"The Payout and The Prophet" by Jimmy Nuzz

An autobiography of living with my life experience.

         The Payout and The Profit  

              ''My life and Time"

    Where does one get started? With all the countless sheets of paper thrown away while trying to write about oneself can be the norm, so even for a seasoned writer it's not going to be easy. Think about these ideas which never made it, because we though they were too hard to figure out.

    Writng about self is by far the toughest journey. Scary, because most folks are too coy, or cannot put their circumstance elongated into enough words about themself. I am neither of those, and although I cannot live without writing. The tough part is being cozy with yourself enough to be able to collectively have something interesting enough to say for writing about, and remember it. Putting it all down into words is easy, but crafting the words is an enirely difficult task; its tedious work writing, plus most cannot find the time. I do have a hard time talking about myself, mainly because no one asks me. Plus I don't explain myself to anyone, or anyhow; I believe I don't. My only problem with writing, is the fact that I can't stand it when I feel a geat thing in my mind, and don't have access to put it down, which is lame. I usually sometimes throw something in about myself, but I don't do it often.  I always thought  I was a boring type of person, but after looking at my own big picture. I realize my life has been really interesting. As an introvert, I have been a trail blazer in my own right, by that I did things to satisfy my curiosity of life. I call it an introverted extrovert, which sounds strange, but I'll bet you understand. My life I felt was an open book; I thought people understood me-I was dead wrong. Nobody understood me; very few. Some wild things, I am sure people on opposite ends of the spectrum would differ, but I am me. I did things my way, or struggled to define my own way the best I could. There are lots of thinks to come in this biography, so embrace me, and use some humor while I take the journey with you in mind. And remember one thing. I'll try to do my best to enlighten you. If you have an open mind, keep it that way, because I might have an effect on that. I always considered myself to be a granule of sand that will turn into a' bright pearl, or a' diamond in the rough. I hope dearly I wasn't wrong in my philosophical thinking. But one never know what life has in store; now does one. We can only live one day at a time. Its the glue that makes us all equal.

   So first off, which is my phrase for listen. Don't think for a moment that I had any  regrets about anything I have ever lived through, because you'll learn real fast by reading about me. And I know I've learned so many things about life by experience.  life. I know that any page that has never been turned in my life, would have screwed the  rest of my destiny up if I didn't follow my own instinct for leaping out and jumping in and going for it. There were times, which I will describe of these things I have done which were almost the end of my life, and there were many of those times. Thinking about it, I am a very blessed individual to be able to breath, walk, and live between Gods rich green earth and his endless changing blue sky. I said my life is an ineresting story, so allow me to start at age sixteen. I chose sixteen for a specific reason. I have already been through a lot before, just like any teenager; we think we know everything.

    I know exactly where I was on my sixteenth birthday, and exactly what was going through my mind. There are plenty of people which can remember as far bak to when being a child still crawling on all fours, and most remember from, the innocent age five. There's no need right now for me to go back that far. Where I wanted to start, makes me more interesting. I remember waking up and looking in the mirror telling the creature staring back at me. How precious life really is, and it can be lost in an instant like a flicker of light. The reason for that talk with self was out of fright from the night before, but I wasn't scared of death anymore. The double edge sword we face happens more often than we want to admit it will... . Life in itself is wonderful; like matrimonial vows. For better or worse-I'll take it and spit it out with pleasure.

   I had two pills left I was saving for my sixteenth birthday. Last night was horrific. I was walking on a highway hitchhiking. I wanted to go some place, I didn't know what I was doing. I was drunk and high all day, plus all night. I seen a cop hit reverse, so I ran in the other direction; of course, any kid would, right?  As I was running on that highway, I leeped over the embankment to my left, which turned out to be a fourty foot fall. Those bushes, which that was what I thought they were' a' place to hide behind- turned out to be top's of trees. I was falling fast, and I thought I was dead for about an hour. Perhaps I was, and wasn't ready to go yet. I want you to feel what I seen; as my body was dropping before I finally hit the ground. I was in a round tunnel. Although it was pitch black, I can see this circular tunnel-it was spinning. It seemed as if I was stading in front of it, and never going inside, but it was coming toward me in lightening speed. Near death experiences, people have said they seen their entire life pass before them. This wasn't my case. It seemed as if I was standing at the entrance of a round tunnel, and as it spun comming at me. There were green tops of trees as if I were in a forest. I cannot make sense of why I seen it, nor for what reason. I just thought it was strange, because it was dark outside. I really thought I was dead when I hit the ground though. I was shocked to be still alive. The next day I figured out how precious life really is, because there must be reasons why I survived that fall without even a scratch. Matter of fact, I can lay a dozen near death experiences out in this bio at anytime. Praying became my second nature after this near fatal night.

   Well, why not put a few more out there for the world to see. Maybe when I get to my philosophy on life, it will help you to see perhaps why I think the way I do now. It isn't just any old philosophy, my way changes, because I am so dynamic. I don't believe most people see themselves as dynamic, but I sure have. Since I was three feet tall I knew my life was destine for fame, and learned early on it will be achieved; one way or the other. I still felt the exact same way. Coming close to death many times only cemented this belief. I am talking about purpose from a higher calling, a divine intervention which has been happening in my life right up until now. At one point I felt I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Maybe because it is so extrordinary, it is hard to grasp it as a reality. Trying to figure out those mysteries in life leaves me with a lot of answers, answers which keep coming up as new questions. The one answer always remains the same, I am still here to fullfil my purpose, because I have dodged too many bullets not to believe in myself any other way. I know what my purpose is, but does it jive with the big "G" or who, or what controls the universe, and evey particle in it. Ask yourslf these kinds of questions, then see how far you get for finding an answer. After all, isn't that why you're still reading about me. To find out what makes me tick, or are biographies a form of voyerism for other peoples entertainment, and a self check exibition. Either way it's fine, I like sharing; only because I like writing, and know people like reading.

   Another close encounter, or brush with death came as a complete surprise. All of them were, I just use hindsight as an exuse for blaming myself for being stupid and or crazy. I guess its all just comments anyhow, which leave you in wonderment. The trick is not dwelling on any of it. "Be immune to rumor" for lack of a better saying; its my aphorism, These day's I psych myself up-to only dwell on good thought's. It works. I call this; my good mojo. Don't take bull seriously anymore, so lighten up when someone is pouring their guts out in a bio. Hey, this next episode could happen to anyone. Well a lot of thinks in my life changed rapidly after each one of these close calls. Like most young people we often think either the best, or worse about the ones closest to us; our friends. That's if you have a few; than consider yourself to be lucky. Most folk's only have one.

    Once I had a plan on one of our many adventures we have taken, either out of boredom, or sheer excitment. As a young person feeling their oats it's the cure and cause for a lot of trouble either way you slice it. That double edge sword I was mentioning comes in all sorts of surprises waiting around every corner.

    About six of us headed out toward the woods. There was a special swimming pond we always took a dip in, and use to think we were the only persons who knew about it. Picture that; wasn't so. At the end was this trail past the swimming pond, and behind it were railroad tracks, behind that were endless woods we hung at. It was winter so the pond was obviously frozed over solid; so I thought. I wanted to cross the pond and meet up with my friends on the other side. It was actually the direction we came in from. We were all either high, drunk or both. I got seperated from the crowd. My plan was to walk across the ice, and to meet up with my friends later. I wanted to surprise them by showing up on the other side. It was what really happened next that I never expected, but will never forgot. I don't believe I'll ever forget what happened for the rest of my natural life.

     I tried to be slick and cunning, and it almost cost me my life. It was very dark out for one, but I decided to walk to the end of the ice pond as far as I could. The ice started cracking, but it excited me; the danger--- and I fell straight through to the bottom of the pond. I remember it was freezing, so I did a little panic dance underwater. My feet were tangled up in the tall lilly pond weeds. These things, the more I kicked, the tighter and tangled they became around my legs and feet. I though this was it for me. I couldn't see anything but black water and myself. I almost froze, and out of nowhere I heard a soft voice "You're going to be alright" I swear, in an instant my body floated to the top, but I was underneath a layer of ice. I couldn't find the opening right off the bat. I tried feeling with my hand's around over my head for the hole where I fell through. I finaly felt it, and I don't know exactly how I managed to get out, because as I forearmed the ice to lean up, the ice kept cracking and breaking off. I kept trying until I reached thicker ice and managed to climd out of the freezing water. I believe this is called a' miracle.

     I was soaking wet in below zero weather, walking around half stunned when I heard someone calling my name. My friends showed up saying they were looking for me, where did I take off too; wondering, where did I go? They seen I was wet, so we went back to our apartment hangout. We always knew someone older for a place to smoke weed and crash at. My entire body was blue, my face and lips were purple for about four hours. My friends laughed some, but believe me; that was the last thing on my mind. The moral of this episode is this...the soft voice. I don't know where it came from, so you make up your own mind. If it wasn't for the soft voice telling me I will be alright. I would have never stoped kicking my feet. Once I stopped trying to kick my way up, I relaxed and my body mysteriously floated to safety. Thats what I am talking about, there is something watching over me. Not just once, many times. This particular incident blew my mind. Think about how many people die from hypothermia. Almost all victims which fall through frozen ponds, do not live to talk about it. You do the math. Perhaps I am not mister amazing, which I like to call myself, but something extrordinary happened back there.

     Want more, because there are a  few great narrow escapes I want to talk about. I want to share this with you so, if there is an ouside chance anyone needed an extra boost for believeing in the spiritual realm like guardian angles, and the big "G", or a higher universal spirit like an energy controlling the bigger picture, so be it. What ever floats your boat, and if you're one of those; there is a logical and practical explaination for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction persons. I am all in with that too. Believe me, if there is an answer to everything, I will try to find it. Unless I am wrong, and all of this is natural. There truly is something-if that's a reason; I'll take it.

    Most of the near deaths were accidental. Most times I was being stupid. Once when I was skipping school; the seventh grade wasn't my cup of tea. I did not have any interest in learning the traditional way. I began self educating myself at this point of my life. I worked here and there. I worked the carnival, raking leaves, washing cars. You name it. I had an affliction, it was no secret I liked smoking pot and drinking with my buddies, so I needed some occasional poket money. I never stole, or deal drug's. I was young, but I found some sort of work. A few dollars thrown-in together by a few of us went far. We always found an adult coming out of a liquer store willing to buy for us. A few joints were cheap back then. We would head out for the woods, and party to get out of the line of fire of the police.

   Being a loner, every once in a while I would treck myself to the woods when ever I wanted time to be alone, and take a voyage. I remember being on the railroad tracks looking for something to do. I skipped school a' lot, and I mean a' lot. The tracks led right toward the woods anyhow, but I didn't want to mention this until later. Since I brought it up. I was crazy around trains. I found an old empty 55 galon steel drum once, put it on the tracks, and I couldn't believe the train actually stopped. The dumbest thing I ever did was put my ear against the track, by thinking I could either hear, or feel if the train was coming. Well there was a turn; a train was coming around this corner, and I was on the wrong side of it; the blind side around the corner that this tain came out of nowhere was blowing its horn. I got got startled, bacause my head was laying on the track, and ran out of the way in the wrong direction. I misjudged the direction, so I leaped, boy it was a near miss. Try to jump over two sets of tracks. I landed on a board with two rusty nails sticking out. They were stuch in my knee, so I pulled it out. I was seen walking alond the road, and someone gave me a rode home. I remember sitting in the back seat. My sneaker felf wet, and warm, so I kooked down and my pant leg was soaked with blood that was pouring down my leg from my knee. The sneaker filled with blood, and my socks were soaked. I still have a hudge scar across my right knee to remind me of that day. Some things a kid does is so stupid, its beyond any sense, and defies logic. That describes me on that fathful day. You better believe I admit it. I'm still alive to tell about it'; aren't I now?

      Now the better story. This was on my sixteenth birthday still. I was taking it easy all day watching a Clint Eastwood movie drinking Jack Daniels. I headed out to a local bar, that the owner didn't mind letting under age guys hang out drinking beer. Actually the old timers got their kicks telling us war stories, and telling us how to live our lives when we grow up and finally get a real job. They alwaus said, "You'll never find a decent woman hanging in a bar." We didn't care at all about any of that. We were just there for the free beers. If we had money, we got served anyway.

    Well early that night I was sitting there when one of my best buddies came in. Al was looking for me, being my birthday and all. He had a few qualudes, and a bottle of blackberry rum. We took a walk...Al always used, 'lets take a walk', when we were usually up to no good. We stole a car for a joyride. The cars muffler pipe was broken, so everytime we hot wired it, there was this loud engine sound. The car was parked right outside the owners window, but for some reason they never suspected anything.

    We took off to a back road where most joy riders go. Roller coaster road we called it. We got that car off of all four wheels, and when we landed it hit the side of an oncoming car. We bounced off, and flew down a long drop. We actually slid down hill on someones grassy field. We sort of drove between two giant oak trees, and I don't know how we were so lucky. The trees only had enough room between them, that both door handles on each side were cruched in. We blacked out, and when I came too, Al wasn't sitting in the drivers side seat. When I opened my door, I fell about seven or eight feet to the ground below us. We somehow landed on top of a wood pile. How that car didn't smash right into it is a mystery. How the car ended on top of it is strange. I was surprised the car wasn't teetering. We ran, but cops were all over the place by then. I could see their lights coming through the trees. I grabbed Al, and we hid behind a stone and leaves wall until they drove by us. As we started walking down the road, the cops stopped us. One cop acted like hitler screeming in out faces. I don't have to paint you a whole picture, but after when our names were mentioned. The guy who owned the car pulled a gun on me, and I was forced to fight with his buddy. One kick in the balls, and a black eye, and it was all over. I think I got one punch in, but it felf good, and besides. These guys were so dirty they would never call the cops on us.

    The point again is the two oak trees. How in the hell did we make it through them with the exact amount of room between them. The car came down from being airborn, and then flew out of control. Luck perhaps...yes; yes I'll accept that episode as pure luck.

    There was no drama in my personallife, I don't believe I was a dramatic person. Not outwardly anyway. All my life I have been living in fear inside. Afraid of people, suspicious and cynical is the best way I can describe myself. I learned to overcome most of myself, my insecurities and doubts. Non the less, this world is amazing. Anger, I do not know too much about what causes it. But I do know peoples chemistry has a lot to do with it. Vibes between people when they cross, I know plenty of people which do get it, and know what we mean. Society itself contributes causes, and cure. Both senerios are either willing and unknowng, also if we do not have self control. Can anyone imagine what kind of world this would end up being. I sure wouldn't want to live i it.

    Along the way. Believe me I have developed many self creeds. If only we would listen to our own inner voice instead of trying to impose our will on everyone else. Never seek sympathy, or self pity. Not to condone belittleing, and certainly not drama. Can't tolerate fakes, and most horrific crimes on woman and children. Like anyone, never appreciate angry people. Most of all I dislike when I spell wrong. Poor people can be alright, and being poor sucks. Atheists are to me, confused. Last but not least if not at the top of my list; dirty cops make the worse people. There's always more trouble, even for honest people when one shows up.

    Right about then the year was almost over. First I had to go to my second year of the ninth grade. A quarter credit was all I had from my first time around. That alone had put a lot of attention on me. Especially when the new principle was your social studies teacher from eigth grade. The one I told I didn't need school, because I made more money than he does. Get the point where this is going. The first three day were definately out of my control, at least not behind school ground doors anyway.

    Anyone ever hold a grudge, and possibly take it too far. Perhaps you were only aggravating youself. That's my life story. How does the song and dance go? What a tangled web we weave, when we first set out to deceive. Life can be harsh, why do so many people make it harder? I don't know. I really do not like that answer. I don't know sounds so lame. Although it is the most humiliating thing to amit, I always found it difficult. I wasn't built that way. I never tried to B/S anyone. The old dog, young dog caught me by surprise many times by not knowing the difference. Sound familiar.It's something we all learn to blow off as experience, or lack of it. I always said my stupidty is mine; I own it.

    I have to admit, I always had a better insight on how woman react to, and use a grudge. They seem to hold on to one for years, as if their engineered for it. Their so tuned ino grudges that they possess some sort of humor in the subject. Perhaps they see some profit in it. Emotional strength in their will against anothers. It took me years to figure out exactly why some woman can't stand each other. They are a dramatic breed, and it's no wonder they can't tolerate each other. Which leads me to another subject; professionalism and men. There always seems to be a hidden agenda when it come to guys. We harbor ill will, but almost never bring it up. Once an issue is over we tend to let it drop. We have better sense in a sense. There is no point in going down the same narrow road. I will say that we know how to ignore an issue though. It's better to keep the peace, althouh we will hold on to our personal agenda till the bitter end.

    My encore of the ninth grade lasted all of three days. My old teacher sat me down to give me a dose of my own medicine. Asking me if I wanted to be here. You guessed right if you were thinking no. That was my last day, so eventually I enlisted in the U. I got such a high score on the test. Plus the one point for dignity they add on, I scored a hundred. That raised their eyebrows, so the put me in the Airforce testing room. I took a battery of higher education tests, which I scored an average of mid seventies. Off to bootcamp I went. Paris Island was no bargain. I realized I joined the service for the wrong reasons. I knew when they said; take a look at the guy to your left, and right. One of you won't be here in the next sixty days. I was that guy. They couldn't break me physically, but mentally I was not regimentable. The guy that jumped off of the third floor of the barracks to get into formation, those were the gunho guys that had killer instinct. Not this guy, although they said I had potential. I became a recruit dropout, and was Honorably discharged. I remember standing in front of the review board. I stood up and told a Major; why not ship me off to the Army instead. This guy stood up with a look in his eyes. I knew this soldier had been in real combat before. The look of a person who has killed before is real. I've seen that look before. Have you ever seen a sharks black eyes? Well that's the look. It's dark, cold and totally black, but filled with purpose at the same time. Talk about having the feeling you said the wrong thing to the wrong person, and at the wrong time all wrapped in one moment. Well that moment was huger than old dog, young dog. It felf more like this guy wanted to rip my heart out, and hand it to me.

    I remember being sent to the military phyciatrist for evaluation. I was sitting in his office, and when he walked in. I said, is thet the family, od did the picture come with the frame. He just looked  and rolled his eyes. My attitude was deemed Mr. Jeckle and Hyde. I asked what that supposed to mean. He said I am calm one day, and explosive another. That I have a character disorder. I signed the paperwork, and was shipped to another part of the island.

   I remember the first day I arrived. We were ordered against the bulkhead. I was standing next to this six foot monster with half his front teeth missing. He looked down at me and asid; I am the craziest M/F'r on this island, and not to forget it. I knew this guy was trouble right then and there. I looked right back at him, and said. I am the craziest person you'll ever meet, and don't you forget it. We became buddies for a few weeks after that. Turned out thhat this guy was crazy afterall. Some of th sick things he did defied normal behavior. I remember when it was his time to pack, he was being shipped home. I stepped back to make a room for a clean leap. I ran at him, dove across two bunks and flew my shoulder into him. He grabbed me and flubg me across the barracks. We shoock hands, and off he went. I told him, I wanted to leave you something to remember me by. He wished me luck, and said it made his day.

     All along the way in my young life. I took my vengance out on self educating myself. Testing my progress like my own teacher. Making improvements according to how much I needed to keep at it for learning as much as I could remember. I can still remember the title of the first book I became inthrawlled in: Winds of Carolina. My identity teetered between thinking I can be a genius, and slow in the mind at the same time. I always believed it takes the same amount of intelligence to become a scholar, that it does to be a town idiot. The same is true for happiness, or what ever it is you're seeking in life. If finding that one thing which makes you happy. You'll have half the battle licked; we hope.

    We all have things that has to end though. That is especially true with friends. saying you went through an entire life, and can have one true friend is rare. Sadly all things come to an end.

    I always imagined I would become an important person. I always felt I wanted to be a humanitarian helping others. I realized I had a problem though. The mind is thinking all sorts of intelligent things, but the link betwee thought and mouth doesn't always come out as eloquent as I thought. Such is life, after all no one is perfect. Chemistry amongst people is a hard fact of life. I was once told, out of a hundred people you're not going to get along with all of them. I figured out I was out numbered. If anyone wonders where their cynicism originates from. Look no further than your next door neighbor.

      Not to mention, I wouldn't be on the up and up if I don't mention all of my episodes with the police. Some come to mind, some I would like to forget period. First off I have to mention a real bad day that almost, and should have been the end all of me in the worst way involving; FIRE. There were two, but this one takes the stupid award all  the way around no matter how you slice and dice it.

    Me and a couple of my friends were in a car load together,while we were driving down a highway one night, when we bumped another car. This minor incident caused a terrible outcome, which thanfully turned out alright. I'll fill in the blanks before I'm done, but for now I'll start at the beginning.

    On this particulat morning, I was waiting for a phone call from my best friend Al. We were sposed to be hanging out, but I never got the call on time. I am nineteen years old by this time, and so didn't think much about being stiffed. I figured Al hooked up with another friend, and was smoking some weed and forgot. No big deal. I found out later that he and Fat Eddie were drining on the highway the day before, and thought what they seen was road kill. They seen a big red blob, and when they pulled over to see if it was a dear, or a dog. They discovered it was a dead lady that must have been run over by a truck. All that was left of her body was the torso. Well they had to spend al night talking with the plice, and so Al was still home that morning explaing the horrific sight to his family, and friends.

  Finally we ened up talking on the phone a bit, and Al picked me up, we drove around looking for people to hang with. and generally did our routine trying to figure out what the hell to do. We ended up with a few people, and found out about a company gathering at one of our favorite destinations, at least one of us would get all of us in. When we showed up, there was already trouble brewing. A guy named Marshal was having an argument with a car load of black people. We can se from our car, that Marshal was drunk and in no shape to fight, but kept rumming his mouth off. We called him over to come with us, but before we knew it one of the black dudes pulled out a baseball bat. We had no choice but to leave before the cops showed up.

    We ended up going downtown. There was this bar called Miloes we were used to going in. That night it was crowded, so the bouncer wanted to card everyone. It was a casual dress code, but all I had on was an undershirt. We painted a tie on the front, but the bouncer didn't think that was funny, and asked us all to leave. It was on our way home that things got out of control.

    Here is where I left off from the beginning. As we were driving on the highway, we collided with another car. It was a bump, our cars must have been driving in the middle lanes, and crosse the line at the at the same time. Well that car followed us off the exit in what we thought was road rage. We had a car load of people, and they turned out to be two off duty cops.

    They followed us down Tuttle road, ironically their names were Tutlle. There was a fight between three of the people on our side, and the two Tuttle brothers that started it got the worst end of the fight. They never identified themselves as cops to us. They just started swinging as soon as they got out of theur car. Eventually we were all arested. One of our froends that was sitting next to the window of the patrol car was punched in his face by one of the cops. He gave Frank four staight arm fists to the face, and blood was squirting all aver the place.

 When we went to court, I was looking at five to eight for assult. I had nothing to do with the fight, but the got me too.

   The lawyer pulled a fast one. The two Tuttle brothers were known as troubled cops. Our lawyer asked the judge if each cop could come out one at a time and identify which preson threw the first punch. The first cop picked Frank. We were sitting in a row in front of the judge. Our lawyer then asked if he could switch our seating arrangement. He put me in Franks chair. When the second cop came out, and was asked the same question, which one threw the first punch. He pointed to the chair on the reight end where I was sitting instead of Frank. The judge ruled it a mistrial, and we were free to go. Amazing how cops can lie and think they can get away with it.

   You might think I am being corny, but I remember looking up, and praying if I get out of this one, I swear I'll never get into trouble again. Five to eight for doing nothing wasn't a joke to me. If you think about it. There are a lot of innocent people in jail. I wasn't planning on becoming one of them, not at tis point of my life. A lot of fear goes through a persons mind, especially when there seems to be no end, or losing hope.

    The next thing I knew, or before I knew it, it was summers end. A few of us from the neighborhood went on a road trip by car. At least it was the original plan. We ended up picking up another friend, Dave. This guy was a loner, but lived with an older gentleman which went by the name, "MOE", and had several other alias names he went by, but we all new him as Moe.

   

    We knew Dave through Moe. How exactly we met these two is still a mystery to this day.