Confusion, Confession

I'm just venting and letting out somethings that have happened over the last 4 or 5 months.

I don't know where to start. My life has been somewhat messed up for the last four or five months. Back in July I was arrested for reasons that I don't rightfully want to get into on here. Then I had to deal with court stuff and I still have more court things I have to take care of. I am living life to the fullist or at least trying to. I hurt many people which didn't help any friendships or relationships. I have gone through being scared to going through pain to going through even more pain. During the duration of the last five months I never thought that I would ever go through being arrested. I emailed a friend of mine who is a cop and asked if he and i could meet. When I told him what happened he had already known that I had been arrested because he saw my mug shot on the jail roster. I must say that was the scariest time I have ever experienced. I cried until early in the morning. I have gone through three houses in the last five months. I have currently been living with this guy for the last three weeks so I can watch his kids. That is where my confusion comes in. This guy is a good, kind guy but the thing is I don't know what is going on between him and I. We went from talking everyday to going out to me coming down here and watching the boys and then having him and I become distant from one another. I am so confused and when I tried talking to him about it I ended up losing it and swearing and yelling at him in front of the boys well at least the oldest who is only 2 years old and 4 months because he was still awake. I am scared of where my life is going. Since I have been around him I have drank alcohol and sadly enough I have also smoked cigerettes which I normally don't do. I am wanting to tell him how I feel but I'm somewhat scared to do that. Everything is some what messed up because even though the boys aren't mine I'm starting to fall in love with the boys. I was scared that was going to happen and it did. Since I was arrested I got a tattoo on my wrist that says hope in Japenese. Whenever I look at it I realize that I have given up on hope multiple times and now I'm going through a stage where I need that hope as much as I can get it. Over the last two years I have gone through stages where I would drink alcohol a lot, cut myself, wnat to self harm myself beyond cutting, want to runaway from home, gotten kicked out of my house, being pretty much told that I had to be gone by this date out of the hosue I was living in to being kicked out of my sisters  to living with my parents again. I have been laid off from two jobs and I quit one job which I highly regret doing because I wish I still worked there. To tell you the truth I ran from everyone back home, just so I could get away from everything and now I realize that was a mistake because I'm wanting to go home but I know I'll be back down where I'm at right now. The guy I have been living with has gotten on my nerves and he wants me to move in with him. I want to say no but there is a part of me that wants to say yes and I'm not sure why it does. I am struggling with the word Love and God. Love I don't seem to even know what it is anymore. I feel like it is a word that I don't want to know or want to learn what it means. What is the definition for the word love? To be in a relationship? The actual definition is this: a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person, a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection. That is what the dictionary says it is. But is love really that? For instance, my birth mom I don't know if I have love for her. She gave me up when I was just a newborn. Do I love her for that? What about God? What is that definition? The person you can sit, or knell or raise your hands up in the air and say "Praise the Lord" and pray to? Is that who God really is? No according to the dictionary and the Bible God is the one Supreme Being, the creator and ruler of the universe. Do I believe that he is that? I am not going to lie, I'm not rightfully sure what to believe right now. Sorry if I'm just rambling on but everythign that is being typed here today has been on my mind the last day after having a conversation with a friend of mine. During the last three weeks the only persons I pretty much talked to on the phone was my dad and my best friend Caitlynn. Besides them I was depressed, I wanted to cut myself but I didn't. Right now I even feel a little depressed and it sucks being depressed. I was texting my cousin back and forth because I had texted him saying that I loved him so much and that I missed my Uncle Dennis and our grandpa. My cousin replied, "We all miss them both very much but everything happens for a reason and we all gain from every even event even if we can't figure out what that is." That was part of the reason why I was depressed. When I got that text from my cousin I replied in a mad and frustrated way by saying this, "What did we gain out of it? We lost a uncle who shouldn't have died not yet anyways and a grandpa who taught me things and who i wanted to keep teaching me." I'm going to close for right now but I will continue on with this one in a different piece. Sorry again if I just rambled and if it was confusing.

Reviews

[jumbie's #1 fan]

hey girl, let me know if you need anything. I will say, you've been going through a lot of crap, but you definitely need to hold on to that hope. It was good that you got the tattoo. you really need to figure out what you want and need from life. take a step back and make a list of things you desire for in your life, no matter how unattainable they may seem. as for love, don't awaken it before it is ready, the right one will come along when you least expect it. and as for God, try praying about it. ask God to show you that he's real. i definitely can understand all the doubts you have about Him, being as I wasn't a Christian my whole life. I've been stuggling with God these last couple years due to a depression and falling in love with someone who tore my life apart. it's hard, i know, but I'll leave you with one thing that my youth pastor had said during a service: "One day, you won't be dealing with what you are today. It may take a week, a year, or even ten years, but it will happen. Til then, put your faith in God and you will never collapse"