~Morning Thunder Tea~

Every morning I get up at 6am, just so that I can have a little quiet time to write before the kids wake up. This is something I wrote on just such a morning:

 

Sip and puff and ponder.

Bad habits all!

The light spreads

little by little

across the room.

The children still sleep.

Little angels, dreaming

devilish things.

The house: not silent, but still.

The mind: neither.

It races round its small world.

Past, present, future.

The wishful if, the hated if.

Thoughts, unformed, flutter

like birds round the empty feeder

outside the window;

disipating dew

under the suns' bold gaze.

Nothing remains

longer than the clouds,

swirling ambiguously,

thru my tea.
     ©J.E.S.

Reviews

[Edward Clay]

"The children still sleep.
Little angels, dreaming
devilish things." - these two sentences are about the same thing and would therefore be better as one, as i commented with the other poem. Otherwise, it's one image broken in half and gives less of animpact.

"The house: not silent, but still.
The mind: neither.
It races round its small world.
Past, present, future.
The wishful if, the hated if." - you do it again here (i'm not saying its wrong by the way, just saying what i think - feel free to do as you will, there is no right or wrong with poetry! haha). 5 lines, 5 senteces. It feels very cluttered. Stopping and starting and there is no flow. The first two lines of the above it works for. but the next two would be better conjoined, because they are about the same thing. See what I mean?

the execution however is fatastically written. I specifically like the images and feel of the words.

[Kyle A. Smith]

The house: not silent, but still.
The mind: neither.

it really picks up after that part. dang.