Unearthed

just when i thought i was over depression

Unearthed

 

Between my getting out of depression and the next drama in my life, there was a period of about a month that I was happy, or at least was close to it. Devin was gone, I don’t think I knew my sis was pregnant yet, and I had met people that later would be the people who supported me through hard times.

But like all things in this world come to an end, so did this temporary happiness. I had been doing pretty good getting out of my depression and I changed the people I hung around with. I started hanging out with crazy, fun people that loved each other. I grew close with certain people and even crushing on one of my friends. Things finally were getting back to normal. Or so I thought.

One of the days my mom picked me up from school, she was very quiet. Every day when I get in the car, I always ask her how her day was. This is when I figure what kind of mood she was in and how to act around her. This time when I asked, she was abnormally quiet. Almost ominous. All she said was, “Let’s just say, it’s going to be a hard day for you Juli.” But the way she said it was pained and slow.

I was like, “Oh no, what did I do?”

Turns out, my mom had one of her stupid feelings. Now, let me explain to you these feelings. These feelings are when for some irritatingly true reason, God tells my mom things that aren’t right with me. She’s had one of those feelings and turns out she’s been right. However, not all of these times have been right. Some of them have, but not all.

So this time, what her feeling had her do was check my computer. I had written a letter to my best friend in California. We were just recovering our friendship and I wanted to let her know everything that had gone on in my life. I would have included the letter in this story, but I think I deleted everything personal on this computer since my mom went through it all.

She told me that she had read my journal, which I had only written like five entries. One was about some irritations at school, the one about Rose and Christina, about my depression, and one about the guy I liked a while ago. But in the letter, I told Taylor about my depression, which my mom and my whole family knew nothing about. I think I had written that letter like two months before I got out of depression. I just never sent it.

I had told her about my book I was writing and how depressed I was for a year. Then I talked about my relationship with Jayme and how I was struggling with that. That letter was on my computer and my mom had decided to read it. Now don’t get me wrong, my mom usually respects my privacy, except in these circumstances. Oh wait, let me rephrase that. She used to respect my privacy. These days, not so much.

Oh wait, I found the letter. Actually it is really private and people I know will be reading this. However, I will give you the gist of it. Mostly, it went in depth into how I had felt about a guy who was my best friend for a year and a half and all the trials that had taken place during that time. I had believed I was in love then, but I don’t anymore. I now realize that I had been close to it, but it wasn’t the real thing. I figure I will know when the real thing is there. I also had told her some other relationships I had cut off. I had talked about how guys treated me those days. When I lived in California, guys had told me I was cute and stuff like that, but when I moved here, I dunno what happened, but I got asked out or liked by like ten people in a year’s time. That may not seem like a big deal to some people, but for me it was. I had some of my guy friends professing their love for me. This was not what I was used to.

I will let you know that I am a major flirt. It’s just part of who I am. No matter who the guy is, I flirt. Unless he like completely disgusts me. I don’t always do it deliberately, but I'm a natural flirt. You can ask any one of my friends, it’s true. I'm also very affectionate. I grew up being loved and coddled by my family, so naturally, I like being loved and hugged by my friends, both guys and girls. I don’t ever think anything of it, I just find it completely natural. My friend Zach even made up the term that I was an affection w***e. Well, when my mom read about that in my letter, she was not happy.

Like I said before, I talked about Jayme and how we met. Then I said some stuff how we were taking it slow, but it was really hard. We had joked around about some stuff, but it wasn’t exactly all that pure. But, I am human, contrary to many beliefs.

But here is the rest of the letter that I wrote:

 

Another thing is that I’ve gotten into being what nowadays is called emo. I died my hair black, wear black eyeliner every day. I like black clothes, but I still like colors too. And adding music like Flyleaf, Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, and Skillet, basically sets it. I stopped being around me family and would rather be alone in my room, typing up a story. A story in which, is quite depressing. It’s about a girl named Christine who got raped by her exboyfriend. She hates her family and one by one they all die. Her exboyfriend hurts her, so she begins cutting herself. See, when I had this story in mind, I knew that it was all going to turn out good in the end. But as I wrote more and more, I really enjoyed writing it. Sounds super creepy, I know, but it’s true. If I felt depressed, I’d go type and basically live through it. If I wanted to feel pain, I’d write Christine cutting herself. I would describe it too. It was actually well written. Here’s a sample:

 

Christine sat on her bathroom counter and thought. She glanced back at the trash. The broken shaver glittered with light. She reached and picked up a razor blade. Looking at it thoughtfully, she decided that she would be the only one who hurts her. Christine turned over her arm, showing her wrist. It had one cut already. That one from David earlier that week. I hurt me, she decided as she pressed the blade against her skin and slid it across her wrist. “One for David.” She slid it again. “One for Mom.” She went faster. “One for Jess, one for Dad.” The blood seeped out of the cuts. They weren’t very deep. Christine didn’t want to kill herself. She was simply expressing her pain.

 

            See what I mean? Very descriptive and well written and I am impressed with my work. However I realize now, that typing this story is basically me going through the emotions of cutting myself, but not actually doing it.

            Taylor, this year has really sucked. And to make matters worse, I’ve had no one to help me through it. I feel so alone. I’ve never cried so much. But every day, I try to hold it together for everyone else. I’m the one that keeps my friends in check. If I go down, so does everyone else. So I go on, pretending everything is okay, even though it really isn’t. It’s the furthest from okay. I miss you so much and thought that I should let you know exactly who I am now. I’m still fun to be around and nice and all that, but there’s a lot underneath my surface right now. I love you so much.

 

Love,

Juli

 

 

Now, keep in mind that I was still in depression then. That is something I think my mom fails to realize. By the time she read this, I was fine. That’s why I never sent the letter. And when she read this, she wanted to read my story. So she opened that up. To this day she thinks that I made the mom and sister out to be my mom and sister, which I did not. But she doesn’t believe me. Sure, when I was upset, I would write because it would channel the pain into something worthwhile. Better that then hurting myself, I thought.

Anyways, there is another document on my computer that has a password. It is a book I was writing about my life. It was completely all me. Thoughts I had about situations, friends, and people I liked. It was honesty about the hard times in my life. In there, I confessed many of my faults, some of the bad choices I had made, and things that many teens would relate to. That was my intention.

Well, my mom forced me to give her the password to it. I hadn't been very faithful to it, so there were a lot of skip-arounds in it. I tried to remain calm, and say that it wasn’t an invasion of privacy. A few weeks before I had read a book called She Said Yes by Misty Bernall. The book was about a girl named Cassie Bernall, who was shot at the Columbine High School Shooting on April 20^th, 1999. She was shot for her belief in God. The book was really an inspiration to me. But throughout the book, Misty Bernall talks about her daughter’s life. Cassie was a depressed girl involved in drugs, suicide, and darkness. There was an incident where Misty accidentally stumbled upon gruesome letters Cassie had wrote to her friend. These letters talked about ways the girls were going to kill their parents and things like that.

I remember telling myself as I read that, that it was not an invasion of privacy. So when something similar happened to me, I reminded myself that my mom was looking out for me.

And I understood that my parents were scared. I mean, not knowing your daughter was on the verge of killing herself for a year and finding out through her journal was pretty scary. But I was like, ”Yeah, I felt like that, but not anymore, I'm fine.”

So mom read through my whole story and I was embarrassed. There were some things I didn’t want her to know that were in there. There wasn’t anything really bad in it, but just rather embarrassing things. All she had to say to me was that I seemed like I was a different person and that I needed to stay away from guys.

I didn’t really think it was a big deal. I mean, I am a teenage girl, of course I like guys a lot. And in writing my book, that’s the kind of stuff girls my age like to read.

My mom had said that when my dad got home, we would all talk. When he got home, we had my “intervention” as they called it. They both talked to me about my depression and how good my life was. Then Dad went on and said that he did not want to lose another child (i.e. read The Miracle That Saved Us All). There was a lot of crying involved. They were going to send me to a counselor at my church and because of things that were in my journal, they no longer trusted me. Summer was getting closer, and mine would suck, because they wouldn’t let me go anywhere, thinking I would have sex with some guy. But that’s another chapter.

 

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if you wherent such a w***e .... safe sex forever right kei? stupid keis mom...