Who(re) I Am Now

the next chapter in my 16th year. my life as a w***e

Who(re) I am Now

 

     School had pretty much ended and things were not getting any better. My parents were constantly watching me, forcing me to come out of my room and watch whatever dumb movie. I wasn’t depressed anymore, but I was getting tired of this whole house arrest thing. They wouldn’t let me go ANYWHERE. It was traumatic. And me, being locked up in the house for six weeks (luckily our school is year-round), I tend to get a little…er…irritated…with those who are locking me up. So, my attitude got me in trouble a lot.

     My mom and I began to fight a lot. And when we would fight, it would either be about my attitude or a certain guy I liked. And when it was about the guy, she would throw everything she read in journal thing back in my face. She would yell at me because I'm such a flirt and it’s a matter of time before I have sex with one of those guy friends. The same thing OVER and OVER! But not only would she reprimand me about guys in general, for some strange reason, she hated the guy I liked. She had only met him once.

     Apparently, the reason she didn’t like him was because she thought he was weird. I couldn’t believe she was so judgmental! She didn’t like his appearance either and then used the excuse, “Juli, God told me he wasn’t the right one for you.”

     All right. First of all, I just liked the guy, I never said I was gonna marry him. I didn’t understand why she was freaking out. Secondly, don’t you think God would tell me that?

     Things were getting bad. That’s when I decided to start a writerscafe account. I wrote a lot of poetry this last summer. I emailed my teacher about how annoying my family was, because he’s the one who had been getting me through all this crap in the last few months. Then I would talk to Devin and Rose about it.

     I stopped mentioning anything about the guy I liked to my mom, hoping she would just forget about it. It was like she didn’t even want me to be friends with him. But I didn’t care. I think it was about that time when I stopped listening to my parents. To an extent. I started then and there, making my own decisions. That was something my teacher told I needed to learn how to do. I always take other people’s word for situations in my life and I never make my own decisions.

     My parents would tell me to grow up, but I was only allowed to grow up according to their boundaries.

     I'm not allowed to choose who I date, or who I hang out with, or have any privacy whatsoever. Phone calls would be intercepted, texts read, computer checked. Luckily, I was able to get out of the house for a week or so and hang out with my aunt. I was also irritated about not being able to go to New York to see Rose, like I usually did. I started hating it at home.

     During that time was when I decided that I wouldn’t let them know anything that was going on in my life.

     There were so many screaming arguments between me and my mom about guys. You would not even believe. From what I got, was that my mother was calling me a w***e. Now, she never said those words, but God, I felt it. She would scream about how I flirt with guys and all they want is sex and that I was going to give in and sleep with them. And then the conversation would turn back to my past and present.

     I remember her saying something about how I have a problem with guys and that I needed to see my counselor about it. I mean, come on! How retarded would that be?

“Um, Pastor Janelle, I know you’re very busy with people with real problems, but apparently mine is life-threatening. I like guys. I know, I know, I shouldn’t, but I can’t help it.” Yeah, I don’t think so. Jeez what did Mom want from me? To be lesbian? Haha, when I pointed that out to my mom, she was pissed. That was my attitude; I did say it sarcastically. I'm not denying my attitude, because oh it was there all right. I was angry.

     Now, because of the huge w***e I am, I decided to rant about it in a story. Some may have read it, but I'm gonna post it here anyway. Most of this stuff you have read in other chapters, but it’s just like a recap. Enjoy.

 

            Since I was about 12, my life has been all about God, Jesus, and being the best Christian I can be. Granted, I’ve made mistakes, but that was before I really dedicated my life to God.

            So, in the summer of 7^th-8^th grade, my parents moved me to a tiny little town in Arizona to be a missionary. I was taken away from my family, my boyfriend (which was a good thing), my best friends, and basically my whole life to go build up a church I had little interest in. I didn’t want to move there. In fact, I hated it.

            But since I was there, I made the best of it. I will admit, though painful, it was a good experience and brought me closer to God than ever before. I changed from a Christian school straight to a public school where there was so much cussing, sex, and alcohol, I could barely understand what was going on. However, I made sure everyone knew that I was Christian. I wasn’t about sex, drugs, or alcohol. I was pretty much innocent. I continuously shared my faith wit my friends and helped people in any way I could. Apparently I was too nice, because I got taken advantage of. Even though I was trying to make the best of it, at first it was so hard. My parents were screaming at each other a lot. I remember sitting in the bathroom, bawling my eyes out because I could hear my mom threatening to move back to New York or to hit my dad. One day I got so sick of it, I almost took a bunch of pills. I didn’t though, instead I came crying to my mother, telling her that I hated it there. Ever since then, she doesn’t let me have any Tylenol in my possession.

            Things got better; I made friends. I helped lead our youth group, lead worship at our church, teach Sunday school to little kids, and keep up my grades. I helped my other Christian friends get closer to God.

            Now, I wasn’t perfect, I will assure you that. But I tried really hard, more than most.

            My parents then moved me to Hawaii. I became involved there in my church. I became a leader, lead bible studies at school, converted a good group of friends to Christianity. I liked guys, but tried not to let it consume me. I did this for two years.

            Now in the last two years, things began to change. I fell into a depression about a year and a half ago. I almost started cutting myself last January. Call me emo, whatever. It doesn’t matter. I pulled away from church, from God. I still had my morals, my beliefs. No one knew what I went through and I didn’t tell anyone. All of my own friends had their issues, therefore, I pushed mine away.

            Last March, I finally broke out of my depression at a camp at my church. I cried so much. Now obviously I fell a bit from God during my depression and it would take me a while to get back. Things had been going pretty good for a couple months. Except for my best friend moved away and that really was hard. However, I did meet some new people, crazy people. People that I love and mean the world to me.

            Because I'm a writer, I write down my feelings. I wrote journal entries about my depression, about this guy I was crazy about, and even was writing a book about my life and mistakes. Also I was writing the book What Happens When Your Life Falls Apart  while I was in depression. Long story short, my mom found all of my writing and freaked out. Which was understandable, because no one had a clue what was going on with me. But I was over my depression, ready to start a happy life again, whereas my parents had an intervention for me and took me to see a counselor at my church. Funny thing though, the counselor said that I was being a normal teenager and was no serious problem with me. Then my mother goes on and talks about how in my journal I write an awful lot about guys. Which hello, I am a girl. And honestly, I don’t think there was anything in there that bad anyway. It could have been a lot worse. But I have a lot of guy friends, so she also chooses to freak out about that. She gets mad at me because a lot of them have asked me out. Yet I’ve said no. I don’t think they understand how hard it is to live in a world full of corruption and be just about one of the only committed Christians in your own school. They used to tell me how proud they were of me. But ever since they read my journal, my parents have it in their heads that I have this massive problem with guys that I should be seeing a counselor about. My whole summer sucked. My parents won’t let me out of the house because I might be screwing my guy friends or something. Which is ridiculous, since I do hold true to my beliefs and EVERYONE KNOWS THAT. But apparently everyone is a liar and I'm just some huge Christian W***E.

            Now, as a senior in high school, my life is over. I can’t go anywhere, not even to a friends birthday party, because it’s obviously a cover for some huge sex orgy. Because that’s the kind of person I am. Never mind how I spent the last 5 years of my life. Apparently they don’t count anymore. Sure, I’ve made some mistakes, but God F*****G forbid, I'm human!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

            But see, the funny thing is, my parents think they're protecting me by putting me on permanent house arrest, but now, there is more going on in my life that they have no clue about. They thought I was keeping things before, they have no idea now. Who knows, because I'm treated like I'm such a W***E, MAYBE I’LL JUST GO OUT AND BECOME ONE. AT LEAST I’D BE GETTING ACCUSED OR PUNISHED FOR SOMETHING THAT’S TRUE.

 

 

Btw…if anyone needs a w***e, let me know…J

 

 

 

 

EPILOGUE: These days, things are still tough. I'm still not allowed to go anywhere. I haven’t stayed the night at a friend’s house since like May. And it’s freaking October! Sadly, I guess I’ve been accustomed to being this so-called w***e. All of my friends at school, with their loving support, call me a w***e. They’ve taken these accusations and irritations in my life and made it a big joke. I seriously don’t know where I would be if I didn’t have my crazy friends supporting me and making me feel better. Another support that is greatly appreciated are my extended family, who think my parents are crazy, and both my cousins, Trystn and Rose. I love you all.

 

Btw, my rates are $51/hr. hahaha

 

 

Reviews

[Sssss]

Hahaha! loving the last line. Your mom sort of reminds of my friend's mom, but dam she never resorted to house arrest. I feel for you

[UpComesDown]

crap i only have 49.50... oh well

[Rico Suave]

turning insults into jokes is fun....:P