The OA

Original Artist

How uninspired I am today. I promised myself I would write everyday, so here I am writing about not writing, while I'm writing. Thinking out loud to myself, my fingers so effortlessly transcribe the words. It would be so amazing to make a living doing this. The more I fall in love with my creative self, the more I loathe (maybe that's not the right word...the less I appreciate?) my practical self. Not that I don't appreciate that part of myself (being practical is a priority for me), I think I just neglected my creative self for so long that I forgot how much of myself I lost. Being creative and lost in whatever, I love it. My own thoughts, feelings, being objective, critical. Appreciating how my mind works. 

Recently I've contemplated suicide. A lot. I even had "access to a plan" as we call it in the medical field. I tried reaching out to someone, they didn't respond. I scared myself. I wanted to turn my brain off. I was becoming too heavy for myself, it was overwhelming. My mind (and myself) was not appreciated. (I needed to lighten the load on myself, writing, painting, and drawing has helped me do just that-get those heavy things out) 

Aren't our minds our actual selves? The brain is just part of the body, it's definitely at it's core however. Things like fingers and toes, limbs; you can thrive without those things. Certain organs however you cannot thrive without (maybe the Ancient Egyptians were on to something?) Thinking about thinking, and thought, is almost a mind-f**k, maybe literally. Thinking about your mind, which is part of the brain, but not it's entirety, your mind controls your brain, and your brain controls everything else, "auto-pilot"...

I love music. It's a huge inspiration for me. All kinds of music. Music really is at the core and heart of humanity. As long as people have lived, there has been music. Art, I believe, is a spiritual thing. It's connecting, humanizing, it can be raw and powerful (like emotions). That's why music is so inspirational for me, it can bring up and stir that instinctual power that stems from being human. I can translate those feelings into something visual, symbolic, and, for me, stimulating and meaningful. 

I am striving to never lose that part of myself again!