, nor its importance to the family. In the coming time I'll try to sort it out and elaborate on the story. Thanks for stopping by.

[FaeryQueen]

i enjoy this a lot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Edis Radoncic]

great writing. i like how you introduce new sentences in the story. try to finish the story!

[Jake Kokoris]

Thanks for the review. I'll do my best to add some meat to the story in the coming days.

[Roland Petrov]

Suspense that leaves the reader to participate in what could have happened, and what might happen next. Well conceived and written.

[Jake Kokoris]

Thank you for the review. I really appreciate it