Seeking A Promise from my Beholder!! Saturday 26 Feb 2022 - II

A inner voice is singing this song, will you give this promise?

Just cooked the curry ready to eat lunch, I  just saw the time, it is 4. 28 pm Saturday 26 Feb 2022. I don’t realize that it is already evening. I was on off with meditative state. My inner voice saying below lines to Him,  where parvathi is praying to Shiv ji,

“Parvathi ne bhole Shankar ji se,

Suniye Bholenath ji, Rahna hain har  ek janam me mujhe tumhare saath ji, Vachan dhijiye na chodenge kabhi hamare haath ji

O Shambhu naath ji, O Bhole naath ji, O Shankar ji”

(there is a song in youtube with these lyrics)

I need your vachan/promise now.

I just took break and had lunch. Today I didn’t realize what was the time, it is getting worse.

I adore you yazer, I don’t know why you are not able to sense my vibrations.

 I thought I would share few details about him now. Yea he studied in abroad one of the top boarding school, I was always thinking how he could managed to live that far from family. He didn’t liked the food over there, where routine breakfast was oat meal and bread. He likes Indian food especially rice and meat. In last days before departing the country for his career he was like never looking at me and there was no reason to gat talk to him. So I thought if I buy his car I would atleast get few mins of talk, and see from near, as he was selling his car, I took it without a second thought, though price was bit high and even  I couldn’t afford. Finally I got 5 mins at bank for the transfer of his car, yes exactly 5 mins with a feet distance between us, I felt like I am in Heaven, couldn’t look at him but felt his presence. Thank you Yazer for that time you have given me. On the last meet with him while giving the check for car, I couldn’t see myself with rolling tears which couldn’t come out, where I dumped in heart not letting out. I just gave check , he took and I was looking at him he didn’t say a word and just left with a hiding smile and I didn’t even wish him good luck, my mind was blank. On the last day at his office while leaving, there was send off, there was a game planned, I was also asked to play, as i changed the project. I was like no, I wont play with him, he never talked to me and leaving me ruthlessly, where I made everything for him. But few of my friends forced me to play, then I joined, then also I didn’t get to part of his partner, bad luck. After Game, i was leaving to my cubicle, I heard a voice form him “Aunty”. It really hurted me, was it he made joke of love with me all these days, It confused me did he really loved and needed me. Then I was at his cubicle my friend called me for a chat, then my anger couldn’t control as it spared my son’s life, I said Fu****ff. I couldn’t even see his face, he was like giving a final look at me. I didn’t even turn to see him. I don’t understand my anger was right or wrong? That one comment really broke my heart. I couldn’t control my tears on that day at office.

Yea he came back after few months where I was in custody with treatment, to see me at kind of jail. I know it is hospital. I saw him there he came with his dad and friend, I could see all three of them from window. He pulled me through the wall and hugged me,  there was not anything to separate our souls. Then I felt like he will talk to me, but then also he left without talking to me, I was like again heart break, not knowing he came for me. The story after that I will cover later.

August 26 is his birthday, the birthday in 2012, he was like missing me, calling me “DPDT”, it Is one of the process deliverable, which we were working on, then he returned on afternoon, I was like not wishing him, because the day before he shouted at me and made an argument, questioning me though I didn’t do anything wrong, he just said “don’t walk away while I am talking”. I really got scared with high voice shouting infront of the colleagues. I was like everyone will feel its my mistake, and I did something wrong. Yesterday he was saying that heI was like abusing me, wanted to talk to you.I thought its ok.

I was always making him not  to think of me, ignore all his  jestrues and comments, sometimes he was like trying to talk to me. The reason I kept him far because I was married with a kid, how wil  I think of any other man when I am married. Its out of my thing, I cant cheat my husband, how will i. Yes thats why it took more than 2 years to accept him. I just want him to realize the reason for that long time.

On one day, my X husband was angry at me and slapped me for the reason I asked him to buy a exercise cycle that costed 100$, then he was not working and it was me working. I couldn’t concentrate on my work on that day and I left office in the noon and took my son from day care and was crying in  my bed room. The next day he(yazer) was like, why are you sad? Few days before I gave a speech on a topic how to love  husband, when he is not loving me, I dld like we should love and mould him to make love for a happy married life. Yazer was like what stupid talk you are saying,  I thought he is like I am talking some thing which is not correct. I don’t know, I just  wanted to  make my married life happy. He might have thought  like I am spending on him to change him.

Yazer drinks a lot, I could see him in a get together, he was like already finished two glasses, where everyone is having the first one. Yea  I don’t drink, I don’t like, the reason maybe it is something like uncultured if a women drinks. On his brthday in 2013,  he got his tone worse cant even speak, he had drinked a lot, he was saying like some middle east stuff. Yea I was listening to his talk when he was sayin g all these to my colleague, I didn’t gave a look but my mind was seeing him only, and he got angry also that I even looked at him, I said I am thinking of you only, I didn’t wanted to upset him on his birthday.

On Valentines day in 2014,I wished him and asked him you got any girl friend, he said no, then I wished him You will find your true love very soon. Actually I don’t know whether he got what I was saying, I was sayin g him that I will soon be with you. Why I asked that is he doing time pass and just flirting, so I wanted to make sure whether he is loving me sincerely.

I feel life on earth is heaven for few and hell for few. Now as my health is getting worse, I feel like hell without a job here in US. So idea of Euthanasia is not bad, I don’t want my son face any trouble.

With that I want to stop writing for today lot of office work which is pending, not able to concentrate with peoples chat n mind, getting  tense what will happen, as people are dying over there in War. Yes Russia crossed their limits putting bombs on civilians, it is brutal and someone should stop him. I feel he  has reached his bad karma, now God has to throw him out from his power or from this earth. Yes I feel idea of how US killed Osama Bin Laden, he must be killed, I don’t want to see any war killing common people. There must  be a undercover op, by all countries together kill only Putin. Yes it can be happened, I fell it will be a assassination only. Yes we both are trying to end this war soon.

Time 5.47pm.

Author's Note

Please dont embarras me as i was old and was in wed lock, for having feelings over Him, I just had true feelings for Him.

Reviews

[M. J. Smith]

Jessy, a jerk is a jerk. And perhaps I've been one to you. I learned a kind of rough independence on the road. And sometimes the way I interact with others just doesn't come across properly. But if he doesn't love you then the fault is not yours. Ask yourself honestly, woman to woman, what you want most in life. What makes Jessy Jessy? The answer may surprise the whole world. I read your sadness. I also read the strength of a true warrior, not just a survivor, bit a fighter. What will you do to win this battle?

[JessyJacob]

Thank you for understanding me what I am going through. I think I should stop thinking of him, and focus on my personal life and my son. I was talking to my son 4 hours back, I couldn’t focus on my son taking, I was like distracted by your review notes on my writing. My son thought I was sleeping because I closed my eyes sitting in chair. It’s fine. I just slept after he had cut the call, he could have talked some more time he got pissed off and had cut the call. Every note you made me to think what I did 4 years back. Never mind, it’s just life and not the issue of death. I do really care for reading all my work giving sincere opinions and relating to my life. I don’t know what I need but I think self care only makes me to be what I am. I think it was entirely my mistake for not understanding him. Don’t worry I am fine. I don’t want to disturb him and I also will not get disturbed. Life is short few more days and time will pass like anything and much faster. We just need to be content with what we have. I don’t think it is cultural clash, I am older to him I should have stretched my heart further. It’s fine someone may enter into my life who needs me. I am fine.