Chupa Rustum - Chapter 11. My Hardship!

I just was thinking what I am doing is right?

Yea,  I am a graduate from top two college in India, but went through tough time to get job, I started my first job with a salary of 2500INR, in a college as tutor. But with that first salary I purchased saree to my Grand mother and t-shirt to my dad. They were happy, and I also felt like I did something for them, though unable to get good job with high pay. I lost Wipro interview in campus, I prepared well, with a mini project in coding, but due to my scary nature, couldn’t clear the interview as blocked mind by first question itself, as I was unaware of office terminology of software projects. Never mind I didn’t break, kept on trying for job, but didnt get good job, tried all chemical industries. Finally through one of my relative close contact I got into one of the manufacturing plant as Process Engineer, I used to be part of Technical team, really impressed my Manager from Solvay, was  from Asia, by doing a small operation manual for operators, it was exactly what he wants. With the first salary of the job, I purchased a silk saree to my mother Goddess Parvati, the famous temple Sri Kalahasthi, near to my plant in Andhra Pradesh. I am a great devotee of Mother Goddess, daily I used to wake up at 4am, get ready and go to temple to offer my prayers before going to palnt, as my rented room was just quarter mile. It is the temple of Shiva, a very big one and old temple.  I worked there for 3 months, I got sick because of my dual nature, went back to my home town and continued to work as College lecturer. 

                                    

Later because of undying passion to study in USA and also to get career and money I kept on trying to get Visa to United States, with great trial of thrice, I got into  a good University with funding and a position as Research assistant, with immediate job right before graduation. I also impressed BASF folks, for my research project, the professor who offered it, qualified me based on my experience at plant with Quant+Verbal of my GRE. Later I also worked at some labs to due to recession, and got good offer  from GE energy after that, as a contractor. Here in US, with my first salary I helped my dad to buy a apartment, but my dad was not happy as he thought I am not giving all my salary when he checked my bank statement, he got angry and never wore my t-shirt which I purchased for him with my first job salary. I was just trying to save money, I am a simple girl not even spent on cosmetics, dressing, neither hangout with friends for parties or traveling. During my work at labs, I even helped my Guruji at home town, I had a personal loan of 10000USD, I transferred him without thinking 1500USD as when he needed, though I was earning 1500USD at labs per month, in that I gave to my family for expenses, and helped Guruji too, and was trying to help my university, student funeral, I was like ready to give 1200USD, to send the body to his parents, my friends stopped me to give that amount, and took only 200USD. I never hesitated to help people.

This generosity continued to my inlaws too during my married life with my X husaband. My inlaw's family was in debt of around 35000USD, which I supported my X husband to clear entirely, as he was hesitating to clear total amount by himself as his father didn’t get retired yet. I purchased 200USD worth pattu saree to my mother inlaw. She was very happy that I purchased that costly saree to her, she was like crying out of happiness. I still miss her and like her attitude of being mother though I am daughter inlaw to her. Here my X husband was saying like why you want to buy that costly saree, I said this is the first time I am buying I want to buy a good one.

Even when my parents visited Houston, I took all places in Texas by road, though we didn’t even visit, staying for two years there. My parents felt happy and liked it.

Do I still look like blocking myself to help people?

Yea, I never thought of saving for future, I just lived in my current life, but now fear is rising as I am leading single life, thinking of my future and also drowned in debts which I left uncleared when left States, so started saving for my son’s education atleast, I can survive in some odd job if I have to with my health conditions, with my Chupa Rustum takes time to reach me, till then I have to survive, atleast I have to take care of myself, later he will at any cost, cant expect my son to help me, don’t know how is going to settle, so worried to save for him. Is this wrong to think, not knowing whom I am hurting, Parents? Guruji? And My country?  Just don’t know, can anybody help me in saying I am doing is right or wrong?

I am sorry being honest is not wrong, but people doesn’t take it like that, they say you are rude, and harsh, is being caring to my son is wrong? I remember people saying Honesty is the best policy, I am just following that, I am sorry if that looks bad, I am just listening to my heart and not my mind though it is money matter.

I think number 2 is my lucky number and never left me, in school being second ranker, top 2 college, 2 love sotries of past,  having 2nd lover and husband, haha, its not funny i know, yea I am going to have 2nd baby as speaking Angels let it me to know. 

Thank you,

J.