Getting Warmer

so close to the end...only one more chapter

Finally, were getting up-to-date! All this crap happened last month! Yay! All right I'm done with the exclamations. ! okay now I'm done. Anywho, last month, things really spiraled out of proportion.

     I think it started when I was grounded for failing math. Mom and Dad took away my phone and music. It was horrible. Now, even though this stuff all happened last month, I don’t exactly remember what happened. Basically what I remembered was me crying every day for at least two hours in one week.

     That week, I gave up. I was so tired of feeling like a horrible person. Oh wait now I remember something.

     Me and a few of my friends went to the mall to film a video for our video production class. I asked my parents and miraculously, they said I could go. I was so excited about going and getting out of the house. I found out that day that I was failing math. I had an idea I was, but it didn’t really cross my mind to tell them since progress reports were sent out the weekend before.

     So, I went and filmed my video. When I got home, I noticed that the progress report was in the office. So I decided to tell my mom before she opened it. She always appreciated honesty. So I told her and she was irritated, but said she would talk to Dad about it. So, Dad, for once in his life, decides to have an opinion and grounded me. My mom had sympathy because she knows I do terrible in math.

     So the following day, Dad is driving me to school, and he begins yelling/talking (it was a mixture) to me about my grades. He goes on about how I need to pay attention in math and stop talking to my guy friends during class. Then, this is what really made me mad. He had taken away my music, right? He starts saying that I listen to all this secular music and I’ve become worldly. In actuality, a lot of my music is Christian screamo. Seems, sacrilegious I know. That’s also something my parents talked about later to me that week. They would say, “Juli what would Pastor Josh say about these bands on your wall?” I was like, “well, more than half are Christian.” Then Mom goes on to say, “Just because they don’t cuss in the lyrics, doesn’t mean they're Christian.” I was like, “Um, I know that.” Then she just gets all mad.

     Anyway, back to the car scene. Dad is yelling about my music and how worldly I am, which if you’re a Christian, it basically means you're doing what the devil wants. Which is like a huge insult to me . I'm crying in the car because I'm really hurt. So Dad’s tearing me apart and insulting me, then he tells me that I am a smart girl and I need to set an example for my friends. Story of my freaking life!!! Why do I have to be the example? Why can’t anyone else do anything for a change? It’s not like either of my parents did anything for God when they were my age. In fact, they did drugs, which I have never ever touched. What if, for once in my life, I just want to be normal? Can’t I make decisions like where I want to go to college, or who I want to date, without consulting Jesus for every little thing. Wouldn’t God want me to make my own decisions and if it’s the wrong one, learn to fix it? Not have everyone deciding how Juli should live her life? (Yes, I did just talk about myself in third-person)

     So finally, what seemed like forever, we get to the parking lot. By now, I'm not only crying, but I'm pissed off and all I can think to myself is Shut up, I want to get out, leave me the hell alone. Get this. Before I leave, my dad reaches over and prays for me. I almost just got out of the car, but I’d have to pay for it later, so I just listened and silently fumed as I wanted to pull my hair out.

     After I got out, I walked over to The Bridge, where all my friends hang out. I was crying. Two of my close friends, Ella and Peter, asked me what was wrong and then ordered everyone to surround me in a group hug. I felt better after that.

     When I got home later that day, turns out my mom had called my math teacher. My teacher told her that I don’t pay attention, I text all the time, I have a bad attitude towards school, and I talk. I do most of that, but I do pay attention. I just don’t understand! But of course, Mom sides with my teacher and then yells at me. So once again, I'm in my room crying, angry as hell.

     I don’t remember the next morning. I think I talked to my teacher about it and called Rose from someone else’s phone and told her everything that was going on. She told her mom, my aunt Lori about everything. Lori is also really upset about everything that’s going on. She is on my side. She, like all the normal people, thinks that I should be able to make my own decisions, choose who I want to date, etc.

     It was a Wednesday night, which meant I had church. I wanted to get there early, so I went with my dad who teaches clases. Earlier that day, I had asked Mom if I could go to Video Production Club, which is a club we have for school. We had a broadcast that Friday, and only the club on Thursday to edit our videos before they were due. Well, my dad told me on our way to church that I was not able to go to club. Well, once again, I will admit, I had attitude. I was like, “Great. Our videos are due. I told Mr. Matteson that you probably weren’t going to let me go, and he was mad.” Dad then said, “Well, did you tell him why?” I was like,” Yeah. He just wonders why you’re punishing me for failing a class by making me fail this one.” He didn’t have much to say after that.

     A couple hours later, Mom is driving me home and starts yelling at me (after church) about how I was guilt-tripping Dad and saying that I was manipulating him and being deceitful. Oh yeah, that’s their new word for me: deceitful. Look that up in the dictionary, and you’ll see my picture.

     I said that I never said I was going to fail the class if I didn’t go. I had temporarily forgotten that I had said that Mr. Matteson said that. But I wouldn’t fail the class, just the project. So then Mom says, “Oh so you’re calling Dad a liar?” I said, “No. I think he just misunderstood me.” So once again, the yelling starts. I'm completely silent as tears start rolling down my cheeks. It was a good thing it was dark in the car, because the look in my eyes were livid. I don’t think I’ve ever been that angry in my life. Mom then asked me a question, one that required an answer. An answer that she wanted to hear. For the first time in my life, I didn’t answer. She said, “So you’re just going to sit there and ignore me?” I did exactly what she asked. I have all these thoughts running through my head and words that are fighting to get out of my mouth. Inside, I'm wanting to scream and yell at her.

     When we get home, I went straight to bed. I didn’t eat, I just went to bed. About an hour later, I'm just about to fall asleep, and both of them come in my room. Yelling Session Number—oh God, idk, I lost count. They yell, I cry, they talk to me nicely, I'm still angry. By the time they're done, so am I. I realized then, at that moment. I was finished. I no longer respected my parents, or trusted them. For others, this may not seem like a big deal. But for me, these were my parents. People I loved and adored. Now I hated them. I really did. I decided that from that point on, I would do what I want, choose who I wanted to date, and they would know nothing of the sort. It saddened me to do this, but I was so tired of it. I was done.

     The next evening, we were eating dinner and my dad was looking at a small packet with bible verses on it. I was trying to keep my attitude good, so I asked him what he was looking at. Then he gets all mad and says that there were like 20 something verses on there, all talking about respecting your parents and being deceitful. I was to read each one and write what it meant to me. Then they threatened to send me to the Christian School at the church. This is about the second time they’ve done that. The time before was that Dad said if I went to that school, I would only like the five guys that were there and be over it. Which made me feel like a s**t. Thanks Mom and Dad!

     All in all, it had been a very tough month. One full of many, many tears. During that month I had written two poems. One was about being “The Example” and the other about how much I’d been crying.

 

Tears Of Pain

 

Two little drops

Full of so much pain

Two little drops

Falling like rain

These two little drops

Are all I have now

Crying, crying

Always crying

Crying, crying

Feels like dying

Two little drops

Full of so much pain

Two little drops

Falling like rain

These two little drops

Are actually two little tears

But it’s all right now

Don’t you see?

These two little drops

Have become a part of me

 

 

Pessimism At Its Finest

 

Be the example they say

Be something we can be proud  of

In the world, not of the world

Excuse me, have you even seen the world?

Do you see what I see?

I see a world that is not all about me

The world I see

Is not dependent on me

If I make a few mistakes

The world is not going to crash

If I falter

Glasses will not smash

So what difference does it make

If I live my life for give or take?

Even if I'm the best person I can be

It’s not going to solve the world’s tragedy

He cries

Because he’s dying inside

She cries

Because she’s been abused by many guys

When will it end?

How can I be of any assistance?

When I'm so far off in the distance

Trying to deal

Hiding all the emotions that I feel

It’s not that hard they say

Or is it?

Walk in my shoes for a day

And I guarantee you’ll forget how to pray

 

 

 

 

 

 

EPILOGUE: Things with my parents are all right-ish. I just mnake sure they know nothing about my personal life and make up crap to make them happy. Which in all honesty, I absolutely hate it, but I'm not allowed to be my own person anymore. It’s not like I'm doing all this bad stuff, but they don’t know who I am anymore. I'm planning to move out when I'm eighteen.

 

 

 

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tsk tsk you spelled make wrong... "mnake"