WRITER'S BLOCK

A Story by Luke Logan

I’ve been attempting to write this story for…oh…sixteen years or so, and I just don’t know where to begin. I wish some chemist would create a pill for writer’s block; you know something like Text-Lax, or Word Softener.

“Ya gotta help me, Doc. I haven’t written a decent paragraph in a month!”

“Don’t worry, Son. Take two Word Softeners at bedtime, and when you wake up in the morning, the words will just flow out of you!”

“Doc. The medicine worked great. I wrote 57 novels in one night. In fact, I have the opposite problem now: I got the runs; one run-on sentence after another.”

“Not to worry, My Boy. I’ll write you a prescription for Litera-odium. Take three at bedtime, and when you wake up in the morning, you’ll be blocked.”

“How about Supposi-Stories, huh? Shove one up your a*s, and you’ll be writing short stories in twenty minutes!”

I’ve tried booze, but I got drunk, and I woke up naked outside of a Taco Bell at 2 AM with a pounding headache; then I tried smoking pot, and I just stood staring inside the refrigerator for eight hours. I don’t know what to do.

Once upon a trick knee, I was floundering condolingly through a thankless tavern of tattered tittering trinkets, when low and behold did I fondle a less than lingering litter of listless fulcrums. Much to my surprise, although less so than yours, no less, did I manage to mangle a miffed minstrel of mitered misfits and, by doing so, undulate an underlying utterance of untimely tangled triangular trestles.

Anyway, I’m getting off track now, but I really do have a great idea for an invention. You know how you go to the doctor with a bad pain in your stomach, and he or she says, “Oh, you’re fine. Just take two Tylenol and lay off the pork and beans!” Well, those days are over because I’m going to invent the Pain Simulator. It works like this: wires to the Pain Simulator (PS) attach to two baseball caps; you put one of the caps on your head and the doc puts the other cap on his or her head. Then you turn on the PS, which amplifies your body pain 5000 times and forces the pain into the doc’s brain, causing them to piss their pants and knocking them unconscious. When they wake up, they write you a prescription for morphine.