pig dog

PIGDOG.

It was around 1 in the morning on a friday night outside a club we had been drinking in. I was arguing with my girlfriend.

We had met a year before in a cloak room, both of us sober and about to collect our jackets. I was walking down the stairs towards the toilets on my way to get my coat when we caught each others eyes. I thought she was beautiful and stood behind her as she handed the girl a ticket with a number on it and pointed out which one was hers. I could smell her perfume and her hair. My stomach was in knots. I wanted her to turn around.

“ Its not too good here really.” I said.

The ticket girl looked at me like I was a loser. I probably was, probably still am. I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me?

“Its okay, just all my friends are a bit drunk and I'm a bit tired so I thought I'd go.” she replied.

Now. I am not, and especially back then, was not good at talking to women. I always felt too stupid and poor. So what I said next surprised me,

“do you want to drink with me?”

She said yes.

She was beautiful, the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. She had tiny freckles layered across her nose and the tops of her cheeks like dark stars in a daylight sky. Big lips and the biggest green eyes I've known. We drank and danced until the place closed. She was wearing a blue sequin top. We saw each other everyday after that night. Baby blue I kept thinking, i'm going to right you a song.

I cant remember what the argument was about but it was serious. Maybe I was being jealous or trying to fight everyone inside, either way it was more than likely my fault. We were in a wide, dead end alley way between two buildings, meant for truck access to deliver goods to the shops and restaurants either side. She was wearing a red summer dress with matching lips and stilettos, I remember the shoes because at one point she took them off and hurled them at my head. She missed. We were really yelling at each other, really getting into it, when I heard a guy shouting something indecipherable but aggressive at us. Naturally I replied in the same way. I turned around to face these two guys at the end of the alley on the road and shouted.

Straight away me and one of the guys, the one that shouted in the first place, locked in and ran for each other like duelling goats. I was angry and I wanted to fight.

As I ran closer to him I knew I was fucked. He was a monster, a pig, his friend wasn't running though so at least there was that. He nailed me to the concrete with a tackle and took the wind right out of me. Thud. On the floor I managed to keep him from getting to my chin by punching him repeatedly as hard as I could in the top of the head. He was, though, slugging into my stomach. I took a second to look around and yell to my girlfriend to leave and get out of there but she was already gone, which was good. Then, I felt an excruciating pain on my left rib cage, I screamed and when I looked down I was faced with something brutal and confusing.

He was biting into me. Whole heartedly biting into me. I was lying on my back with a pig biting into me. I grabbed his fat head with both hands trying to pull him off of me but he wouldn't budge, like when a dog locks its jaw. I saw her shoes, her beautiful shoes. I reached out, grabbed one and planted the heel into the top of pigdog's head. That loosened his grip.

That moment about 6 skater dudes turned up and pulled him off me. They could see what I had done to him because he had blood all over his face. He was back on his feet snarling at me through the crowd. They were saying things to him like “leave it”and things to me like “what have you done?”. I thought f**k you guys. They told me to run and I did. Turns out the last guy he had a fight with was still in hospital.

I got around the corner and had a look at it. He had taken a chunk, a good chunk, of my flesh out with his teeth. I still have a prominent scar on my chest.

I wondered where my girlfriend was. I didn't see her the next day, and I never wrote that song.

Reviews

[Aarontastic]

I feel like this story could be improved upon a lot.

For one thing, there are many small grammatical errors...I don't know if you were paying much consideration to that aspect of your story while you were writing it, but by simply proofreading it a bit first, you could make it look professional. They are mostly tiny mistakes: days of the week should be capitalized, "it's" is a contraction for "it is" while "its" is the possessive form of "it", I saw the word "right" in where the word "write" should have been, etc. As it is now, it seems like you wrote this in a bit of a hurry.

Speaking of that, the other more serious problem I noticed with your story was its tendency to rush through the action and plot scenes. Overall, there just isn't enough exposition to make the characters or the scenes in your story very interesting, imo. I feel like you need to add more to it.

For example, immediately before introducing the protagonist and describing his run-in with his girlfriend to-be, you're hastily addressing an argument at the beginning of the story. It's not that your idea of starting out in the present and then going into the past to describe the protagonist's first meeting with this girl was a bad thing; it's not. But I just think that it would be a lot more effective if you spent more time fleshing out each of the scenes before moving onto the next one. Right now, your story feels crammed together...there isn't even a space between the first sentences where you describe the argument (happening in the present) and the flashback to their first meeting (happening in the past); that just makes this feel rushed.

I would suggest doing this. Read over your story, line by line, and separate the different 'scenes' or action sequences with a space; then see if you can put at least two or three descriptive sentences that describe the environment, the characters, or whatever into every paragraph.

So if your 1st paragraph started with the opening sentence:

"It was around 1 in the morning on a friday night outside a club we had been drinking in. I was arguing with my girlfriend."

maybe add a couple more sentences to it and describe the atmosphere, how the characters were feeling at the time, *any* thing really. Doing that for each paragraph in your story would make it longer, but it would also pull readers into the story more.

Your description of the girl in the story is good, and the fight scene that made up the end of the story could be really good if you brushed it up a little. I liked the descriptions of the guys as "dueling goats" and pigs. Using more creative adjectives in your stories would help a lot, because those are pretty much a writer's best friend.

Last thing: you end the story with a line that mentions that the protagonist never did write that song for his gf. That ending could have more gravity if you went back earlier in the story and described what was going on in the guy's mind as he was thinking of writing her that song: what did it mean to him, what kind of song was it going to be, etc. The more significance you give that song, the better that your ending will sound.

Even if you don't feel like going back and working on this story, I think that using more creative adjectives in the future and remembering to describe things in more detail will improve your stories in the future.

[The-End]

i like the thought behind the story that was very creative. I myself love the story and good job !! :)

[Emerald Seas]

I sure hope this is fiction and not a creative non-fiction story. Wow, what a brawl! There are a few bumpy spots that slow the pace of the story, but otherwise a good tale to share.

[Coyote Poetry]

I had a few experience like in this story in my 15 years in the Army. I fought a few battles. I enjoyed this tale. You had my complete attention after "I'm a loser" was stated. I like the description of the girl and the description of the man he fought. Sort of a good ending. Sometime having the body in one piece is a honorable ending. No weakness in the amazing story.
Coyote

[xx]

It was an interesting story to read, a realistic account that might have very well happened.

There are a few missing apostrophes and a couple capitalization errors, but all in all, there were only minor errors. The story had flow, and, again, very realistic - and I especially liked how you separated your dialogue with paragraph breaks. Many writers forget that different characters' dialogue bits need to be separated, but I see you didn't! :)

Just one thing about dialogue - it's hard to explain in words, and it's easier to learn just by reading a few published fiction books and examining how they take care of dialogue, but in a nutshell, it's like this:

When writing sentences with both dialogue and narrative portions ("Dialogue dialogue dialogue," he said), there's a rule about punctuation usage. For instance, you had the sentence /“Its not too good here, really.” I said./ But in this case, replace the first period with a comma, since you're ending only the dialogue portion instead of the entire sentence, like this:

/"It's not too good here, really[,]" I said.

It might not make sense at first, but it's easy to get used to. On the other hand, if you're moving the narrative portion to the front or omitting it completely, it's fine to end the dialogue with a period, since you're ending the entire sentence at the same time:

I said, "It's not that good here, really."
OR
"It's not that good here, really." [New sentence here, move on with story].

And that's it! :) I'm aware that the explanation might not be that clear (I'm terrible at explaining), so you might find it easier to just crack open any old fiction book and check it out for yourself.

Just one more minor issue - many writers abide by a rule about numbers - if the number is less than a hundred, spell it out in word form ("six" instead of 6, "one" instead of 1).

In any case, you took care of the action in this story well, made it flowing and interesting to read. I enjoyed this work, so I hope you continue to write and upload more pieces, whether you specialize in prose or poetry or both. So keep writing! :)

-Mina

[R J Askew]

It wasn't Mike Tyson was it? And an alley usually is between two buildings. But I read to the end. Which says soemthing because i am trying to get out of the house for a run. I think the six lines referring back to a year ago were a bit of a road bump. And I wondered if anyone wld have time to look back mid-fight. But what do I know? I liked the idea of her wearing the red lips and I was taken with the red shoes as I erm, well ... y'know. This is not the place to confess one's fetishes perhaps. I like the notion of those shoes hurtling towards your head and then one of them spiking the Droogs bonce. It's a frantic start. London life right? Which makes me wonder where it all kicked off.