Prologue

Lab 51, Fort Mexley, Sector 10

“I need the gene for exceptional skill in math and science implanted in this embryo in the next five minutes or it won’t be able to accept it and this will become another unsuccessful attempt.”

“Inserting the gene now, sir” 

“Good. In a half hour insert the apt for multi-lingual communication next. And a half hour after that, the statistical analysis gene. We can not fail on this. The Commander has made this top priority. This soon to be child along with three others will contribute to our country in a way no one can understand.”

“Yes sir. We understand sir.”

Quantum Hall, Sector 5, Nation Capital

“Welcome to Quantum Hall, and welcome to the Nation’s capital. You four have been selected out of millions of women who applied to be surrogate mothers, surrogate mothers for the government. This entire operation will be known as Government Owned Property Children or rather GOP Children. This is a great honor. Probably more so than you could ever understand. You were chosen based on your health and genetic record, and of course your clean criminal record. From the start of the pregnancy period you will be on a strict diet. You must only eat food your dietary expert allows, you must get a minimal of 8 hours of sleep a night, you will exercise as your instructor sees fit, and you will take all of the nutritional pills and medicines the baby will require. You will also submit to periodic testing in order to make sure the developing child is in a healthy state and is responding positively to the genes selected specifically for them.”

The group of four haggard looking women sat side by side, staring up at the man dressed in a crisp, perfectly fitted suit who had just bestowed this information upon them. They said nothing, so the man continued.

“As you know there have been genetically modified children for over 15 years now, but these are quite unlike the others. They have a predetermined destiny, a life chosen for them by the government. They will work for the government the second they come into existence. You are to birth them, not raise them. You are not their mothers. In all technicality, yes, part of them has come from you, but when you signed up for this position you knowingly signed away all your rights to them. The only decision you will be allowed in their life are their names. You may give your assigned child one first name. We will assign their last name. What we do with the children after birth does not concern you. You are to have no contact with the children. They have incredible futures ahead of them and can not afford any confusion with their parentage.”

Again, the man paused. He peered down at the women who stared back at him. Dead, cold eyes, he thought. The things people will do for money. The man put his thoughts aside, pushed his glasses back up to the bridge of his sweaty nose, and continued the rest of his speech. 

“Once the four infants are birthed, they will be stabilized and having passed the healthy baby checklist will be immediately taken and safely flown to Sector 13, where they will begin a strict formula diet, comprised of essential nutrients for their development. Once they reach the age of three months, each child will be placed in a separate sector, or district of the country, and will go to institutions with other genetically modified youth to learn the basic subjects of mathematics, english, science, and the new Nation’s history. They will also be able to partake in certain stimulating subjects and activities such as art, music, government approved sports, and interaction with technology. The four children will never know their importance, will never be told they are the government’s property until they have reached an age the Nation Commander sees fit. At the end of their school day they will not go home to families and parents, like other modified children, but will go to orphanages. These orphanages will be run by specific government workers, and will contain psychologists and scientists that are necessary to track each of the children’s progress.  At the age of twelve, 1,000 modified children will be selected to spend the next four years of their lives at the Academy for Genetically Gifted Children, and among those 1,000 will be the child that each of you birth. If one of your four children is proven to be less worthy than any of the other students selected for the Academy, they will be terminated, as they no longer have a use. You have no say in this decision either.”

The man took another deep breath and concluded,

“Once again, this is a great honor. You will bear the most influential beings this world has known. Oh, and of course, you will receive your $300,000 as promised once the child is born. Now, please gather what belongings you have and follow me through the door to our left. From here on out you are the government’s property. After the pregnancy, you will be free to live your life. Thank your for your duty to your country.”

The women picked up their belongings, which was not much, and saying nothing walked out of the vast, marble hall, following the man who promised money. 

One Year Later. Quincy Memorial Hospital, Sector 5, Nation Capital

The lank women who’s clothes hung off their bony and malnourished frames a year ago were no longer recognizable. They were fit, muscular, and healthy. They followed protocol, did exactly what their trainers instructed, and birthed four healthy, genetically modified children all at the same hospital, on the same day, in the same hour, in the same minute. And so the GOP Children were named: Andromeda, Kai, Layla, and Perseus. 

Reviews

[JayG]

Have your computer read this to you. You'll hear what the reader gets. Now, you hear it as you would speak it aloud, complete with intensity, meaningful pauses, and changes in pitch cadence and volume. But the reader gets none of that. For them the words roll on at a steady rate, delivering fact after fact in an emotion free voice.

There are tricks that will place the necessary emotion in the voice, but to use them you need to learn them, and what they can do for you. Setting a bit of time aside to acquired them via the local library system's fiction writing department would be a wise investment of time.

[JJ Stellar]

Thanks so much for your feedback, I'll take what you say to heart. I have had many others read what I have so far, and this is the first time I've gotten a response where someone has said that it appears to be very monotone. That's what I love about readers though, one will never perceive something the exact same way another would!

[S. von Glaubitz]

Interesting! What an eerie concept!

I'm glad you've found a passion for writing! You clearly have the talent for it. Your writing is strong and intelligent, and you've clearly given a great deal of thought to developing the functionality of the world you're writing about, which can be tricky (and also a lot of fun). You also successfully established an approriately clinical tone in this prologue, so good job.

That being said, I actually went on to read Chapter One before returning to comment on the prologue, since I wasn't 100% sure about it. Here a few things I would recommend taking another look at:

Despite how well the clinical tone works for the subject matter, I don't know if having such long blocks of dialogue is the best thing. Listening to some unnamed man drone on is boring in real life, and no matter what he's talking about, it could get boring to read, too. I would recommend breaking up the dialogue just a little more with some more narration, especially pertaining to the four women or to explain the building/room they're in. Think of it as more opportunity to set the tone. (You were smart enough to set up the ending of the first chapter by keeping the man unnamed, and that really worked, so don't change that.)

There's a lot of information provided here. Honestly, I don't think I was able to absorb a lot of it, so even though I went right on the read Chapter One, I had to go back to clarify things I was confused about. See if there's anything you can take out here to reveal later in the story, and see what key takeaways can be reinforced with a fresh explanation in Chapter One.

I'm not sure if the first segment adds anything exept shock value. It doesn't seem to add anything to the plot, since the embryo it pertains can't be one of the four. Or is it? If it is, maybe you can make that clearer somehow.

Finally, and this is just a true reader reaction, I'm surprised the goverment allows the mothers to name the children. Is it that they just can't be bothered? Naming something makes emotional investment skyrocket, and the government seems intent on preventing emotional investment from the mothers.

Hope some or any of that helps!