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A short (sort of) story i have been working on, would like to take the story further but I'm kinda of stalled on a direction of where to take it. Any advice would be great.

My story begins on October 23, a brisk autumn evening, as I made my way through the mountains of northern Georgia. I was on my way back home from a business trip. Why I chose the mountains instead of the interstate I’ll never know. Maybe it was the peace and serenity of being the only car of the road or the beauty of the changing leaves. The drive its self was full of twists, turns and half rotten buildings long since abandoned. I came to an old gas station, it must’ve been from the sixties, it was still standing but just barely. I parked in next to the old rusty pumps to take a piss and make a phone call. Of course I had no service; hell there I couldn’t even find a radio station to listen to. By now the sun had set and darkness began to settle around me. I got back in the car and was on my way. The gas station was at the very top of a mountain, maybe the tallest mountain around; you couldn’t beat the view of the valley spread out in front of me.  I made my way down the steep drop, my ears were full popping from the pressure change. As I navigated the twists and turns, I kind of lost myself in my surroundings and before long I was headed up the next mountain. As I played with the radio dial hoping for something, anything to listen to through the static “ I’m so lonesome I could cry”  began to play. I Looked up at the road just in time to see something dart into the road. A figure, maybe a person maybe an animal, I didn’t have time to take it all in before my car died, not a sputtering stop, no, everything shut off, the engine, the lights everything aside from the radio.

 The car was still rolling, I hit the E brake and slammed it into park. The static filled radio continued to play the slow sad song. I hit the power button and the music ceased. I wasn’t sure what to do next, pop the hood or turn the key. First I tried the ignition, the motor didn’t even attempt to turn over. I looked around, outside the vehicle it was pitch black, a moonless cloudy night without even a star in the sky. I opened the glove box and got out my small maglight. I took a look under the hood checked the battery connections which were fine. I had no idea what else may be the problem. I slammed the hood angrily and pulled out my phone. Useless of course no bars. I considered hitting the emergency call button, but did I really need 911? Instead I sat back down in the drivers seat to gather my thoughts. As I sat with the door open I could head the wind wind rustle through the leaves. At least I thought it was the wind. The closer I listened the less it sounded like wind and the more it sounded like footsteps. Just and animal I figured. After a while I decided to take my small flashlight and try to find civilization. I considered waiting for a car but I hadn’t seen on in hours. I was atop the next mountain I had come to and I was almost certain I had cell service about 4 miles back so I headed back down into the valley. As I followed the worn road lines with only my thoughts for company I kicked rocks and sticks out of the way to vent some anger. Once again I could hear something rustle in the leaves. The leaf rustling turned the thud of steps on pavement. I jerked my flashlight up just in time to think I saw something ahead of me. My heart was pounding, I was angry and I chocked this one up to a trick of the mind. About halfway down the mountain I looked ahead and at what I figured must be the top of the other mountain I could make out the faint glow of a light in the distance. Maybe this place wasn’t so abandoned after all.

 As I continued on my way I kept my eyes ahead of me watching the light up the mountain sway back and forth as I took step after step. There is NO way someone is walking down this mountain towards me I just couldn’t accept it. Maybe its a motorcycle and someone has stopped at the old gas station. Either way I was becoming a little more optimistic about my situation. Regardless of the optimism the light gave me the creeps. Who wouldn’t be freaked out being in the middle of nowhere and suddenly a light appears. I decided to keep my eyes on my more immediate surroundings. There wasn’t much to see except road, trees and more road. After about ten minutes I looked up again. The faint glow was now a bright light, certainly not a headlight though, more like a flashlight. At this point I was starting to get a little freaked out, the urge to run back to my car entered my mind. Instead I decided to yell and see if I got a response. “Hey” I screamed. Every hair on my body stood up when I heard what may have just been an echo off of the empty mountains “Hey”.  I stopped dead in my tracks to see what the stranger ahead did. The slow movement of the light ahead ceased. Once again I had to take a second to gather my thoughts. What the f**k was going on here. I raised my arms, light in my left hand. The light ahead rose as well almost instantly. I yelled again, this time all I managed was a nervous sound something close to “hello”. It wasn’t loud enough to get an echo this time, or at least I didn’t think so. I was almost certain my ears picked up a slight return though.

This is silly I thought what am I scared of just keep going and see what the person wants. So I mustered my courage and continued forward, as did the stranger. By now I was about 60 yards from the center of the valley and the light was very plain. It was a flashlight of that I was certain. I squinted my eyes trying to make out more but I wasn’t quite close enough. Suddenly only a few feet behind me the leaves were rustled once again by the whistling wind, I nearly s**t myself. I started walking forward a little faster, I was almost to the stranger and I could make out a figure behind the light but just barley. 40 yards now. By the stride I guessed it was a man. 30 yards. I could hear the footsteps. 20 yards. I could hear my own heartbeat more than anything. I stopped. The light ahead stop. “hey” I said, no echo though, more like my own voice back at me in sync with my own. What to do now I wondered. I waited to see if the stranger made a move. Nothing. “Well, Nothing to say?” once again my words were met with an errie mocking of my own .  The 20 yards between didn’t give me much of a feeling of security. It was almost as if the air around me took on my own nervous feeling. As my heart continued to pound I stood staring back at the stranger ahead. A Mexican standoff I though in my mind, had it been any other time I might’ve cracked a smile at my own witty joke. Suddenly I had an idea. I began to walk backwards. I couldn’t believe my eyes. The b*****d in front of me, like he read my mind, matched me step for step.

They say curiosity killed the cat, I wish someone had reminded me of that. I suppose my fight or flight instinct kicked in because I began walking back forward ready to face this head on. 10 yards now and figure was practically plain but I couldn’t believe what I saw. This guy could’ve been my twin. 5 yards. I think he IS my twin. I stop. The light on his face wasn’t plain enough to make out the facial features but his stature was identical to mine. We stood silently in front of each other for what seemed like an eternity. Finally I raised my flashlight to get a better look, but I ended up with a light in my face unable to see anything. I lowered my light and took a few steps forward. We were only a few feet apart now. As I inched forward so did he. The confusion of the situation stopped me from thinking straight or id have simply ran. I wish I would’ve. As we inched towards each other the thud of my heart could’ve been the bass drum on a metallica track. I raised my arm, as did he. I was starting to get pissed. There were no times for words, besides the lump in my throat wouldn’t let me talk anyway. As fear turned into anger and I felt the heat surge through my body I swung my fist. It was met with the strangers fist. Our hands met, but I felt nothing. It was like I hit a wall. I swung again, with the same results. I don’t have words to describe the emotion that followed. I rushed the stranger. Face to face, what I saw was nearly indescribable. As my light flashed across the figure in front of me, just as my were hit by his light I realized I was looking at myself. I couldn’t touch he/it in front of me though although mere millimeters must have separated us. As I looked him in the eyes, the face began to morph into something sisnister, something that must be the very representation of evil. I threw my light as far away as I could so I didn’t have to see it. An evil laugh broke the air a deep rough voice laughing like a child enjoying its favorite toy. I was unable to move. Whatever wall had been between us the being had reached through.  It wraped what were not cold long fingers around me. The chilling cold ran through my body as two beady red eyes inched closer to mine. A sharp physical pain overtook my body, a cold so deep in my bones I felt like I might break into pieces. This was no comparison to the mental pain. Im not sure how to explain real mental pain to you, nothing earthly can cause this. As those beady ready eyes stared into mine I felt like my soul, my life force, my happiness everything I was was being taken out of  me. I fainted.

 

                It wasn’t long before I woke up. Just in time to see myself walk away from the withered mangled body that I had become. As I lay in the middle of the road, straining to move even a muscle i screamed but nothing came out. Before long my now possessed body had disappeared. I lay in the same spot for hours looking up at the dark, blank sky. Eventually I heard the same rustle of leaves that had haunted me throughout this entire nightmare. This time I was able to see the culprit; two figures emerged from the woods. They were dressed in dark leather with hoods that hid their faces, save their beady red eyes. I could hear their whispers like wind whipping through the trees as the came closer. They stopped short of my body and looked down examining me with the piercing gaze. One of them knelt down and reached towards my face. I made an attempt to jerk away, but on accomplished a spastic movement of my lips. The later of the two let out an excited squeal the instant the boney fingers touched me. They exchanged a few more windy words and one of them silently disappeared into nothing. The other, seemingly cautious, circled around me until it stood at my shoulders. I could only follow the creature with my eyes. Before reaching out to touch me it pulled strange cloth from somewhere on his person. The malevolent creature placed his hands, which I realized weren’t just boney but was actually bones, inside of the cloth gloves. Once he seemed assured his hands were snugly in the gloves he reached down and grabbed each of my shoulders. Once again my attempts to escape were entirely fruitless, although I was almost sure id move a muscle somewhere in my arm. I tried again to move but before I could, this creature holding me let out a piercing scream and raised its head high. Wings, huge black wings emerged from the creatures back and with a single movement the leathery wings raised the creature and I into the air. I could feel something emanating from my captor. Wether it was some supernatural presence or the force of pure evil I wasn’t sure but I was sure that that same force had my entire body held prisoner from my will to move.

                I will take a second to explain to you what I saw as I was taken into the air. My head hung limply on my chest. Although it was practically pitch black outside, I could just make out my limbs hanging limply. They weren’t entire limbs only frayed portions of what should be there. My own fingers, the ones that were left, matched the bone digits gripping my shoulders. I no longer had cloths on, I was totally naked. My legs were covered with trails of blood from my thighs to my knees, I couldn’t see any further. I tried not to concentrate on this, so I made efforts to sling the weight of my head from side to look around. It didn’t take long to realize I was no longer in Northern Georgia, or northern anywhere I had ever seen for that matter. Imagine a wasteland, something like the realm of Sauron in Lord of the Rings. Fires burning here and there, desolate patches of land all around with the occasional dead forest here and there. I was disappointed, I had hoped for a sunrise that would in the least expose the beauty I had been taking in the day before. Although the sun would eventually rise it would only bring me down to have no choice but see the hell I was in. Hell, maybe that’s where I was, maybe I had died and I was off to meet the devil himself. It didn’t take long to determine that wasn’t the case, at least not for the time being.

                The spindly fingers holding me suddenly let go. I was in free fall. I didn’t fall as fast as I expected, I seemed fairly weightless for a body in the air. My slow descent to the ground ended with a beautiful blue pond coming into view, getting larger and larger. I was doomed, how could I swim? As I got closer I this oasis of sorts became plain. It was as if someone had preserved a mile wide piece of land in the middle of hell completely with green grass and luscious trees. I hit the ground with a thud.

                Before long some of my strength returned, but not my physical features. My fingers were still mostly bones and as were my legs. I was only a few feet from the lake I had seen from above, only it was now a large lake. What I had though was a small piece of land stretched as far as I could see. Happiness overwhelmed me, so much that I almost forgot the state I was in. I started to stand, to run to the water but as soon as I did I started to raise myself my arms gave out. Instead I crawled forward to the water. It was still dark, but  the sun had started to rise where I was. I was afraid I was going to wake up back in the clutches of my red eyed captor, but I splashed some water on my face anyway. I expected to feel the cool sensation of water on my skin, unfortunately I felt my  face againsn’t what was left of my hands. It felt grotesque it was half bone half skin like the rest of my body. I guess I shouldn’t have expected anything different. I inched my face over the water, ready to confront the reflection of my destroyed face but before I could something rushed out of the water in front of me. I jumped back, pain rushing through my body. I landed on my back and looked up at the figure that had emerged.

                Above the water, a woman floated just inches off the surface. “enjoying my water?” she asked. Before I could respond she moved towards me, in an instant she was face to face with me.

“my my what are you? Your not one of those winged demons and you aren’t certainly aren’t one of us.”

“one of yo-“ i began to ask but she cut me off. “You look like you could use some fixing up, how are you even alive.” She reached out to touch me, as soon as her soft hand touched my cheek she jerked away. “you poor thing, you’ve been robbed of your life on the other side haven’t you?” I explained to her the story of what had happened, as I did I studied her features. She was beautiful, a perfect complexion complimented with beautiful, caring eyes that made me feel better as I looked into them. She reminded me of a beautiful Native American woman  only with fair skin, blonde hair and blue eyes. “I can’t touch you without causing us both a great deal of pain” she explained “you still have a hold on your life force, which is a good thing. Without taking action quickly though you will continue to wither away into nothing. You’re lucky to have landed here. This is where you on the other side come to dream, it’s the closest you can be to home without being there. Unfortunately that’s all I know, stay here and ill bring back someone who may be able to help.” With that she was gone, just like the creatures from before, just disappeared into nothing.

For me it seemed like I waited forever. I lay there watching the sun rise, and for the first time in a while I took the time to make an attempt to relax. Lying back looking up at the sky which now was filled with rays of sun, and even a few birds. It was like I had forgotten everything I saw before I landed here, maybe I was dreaming. I lay my head on the soft grass, and let my eyes close slowly. My left eyelid was torn I could feel the air on my exposed eyeball, but it didn’t prevent me from drifting off into sleep.

The sounds around me were familiar. Worse than nails on a chalkboard, it made my blood run cold. I knew this sound; it was that rough deep laugh that signified the nightmare I was in. This time I didn’t faint, I was forced to listen to the cackling continue growing louder and more intense. I had the sensation I was dreaming, but it was so real. I was back in my own body, complete with all my limbs and skin. I was looking at my living room; it was thanksgiving the cowboys and redskins were playing on TV. I stood above the lifeless bodies of my sister and father laughing away, that horrible evil laugh. I tried to kneel down with everything in me, to hold them in my arms. I feel a sense of nervousness pour over me, I stop and look around the living room. Before I can take in anymore, I bolt awake.

I sit straight up, but I’m no longer in the middle of a beautiful green meadow. I’m sitting in the middle of a dark clearing with nothing around me but dead trees. The sky above me is gray but not dark. A faint glow provides me with ability to see about 20 feet around me. Depression overtakes me instantly. As I sit in the dark lifeless dirt I examine myself, and to my surprise my limbs are surprisingly intact. My bones are no longer exposed, but my naked body is riddled with lacerations. I start to rise to my feet, I remember my previous attempt, I rise slowly careful to distribute my weight lightly. Once im standing I stumble quickly from left to right before I even attempt to take a step. I stumble my way to the nearest dead tree which is barely able to support my weight its self. The excruciating pain forces my breathing to be labored, each breath sending a sting through my chest. Before I have time to rest very long on the tree, I spot a pair of beady red eyes in the distance.

Not again I thought. The hideous creature has returned to pick up its fallen prey. As the eyes near me, once again I feel the heat of anger surge through my body. Adrenaline overtakes me, I forget the pain and I stand on my own. The creature rushes at me and for the first time I get a good look at it. The beady red eyes are housed in sunken eye sockets on either side of a large nose that reminds me of a bird’s beak. Below the nose, a large mouth forming a sly grin with half rotten teeth of various shapes and sizes exposed. As he reaches me, I allow myself to fall back on to the tree that had supported me. The tree trunk snaps instantly, but I’m able to maintain my footing. I turn as quickly as I can to see the creature shaking off a face full of dirt. A grin comes across my face and for the first time I feel confident. Before I can enjoy my success I am rushed again, this time I am unable to dodge. It doesn’t matter, only two glove covered hands reach to touch me, I grab them and pull the creature towards me, we are face to face I smell the foul odor I figure must be his breath. I meet my opponent with a knee to abdomen. Pain rushes through my leg as we both tumble to the ground. The creature shrieks and rolls away; flapping out the large leathery wings I’d seen before. I can no long support my weight; I fall onto my back as I watch the creature rise into the air. The ascent continues until it is 15 feet above me looking down at me with the same hideous grin, the wind of each wing flap stirring up the heavy dust around me. Suddenly with a change of weight and a flap of the wings the creature was rushing at me head on. I had already determined his next move, to reach down for my as he glided just above me. To avoid this I prepared to use my legs to kick the creature in his chest, just as his arms were above me I did. To my surprise the creature never reached for me with his hands. Instead he grabbed me with his feet, which for the first time I realized were claws. I jerked my legs down quickly but it was no use one of the claws wrapped around my left ankle and once again I was raised into the air. Obviously the creatures claws were protected the same as its hands because I felt no pain this time. As my head drug across the ground I made my best effort to find a way to escape. First I tried to raise myself far enough to grab the creature, touch it anywhere. I swung my weight back and forth, the creature took notice instantly. The beady red eyes were on me in an instant, the creature only laughed at my feeble attempts.

For a moment I hang limply watching the trees fly by under me, then I begin to laugh. This didn’t go over well with my friend. His eyes burned brightly, like a raging fire, I could almost feel the heat off of them. With one swift move I was tossed into the air and two boney hands were reaching for me. Flying at 50 feet above the ground, I didn’t feel like escape was my best option so I allowed him to grab me but not before jerking a glove off of one of his hands. Our descent begins instantly. The creature dug deep into my collar bone with one hand, while keeping the other as far from me as possible. Certainly wise I thought to myself. I cover my left hand with the glove and prepare to hit the ground. It doesn’t take long, I’m tossed to the ground and my adversary rises above me. I am dive bombed once again; head on the creature plummets towards me. I watch him, timing my move as best I can. Just before he reaches me I dive to the ground and combat roll forward. The claws miss me by inches and the creature is rising once again. Aside from the flapping of wings, things are silent. Suddenly the silence is broken by a loud whistling sound; a flash of bright light exposes my surrounding. The source of the light strikes the flying creature dead in the chest, a short squeal and the creature plummets to the ground with a thud.

For a few minutes there isn’t a sight or sound around me other than my own breathing. I maintain a cautious stance, ready for those red eyes to reveal themselves once again. I try to search the darkness for evidence of any life but it’s far too dark. It takes a while, but eventually I convince myself I’m safe enough to take a breather. Being naked, aside from my new glove, was horrible. I attempt to sit but the dirt was no kind of seat for a bare a*s. I stand in one spot, examining the glove. The cloth is thin, smooth and almost weightless. As I squeeze it between my fingers I feel the temperature change, any part not touching my body is very warm. The instant I squeeze any portion though it begins to cool. Once again, they say curiosity killed the cat and for the sake of my nose I wish I’d remembered this. I place the cloth against my nose and sniff. The smell is repulsive, the stomach churning scent of something rotten mixed with the nostril burning intensity of a skunk. I begin to cough, violently; I hit my knees as I gag. A bright light exposes my surroundings once again.

I stand immediately, unsure of where to look first, the light surrounds me from all directions. Eventually I determine it must be coming from somewhere to my left, I assume my defensive posture. Moving quickly reminds me of the pain my body is in, ever muscle in my body is tight. The light grows brighter, almost blinding, I shield my eyes and back away. “Having trouble seeing?” I hear a voice ask from somewhere in the light. I don’t feel like joking, especially not at a time like this, I remain silent. The light instantly dims to a weak glow, a mag-light. “Here is this more to your liking?” I am questioned once again. Before I answer I take a look at the person in front of me. A man who is pure muscle, with black hair down to his shoulders clothed in only tight fitting leather pants. I was sure glad he didn’t seem to want to fight, he may have broken me in half.

“Yeah that’s a little better. “ I respond “are you here to tell me you’ll be right back to help too?”

“ I am the help.” He responds with a smile.

He approaches me, I am cautious but I don’t back down. “Your in quite the pickle aren’t ya.” He says still smiling at me. I still wasn’t sure what there was to smile about, once again I remain silent. “oh boy, your not a joker are you.” Little did he know my sense of humor was great. “You guys can come on out.” He says over his shoulder. Two figures emerge from somewhere in the darkness with their own personal mag-lights. While I’m watching this, the man in front of me points his mag-light skyward then drops it. Upon contact with the ground it begins to transform, becoming a small streetlight that extends 10 feet high. The two figures emerging from the woods are women, each equally as beautiful as the one I previously encountered. “Now you’re really in a pickle.” The still grinning man says. Anger surges through me once again; I give him a piercing gaze while I try to figure out what is so damn funny. It takes a moment, when I see one of the women’s eyes dart up and down my body, I remember I’m naked. My hands immediately cover my exposed genitals. This sends Fabio over the edge, he doubles over with laughter. At this point I realize that I am at least no longer in danger, these people have a sense of humor.

                “You know, you can crack a smile man.” He says “Like I said I am the help, and if you hadn’t fallen asleep you would still be in that beautiful meadow Alexis calls home”

                I let myself smile, it kind of feels good. “thanks, I’m guessing you took out that umm thing.” I say pointing into the darkness.

                “No sir I did not, you should be thanking Cestia she’s quite the shot eh”

One of the girls makes eye contact with me only for a moment. She is slim, with brown hair far past her shoulders and beautiful blue eyes. I decided its my turn to crack a joke, “I guess that depends on how far she shot from” I say with a grin.  The guy laughs, but the girl doesn’t. She tosses her mag-light into the air where it transforms into a solid white bow. She catches it, each move flawless and obviously well practiced. The bow is drawn in an instant, a flash of light whizzes through the air about 10 feet from me. Hands still covering myself, I turn just in time to see the glowing arrow make contact with a dead tree about 300 yards away. The tree splinters into a million pieces, the arrow continues to fly. The light from the arrow reveals two glowing red eyes and a figure crawling across the ground. The creature turns just in time to watch the arrow hit it square in the face. I am awestruck, silent. 

Author's Note

I'm sure you can find a few typos, errors and i feel that first person may not be my style of writing. I am very new to writing stories though. As i hope you can tell, i have plenty of ideas and am fairly well at painting a descriptive picture but any advice or criticism is welcome

Reviews

[char]

Well, this story was kind of strange. And new for me, I usually read and write thrillers. As for the first person, it seems forced. It might sound better in third person. But that's just me. So, if you like the way it is, by all means, leave it. It's a bit long, but good nonetheless. Is this part of a longer series or is just a one-shot? Anyways, good read. :D

[jgraham]

well i had a million ideas in my head a the time i started writing it but i just don't have a place for it to go. I really want to write a story about an alternate world, somewhere that things are just different than here. I think this may be too dark for what I'm going for. I'm a huge fan of Chornicles of narnia, LOTR and things like that. I don't want to copy that style though, I'd prefer somewhere between Alice in wonderland and The gunslinger by stephen king. Some strange, colorful and mysterious with something action packed and adventurous on the more serious side.

[jgraham]

thanks for the input though, i appreciate it

[char]

You're welcome. Good luck finding your writing style. That part sucks :D As for all the thoughts crowding your mind, try to write them down. And toss the ones that don't work. That way you won't have to cram them all into one story. Clean up that clutter :)

[A. H. Pinley]

Give us more of what your sensory glands are telling you and talk to yourself, out loud. Bring us the reader into these experience with you.