B&B-Bunty(Shunty) & Bublee(Blacky) - First meet

First look!

Both are traveling in flight, sit side by side. 

Bunty: Hey Hi!

Bublee: Hehe Hi!

Bunty(inside): How she is smiling all teeth out!

Bublee(inside): what is he looking at! 

Bunty: Naa, nothing.

Bublee: Then watch your window!

Reviews

[JayG]

• Both are traveling in flight, sit side by side.

The problem we face when we elect to “tell” the reader a story is that we know too much. When you read those words you have perfect understanding of the situation. You visualize the two people and the setting. You know their backstory, their destination, and, what’s about to happen. You begin reading, knowing that they’re in an aircraft, and in flight. And because you do, you leave out critical information. And, by including the “graphic novel” illustrations, you make the situation worse. To better understand, look at the words, not as the all-knowing author, but as a reader, who has no context but what the words supply, and requires context as they read, or before.

1. “Both are traveling in flight…”
How can there be a “both” when you’ve introduced no travelers and no setting? This could refer to two birds, two aircraft, or.... When you say, “In flight” the reader assumes that they, not a passenger-plane are flying.

2. “sit side by side.”

So, they’re in a biplane, in 1933…or are pilot and copilot of a 747, or…?

My point is that without context this is meaningless. You, of course, possess full knowledge of them and the situation when you read. And for you, the image you held as you wrote this pops into your mind as the words are read. But no one else can do that. In effect, you’re talking in shorthand, with each line pointing to the images and knowledge already in your head.

But pity the reader. They lack all that foreknowledge. For them, the image held as you wrote this cannot pop into their mind, and so, it can’t work.

You’re focused on events and facts. But readers? As E. L. Doctorow put it: “Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.” Readers want to feel as if they’re sitting in that plane, not learning that someone they know nothing about is there.

• Bunty(inside): How she is smiling all teeth out!

You cannot make up your own methodology. Readers of fiction expect thoughts to be expressed in the usual format, not as a modification of a script that you invented.

That aside, no human ever had those words appear in their mind. The human reaction would be emotional, not an observation of fact. He might have thought, “Mmm what a pretty smile,” or even something stronger, like, “Wow! I HAVE to get to know her better!"

But then you have her, after greeting him with enthusiasm, wonder what he's looking at? Has she no brain?

You follow that with him replying to what you say is a thought. So she's a mind reader? And she doesn't wonder how he knew her thought?

The short version: They offer degree programs in Commercial Fiction-Writing. Surely at least some of what's taught is necessary. Right? More to the point, the reader is used to seeing the result of using those skills, and will turn away if you spring something unfamiliar on them, because it’s added work to make sense of it, without added reading pleasure to make up for the work.

The solution? Add those missing skills to your toolbox. They’re not a professional secret. In fact, on reading about many of them, your response will be, “But that’s so obvious…how did I not see it for myself?” The library’s fiction-writing section can be a big help. And given where you stand, I’d recommend you begin with Debra Dixon’s, GMC: Goal Motivation & Conflict.

And as for the pictures you include? That’s for children’s books. Here, they’re getting in the way. The first picture tells the reader that they’re children riding on a toy plane, one behind the other, when you day they're side-by-side. So the pictures are unrelated to the actual story.

Sorry my news isn’t better, but since our own writing always works for us, I thought you might want to know.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/

[JessyJacob]

Hi Jay G, i havent seen so great critic so far. Well I am not a writer, nad not an artist where i can draw cartoons, but if you visualise the pictures, you can capture my thoughts, so i want to make both funny and serious, but those funny pics are of kids so feel like kids only can make those funny expressions and actions. And serious emotions are given by elders, but those are innocent feelings, where you can see them in kids. So sir, please dont think differently, i will make sure to make consistency in pics, of elders while selecting but to find other's cartoons it is difficult to get them i want to show in my story of about these two people. Else i have to practice drawing.
I just wanted to write similar to comic story in the last page of a news paper, so i tried to imitate such comic, with my feelings which i have about my man, which i think of dreaming, as it is past now, which it cant happen so I am just writing them, But these are my true feelings.

Will definitely re read all your points again, to write better. Nice to meet you Sir Jay. I see how you are making me a better writer, I didnt feel angry over your serious remarks, which are little huritng too. So thank you, look forward to hear on my future writings.

[JayG]

• but if you visualise the pictures, you can capture my thoughts,

So...if I look at a picture of two children straddling a plane I’ll somehow know what was in your mind, and visualize two adults sitting inside the kind of plane you were picturing, know the characters and their situation? I'll know nationality, dress and backstory of your characters from seeing children?

Naa.

Have you not noticed that you’re getting no comments at all on most of your work, and usually only one on those few that do have one? You make the mistake of believing that your intent somehow makes it to the reader. It doesn't and can't.

Try an important test. Pick a friend who has no acting skill and give them the first few pages to read. Tell them it's not your work, just something you want an opinion on. That way they won't hold back for fear of hurting you.

Don't tell them what it's about, just have them read it aloud. Sit where you can see them, but they can't see your face, and know that they made you cry. 😃

It's a humbling experience, but necessary.

At present I have 29 books on Amazon. I’ve taught fiction-writing at workshops, and I owned a manuscript critiquing service. So what I say is the kind of thing you’ll learn early in any good book on writing, not my view of how to write.

You’re missing a critical piece of information, our goal. It is NOT to make the reader know what happened. It’s to make the reader feel that it is happening to them, in real-time. And none of the techniques we were given in school can do that. It’s a learned skill.

And yes, a critique hurts. I well know that. Because I began writing before the Internet, so there was no one to tell me what I said to you. ] I spent several years writing six many-times-rejected novels before I paid for a professional critique—a deep version of what I gave you. After working that long, and making the commitment to writing that I did, the critique that came back was devastating. But…after learning that I needed more than guesswork I started digging into the skills of writing fiction. And one year after that, a publisher offered me my first literary contract.

You can write in any way you care to, of course. And unless asked, I never review a given writer a second time. So I won't bother you again. But you’re flying blind, and making up how to write as you go. That is a guaranteed way to fail, because you’ll never try to fix the problem you don’t see as being one. And our own writing always works for us. As Mark Twain observed: “It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”

They offer degree programs in Commercial Fiction Writing. And readers are used to reading work that was created using the skills that have been developed through the years. And, like you and I, will stop reading if it’s not there.

[JessyJacob]

Nice to see your reply again. There is much to learn, I never got that much to spend time in excelling any field except at studies, that too I am an average student at school better in maths and science. But i learnt only few imp points, always i felt inferior and wanted to excel in something. I have only views and plans but doesnt know how to express. Will need to learn how to write. Thank you for your time. Bt what interests me to write is about my man and his love but I love to read. I am learning to write now.
Please do give your thoughts on my writings. Your critiques are always welcome and do note them.

Have a good night.