When You Feel Like A Monster, It's All You Can Do To Realize You Are One And Just Deal With It

note to self: married men, bad. guilt is a funny thing

When You Feel Like A Monster, It's All You Can Do To Realize You Are One And Just Deal With It

Poisonous tendrils caress the hole
The hole in which I'm stuck in
The battle in which I can't seem to win
Where I feel useless
Where I feel like a virus
Everything I touch turns to ash
Every mistake I made becomes a bright red gash
Striped across my face

 

I can cover it up but underneath it's still there
They all think I don't care
They just say I don't think it's fair
But they don't know, they don't see
I know that the problem is me
I am a walking disaster
I can't seem to disappear any faster

Sure, my problems are passed
Sure doesn't change how long they last
Because they do affect me
I just don't let anyone see
Because I'm not sharing my feelings
I won't tell you how I feel
I wish none of this was real
I wish I hadn't made that mistake
Because this overwhelming guilt is more than I can take

 

They say they forgive me
They say its okay
Well, maybe today
So I try
I try to give it to God
I try to move on
And I have for the most part
But no amount of forgiveness can mask my heart
He can heal
But he can't do anything about the way I feel
How I feel when I see a glimpse
A glimpse of something
That reminds me of what I did
And when it happens
It all rushes back
The images, the words, the---

I hate it!
I hate feeling this way

The way you all wanted
You all wanted me to feel bad
Well I do
And now there's nothing you can do
So don't say I don't care
Because I have to live with it
I have to

There's no forgetting
But I'm not blaming you
Its not about you
Its about me
About how I messed up
About how I won't wake up
From this nightmare
The nightmare that really took place
The nightmare that everyday I have to face

 

So I don't need the looks
I don't need the subtle messages
I don't need you to tell me what I already know
Because its hard, hard to live with it
Hard when I feel like---
Because I feel terrible
Because I feel miserable
I feel it all the time
And I'm not asking for your pity
I'm not asking for your sympathy
I'm not making a big scene
Which is why you don't see it
Which is why you don't know I feel this way

 

I don't tell you
I don't tell anyone
I only tell my audience
The audience who reads
Reads what's wrong with me
That's the only way to break through

I've got walls, I've got barriers
To let them down would be that much scarier

And they're strong
And I don't care if its wrong
But I have to
I have to protect
Protect myself from hurting anyone else
Ship me to the asylum so I can get some help
Though help, I need not
Leave me so I can rot
Rot away the guilt, the pain
Because I'm the one to blame

 

I can be happy, I can forget
But it takes only one miniscule reference
To bring back the shame
So I joke about it
That's what I do
Because I don't know what else to do
Because no matter how much joy I'm filled with
No matter how much God I get
I still have to live with it

 

So don't tell me what I already know
So don't tell me how I feel
Because this nightmare I have
Isn't a nightmare at all, it's real
And most of the time I can deal with it
And most of the time it's pretty okay
But all the the time it affects me
Every single day

 

But when the days come that are really bad
When everything makes me mad
When everything makes me sad
It makes me want to scream
It makes me want to shout
But most of all
It makes me want to rip my insides out

 

So there it is
There you have it ladies and gentlemen
The pastors are right
We all have to live with our sin.