The Night

Ever have deja vu?

I awoke suddenly. The clock blinked bright red numbers at me: 1:30 A.M.  I sat up and looked around the room, trying to figure out what had awakened me.  As I sat there, I heard a noise from downstairs.  I quietly got out of bed and carefully walked down the hall.  I came to the top of the stairs and peered into the darkness, trying to see what had made the noise.  Seeing nothing, I decided to go back to bed.  Just as I was beginning to fall asleep again, I heard the noise again.  It definitely was not a sound I had heard before, and this time I was going to find out what it was.  I walked down the hall once again and came to the stairs.  I carefully descended, trying to imagine what it was that kept waking me up.  Once I reached the bottom of the staircase, I looked into the kitchen.  I was walking through the dining room when I heard something in the living room.  I peeked around the corner into the living room, but I couldn't see anything unusual.  As I stood there, I felt as if I was being watched.  I spun around quickly, catching a glimpse of something moving swiftly.  I tried to follow it with my eyes, but I lost track of it.  My heart started racing and I began to feel uneasy.  I headed back to the kitchen, trying to see what it was that had moved by so fast.  As I walked through the kitchen, I saw it again, for a brief moment.  Then a large, dark shape jumped straight at me from the depths of the shadows.  Everything went dark and I fell to the floor.

I awoke suddenly back in my bed.  I pinched myself, bringing a stinging pain to my hand.  I guess it was just a dream, I thought to myself.  Then I heard it.  A strange clattering sound from downstairs.  I thought it was just a coincidence that I had just had a dream about going downstairs, so I got up and looked down the stairs.  Nothing.  So I walked back to bed and tried to fall asleep.  Just as I was beginning to doze, I heard the noise again.  This time I knew I wasn't dreaming.  I jumped out of bed and rushed down the hall.  I leaned over the banister and looked into the darkness below.  I thought I saw something move in the shadows, but it was so fast that I thought it was a trick of the eye.  I started feeling ill at ease, nervous.  I rushed back to my room and grabbed a flashlight, then headed for the stairs.  As I hurried down the stairs, I swung the flashlight around, scattering the beams all over the kitchen and dining room.  A dark figure flashed across the doorway to the living room, illuminated by the beam for only a fraction of a second.  I focused the light into the doorway and crept slowly through it, looking around carefully.  I heard a sound behind me and turned quickly.  As I spun around, looking for the source of the sound, a large figure jumped at me from the shadows.  I managed to catch a glimpse of it for a brief moment before everything went black and I fell down.

I awoke with a start again.  I looked around my room in a state of confusion, wondering what was happening.  I pinched myself, it hurt again.  So I knew I wasn't dreaming, but now I was wondering what was going on.  What was this dark figure that I kept seeing?  I grabbed a flashlight and bo staff out of my closet from my Karate days.  I rushed down the stairs and looked around, sweeping the beam across the rooms.  I caught sight of the strange figure, dashing across the illuminated areas of the room, so fast that I could barely make out it's shape.  I hurried toward the spot I had just seen it.  As I did, I heard a sound to my right.  I jerked to the right, but saw nothing.  I heard it again, directly behind me.  I spun and caught sight of the creature as it jumped at me.  I swung the staff at it as hard as I could, catching it squarely on the side of the head.  The figure dropped to the floor.  I shone the light on it and staggered back in surprise.  The figure was me.  Same face, height, even the clothes it was wearing were the same as what I had been wearing earlier that day.  My worst nightmare was myself, only I could know my darkest fears and deeds.  A man's worst enemy is himself, he is fighting against his own flesh.  The flesh and the mind are at odds with one another, the mind knows what is right and wrong, and the flesh only desires what feels good.  This was a war I was fighting against my own flesh, in my own mind.  Everything started to go dark again.

I woke up again, in my bed, to the sound of my alarm clock.  It was 7:00 A.M.  I thought over the dream I had that night, realizing the truth in it and resolved to win the fight between my mind and flesh.  

Author's Note

This is my second short story. Hope you enjoyed it! Feedback and constructive criticism are welcome.

Reviews

[Emily]

This was a good suspense story. The message at the end was a very interesting twist, especially as you gave no foreshadowing whatsoever to hint who was this fantastical creature. However, your sentence structuring and how you phrase certain things could use some work.

For example, I think you could do without the first paragraph. That is unnecessary information that takes the reader's focus away from the message you're trying to send, and not in a good way. Sometimes, diverting the reader's attention is exactly what a writer should do, but in this situation I think it could do without.

The second paragraph starts off with, "I awoke suddenly and looked at the clock." This is a fine sentence. But because this is a suspense story, I have a suggestion: "I awoke suddenly. The clock blinked bright red numbers at me: 1:30 A.M." So, I shortened the first sentence to help give the feeling of abruptness that one feels when awaking suddenly. This helps jerk the reader, as if the reader him/herself were the character (especially since it's in first-person). Bright red numbers gives the visual, the only visual so far, to help shape the darkness. As the audience, we know the narrator is sleeping so its dark, and we have all felt the suddenness in waking up - some clocks are green and some are blue, but having red numbers in a dark room adds a sinister feel.

If you were to take out the first paragraph, you'd need to do some other editing such as taking out the sentence about the dishwasher in the second paragraph, since it's only mentioned in the first. You use a lot of mundane adjectives, and you become repetitive with them as well. You use the word "suddenly" to describe the narrator waking up at the beginning of two different paragraphs. Because it's used in the same way at the same place, the audience notices it as they are reading - this draws unwanted attention to the style in which you're writing instead of the content which is what is important. It also draws unwanted attention for any future adjectives you use more than once in your story. One word that stuck out to me was "uneasy". I'm not sure how many times you used it, but I did notice it being used more than once. As a writer, you want to try and avoid those kinds of discrepancies so that your audience doesn't look for those.

Granted, I was specifically looking for that kind of thing so I could give you a constructive review. I really do love the content of your story; the build up was good, it was suspenseful, and the plot twist at the end really knocked a home run in the story line. Please keep up the good work!

[Jeremy Hiles]

Thank you very much for your review! I will definitely make some changes to the story, and really appreciate the suggestions. This was my first short story ever, and so I will be the first to say that my writing style was not crisp on this one, but I think your suggestions will definitely make it come to life and make it that much better! I will look for other words to replace the more commonly used adjectives. Thanks again for your constructive review!

[~*~Peace Keeper~*~]

xD Wow, I was on the edge of my seat the whole time, I really like your style of writing. You are very descriptive, I can see everything playing out in my minds eye. Now I hope I can sleep tonight lol. I really like your message with this short story. I didn't see the ending coming so it caught me a little by surprise, but I like how you tied in the meaning. We do fight our flesh and mind daily, and at times it is a tiresome battle, like you depicted in the story. It happens over and over again, but thankfully God is there to help us overcome our battles. I really do think our worst enemy is ourselves, because we tend to either dwell in the past or temptation of any sort takes a hold of us. Humans are weak so it is easy to become bothered by our thoughts and desires, at least that is how I see it. I am very thankful that we do not need to be prisoners to ourselves though, we can be completely set free to become a new creation, and that is my desire. I did notice some things you might want to change. When you say "I carefully descended them" I think it would sound better if you just deleted the word "them" because the reader knows it is the stairs you are talking about, at least that is how I see it lol Also I think "I saw something move in the black," sounds a little off, I know what you were trying to do, you didn't want to use darkness too close together, maybe think of rewording it in some way to make it sound smoother? That is just a suggestion. Other than that this was very well written, it caught my interest and held it until the very end. Can't wait to read some more of your writing!

Great Job

[Jeremy Hiles]

Thank you very much for your suggestions! I am glad you enjoyed it! And I am glad you got so much out of it and read into the meaning behind it! I will make some changes that you mentioned and see how it works! Thanks again!

[~*~Peace Keeper~*~]

^^ You're welcome, after reading the story I read a comment that you wrote this from being inspired from a couple scriptures, you were very creative in how you used those messages.

[Jeremy Hiles]

Yes, those scriptures gave me the idea for the topic of the story! Thank you, it might seem cliche', but I feel like the ideas and creativity for the story came from God! :)

[~*~Peace Keeper~*~]

No, I often say the same thing about my poems. ^^ You're welcome.

[Jeremy Hiles]

Well that's good to know! Thank you!

[~*~Peace Keeper~*~]

^^ Yep, no problem.

[Kimberly Miller]

Really good! The way you presented the whole idea and brought it into new light is very unique and exciting!

[Jeremy Hiles]

Thank you! I am glad you liked it! The idea came to me after reading in Psalm 13:2 and Galatians 5:17 where they talk about wrestling with the mind and flesh against each other, and thought it would be a good idea for a short story! Thank you for your review!