woke up at six o’ clock in the morning that
day. I wasn’t really excited to go to school. I was just excited to see my
friends. There was this feeling that I won’t have fun today. I was being scared
going to school but I have to.
Before I got up, I first stared at the
ceiling while still lying on my bed. Then I got up, went to the bathroom and
took a bath. As I finished, I let my hair dry then chose clothes to wear. Since
it’s kind of cold today, I chose to wear my green hooded long sleeve and paired
it with jeans and a high heeled stiletto that I gave myself during my last
birthday.
I heard my mom call me. She told me
she’ll give me a ride to school. I fixed myself put some eyeliner on my eyes
and lip gloss on my lip so I’ll look good. I immediately went down to have some
breakfast and then went straight to the car with my mother then she drove me to
school.
Eh . . . I'm sorry but I fail to find this grabbing. My guess is you have little experiance 'hooking' people inot your work (apart from poetry, but that's usually pretty easy).
Tell me why I should be interested in the life of this normal girl. Grab my attention and drag me head over heels into the story itself! Grab my heart by the veins and rip it clean out; make me fall over dead from the suspense and emotional turmoil of the tale of this poor girl!!!
It's an overall good write, but there is one reason why I rarely read stories: I fail to get hooked into them. Of course, I also have a short attention span. :P
When I read a story, I look at the very beginning for something to just jump out and surprise me or hook me in. I'm not sure how that would work with this story.
On another note, this was well written and it is a good preface. Perhaps I will look into the rest. :)
"called" to "call" "stare" to "stared" and put a ; or a , after "with my mother"
and you seem to be switching between past and present tense throughout, otherwise, not too bad.
i'm a 16 year old girl from the Philippines who was influenced by my classmates to write stories and poems. I'm a "not so popular" in my new school but got great and loving and trustworthy friends to .. more..