I miss you

every time i see him in my thoughts I miss him

Perseverance i see in his eyes, those beautiful innocent smiling eyes he says justin beiber but more handsome than him. Today I am missign so much, where the thoughts went over him, back to 10 years. The very first time, i saw him, without a fear in voice he talked i was like hey stop why you are so loud, i dont know i didnt feel any kind of emotion, but he too didnt give me a look, but i was watching him only, he wore the full sleeve light shade shirt, with formal pant, as it was in office, where my supervisor went to see him as he is also going to be part of my project, i was really suprised at his tone, SORRY? no fear at all, it sounded different but i felt like a american young teenager. 

The second time he met me he was standing at my cube blocked by him and my supervisor, i leaned towrds my supervisor as he was old, and he will not take bd if i walk towars him, i just stayed little far from him, i know how these men will be taking advantage i thought so. He was like after that chat looking at my cube by standing inside another colleague cube, does he know me, i was not knowing him, i just thought about him as any other person who met for the first time. but he acted as if he knows me already, many people i have seen me as if they know already before i was in college at Beaumont, Texas. He was like want to see me and talk to me, might have liked me i thought, but i was looking average as it was post preganancy, my son was 6 months old, i was stout with chubby cheeks, little baby fat. Later we were sitting in opposite cubes, where he can see me while coming out and going in cube. 

But i want to write something else about him. Today i was missing him, how he was needing me then, now in no reach to me, how come i forgot everything about him, but if i just remind those days, feel like why he is not with me, how much i loved him, and how much he loved and cared, God just or our fate just separated us, no where even in fb or linkenin, he blocked me every where, not even friend he treated me, entirely he blocked me, i cant even see his pics, profile lock, but that is not the issue right after he was leaving Houston to Barcelona. SO it was so much confusion whether he needed me, but his soul was always talking to me, giving hope he will be with you back. But now he is missing me again what for when he got married, i am going into deppresion again missing him, his smile and voice, before he was leaving a month, he completely stopped looking at me, no talk, giving a anjaan look when i see him in hall way walking beside. on the last day, i felt he was feeling bad, i was literally crying in my cube i was so frustrated, that i just said F** OFF. It was so rude that he couldnt see all the best to me and i was also rude to him that i too didnt wish him best of luck. But i did spend 5 mins of his time near to his 2 feet distance, talking over a autolaon of him. i just didnt think of my money  and i didnt needed  a car too, but i was no savinsg at all, i was out my family relationship, with divorce confirmed and stamped, so no alimony as it was mutual, i didnt even know that money can be asked to him, i know it was my fault that i walked away from my relationship, so didnt think of anything, just coming out for him. In that 5 mins i was like in heaven, not even looked at him but his wallet, not even talked to him, as was not talking to me but he said take 3 years, i too did the same term, i didnt say anything to him , but i told to loan office that take 5 years i cant repay in 3 years, i know i have very bad savings, i want to save a little and repay slowly. Yea he gave 300$ off and car body shop he did it, but sold for less than KBB price, i didnt even check anything, the car condition, i know the colr and model of his car as i got ride in his car once. No offence, he might have taken rigth price, but later my sister were scolding me why you took that car, as there was bumper issue where we couldnt drive more than 60 mph over the highway, the mechanic didnt fix, he doesnt know about it. so later i thought did he took for high price, i ignored but got little angry at him when he left me, he literally chated me by marrying someone else, when he loved so much, and i took divorce. 

But he is not a bad guy, the person i saw in those 3 years is different one, where couldnt find anywhere, i still love him, for his nature and behaviour, he was always trying to hurt me in a good way, and needed me more than any girl. Thats why i still like him and adore him, though he hurts me so much. But the last month before he was leaving for his MBA, due to his dad's recommendation, i missed him so much when i came to know that in a meeting when he announced infront of evryone, my heart skipped a beat but i was like, i kept calm, without anything and he gave askance as if not watching me but he was trying to see me what it was going through in my mind and face, i was waiting after that meeting to see him , but he didnt returned so long time and came after i left, so i can feel what it was going through his mind that he is leaving me. On my birhtday it was in that last month, maybe he wanted to spend atleast from near, even on that day also he was not completely with me near to my cube he left early after lunch to san francisco, and his dad was askign where are you are you not with her indirectly. On that noon after my meeting, i was literally crying missing my son, and hating him, 1for an hour, and then later i had meetign with my mentor she was consoling me, and saying in thoughts he is millionaire, until then i dont know that he was so rich, i didnt even pay attention to that even, i dont know which class he is rich or middle, yea i know he is not from a poor class as studied in London. Till then i saw him as normal but i never had thought of his richness and his family, i just was thinking of him. 

That much his family needed me and left for a reason, but why now he wants me as f** friend as he is missing me, i need him but not in that relationship, i need to be legally seen with him if i have to be with him not secretly, we are not sinners, to hide our love secretly, everyone of his wife's familly knows about me, who i am and what i am, she knowingly married him. I am not angry on her but i do love him and i am not going to touch him, even though she doesnt care. 

But his wedding made me to forget everything all his memories and hatred left in me, and my memory loss even closed my thoughts over him, but later last year i was crying again why i was not part of his life, for hours, then he made me to realize that are you going to dump this world in tsunami, dont you hav responsibilty and by syaing that he shut his mouth and said i  found a nice lady, dont worry. I didnt say anything but i went into my deppression, and struggled myself to move away from him completely, in thoughts of one dumpster who dumped me literally with false emotions over me. Then he came to me again, to protect me from him and revealing his secret that he is cheating me, then and there itself i completely removed him from my mind, where before that only i came to know his evil plans. 

But today i felt like he needs me, is it true? i dont know, he might be missing something which he is looking for n me, i dont know what, i love you my man, i dont know whats going on with you, and what is going to be with me, i am ready for any risk, hope good happens to us, thats all i want to say. i am not chasing you then and not now, i just adore you, you know that very well as like this world. 

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[JessyJacob]

i am not revealing any secrets, it is my life story if i hide facts, no one will trust me.