My Past and Present!! Thursday 24 Feb 2022!

Me, An entrapped Universe with Ultimate Aadi purush, stretching from Aakash to the core of earth.

I am writing to this autobiography to let Him know how much He was to me. A pigeon sitting on my basement window top looking at me. See the pic

 This inspired me to start this today and now Feb 24, 2022 4.21pm CST. I want to write every detail what I went through with him, even dark shades, which He wants me to express out, so kindly don’t misunderstand me for being myself as woman,  I don’t write it in public wall, But there is no other way to tell Him as all doors to Him are closed now and I cant trespass even,  yeah it is our commitment to stay far but also bind together.

It was after I recovered and stopped my pills which used to block my true emotions, which made me to realize which all happened between July 25 2012 to Feb 24, 2022, yes that is all long time almost 10 years, a decade, a much time, to be matured enough to realize the things that happened during the time.

Yes these writings should help me figuring out my mistakes and His mistakes, what went wrong and what could have been made better and also how deep our love filled with devotion and dedication to each other. Yea, I want to be with that One guy in every birth I take.  I just want to make Him feel that I may not have expressed properly in words, expressions and speech.

Today I let out all my tears with my inner soul with my real senses and emotions all in balance, where pills used to imbalance my true emotions, where I was missing Him, “why did you leave me, was it my mistake, Did I not  make you feel that I need you, You could have married me, you could have been with me, how could you move on with some one, I cant think of any man other than you, it is difficult for me to think that you are gone for this life and never gonna come in my life, I just felt like it was like separation of body, I closely felt emotions of how people cry when they see their loved ones body that laid over without senses, which cannot move again for this life time. It is horrible pain, where my heart consoled me saying that he is there may not be with you, sometime thinking of me and missing me and I see from far him asking me not to cry anymore. Everything went well, you did it he is sayin in my mind. I don’t know what I did but maybe something has happened for a New Beginning, Pranava Nadam, Pravama vedam, Omkaram, the Shiva and Parvathi ruling again this world, after a severe Yagnya that started in 2007 where we both entered this Beautiful country. And we met physically in 2012, a year which,  a prophecy was in everyones mind will there be end of this world, A final judgement, A man with her woman on horse riding clears the evil-Kali �" in human brain, the end of Kali yuga and beginning of sathya yuga.

There are so many stories which I am going to explain in defferent parts.

Yea He left and moved on in 2017, which I couldn’t realize until later 2021 sometime in june/july where I came to know that he got married in febn 2020, right after Covid pandemic in India. He married a Indian origin, may be different religions, but same generation. I was like very old to Him both in age and culture wise, lot of difference in thinking but I know He some how liked the old culture which is rooted in Him, which He feel like grand mother type, And he feels me as A girl that Time had forgotten. I think I belong to that generation where I was like too strict, too emotional, too dedicated, and too disciplined, some of these torns bit him which I feel made Him to leave me. I don t know that was my mistake, but these are true emotions which  are such that the tie/knot will never break, which is a strong foundation and basis for long life. I know now people are so fragile gets easily broken, looks for another a replacement, and still feels he/she may not be the right person, and break relations that easily. I see this is a current worls’d issue and I wonder people are not getting married and its funny that people are writing contract to stay together and giving birth to kids with out a wedlock.

Probably he might have not realized that I am adjusting and can change few things for His sake, but he has not given me a chance and did not make me to realize that, I feel he is quickly moved on where he has dedicated lot of time almost two years to make me feel His love. It is still enigmatic for me the reason for his move on, based on his writing he felt like I didn’t accepted him what he is. This is not true I accepted Him what he is. To be Honest I am that kind of character which is like 1947 time and may be little older too like time of Kings. So his way of meaning and living the life is entirely not acceptable for me but Somehow in my heart I was seeing his ony love to me. He dated so many and feels I freaq at him but no, maybe I look serious and couldn’t laughat his jokes and jestures, which were like me trying to understand what he is doing. But makes me laugh inside later. I think that is what which made him to feel  I am not so lovable and serious. He is like child, but over matured to his age and he feels the same and says “what did you say I am not kid”. It makes me feel sad that he and others says he looks old to his age, I didn’t felt like that when I first saw on the first day of office, where my supervisor visited him, I just thought he is like American, where he was in his high pitch saying ‘Sorry’ asking my supervisor to repeat, I was like touching his voice and calm down why  are you so loud and not respecting elders, then I thought He has not grown in India.

I wonder how is having friendship with his cheddy buds right from 4 years, I don’t know exactly, didn’t they fight any time, and still goes together all four, that is a great commitment to be together. Now I feel cultural differences are not the reasons, he has adjusted with them for this long time, he could have been with me too, maybe I am serious kind, but I am not, I have written all my thoughts which I didn’t liked and trying to explain that was during my anger from a sould which I was transforming, but I am not the same person, if he could have seen me in my bachelors 1997, he would have not thought about me like that, because I was like very cool, and stable without anger, but he saw me during transition, that  energy which I was taking in is different, and even when we were together in office, he knows that, that’s why only he was like trying to impress me. So this is not my mistake and it’s the time of exam where it made him to feel and stop his few things, which I didn’t sense that and I felt later that its really too much for me to expect from him , which can be ignored. I am sorry yazer( I just tease him by calling him so), that time was too tough on me, which  I couldn’t have done, but it is for everyone, we made it final changes to Soul, that was accepted by Mother kali, remaking the Human soul. All these are my perceptions, only He can tell and other great gurus, can confirm, so you have to find what happened actually.

So with that tough time, he left me, which I also misunderstood him, and thought overly as my brain was hallucinating much and he also made me to think more, about his past, which was not real, I thought if he cannot forget his past, I thought I may be in between them and was thinkingof them being together, I went into turiya(  a deep meditative state), leaving my body but people wanted me back, so I came out of that, later my parents took me to doctor because whole day my brain was hallucinating. After that I had the option to go back and be with my son, but still thinking that he might have not left me and soon he will talk to me. When I was with my son, I was jobless and was difficult, I saw him in my pain, “come here”, I got jog in India and I moved there, so I was assuming he is still loving me and going to be with me forever. And sometimes he was like come home, I don’t know any of his details, but luckily I found his home address and had send the gifts to  him and his  family, gifts were not returned so I thought he will talk to me. Few days later I went to his home, it was like  shocking, His mom called by my name Usuriel, even without seeing me coming in, I felt like how does she know, maybe she was expecting because I mailed him that I am coming to home on that day. She was on bed, I don’t know that she cant move, and later realized why the reason why she is not there in her sisters wedding group photo. She was like talking “yazer, karris, and both”  and something”  it really confused what she is talking. Their maid was seeing Yazer was there in morning and he left early. After few seconds his Dad asked me” so you came to see us, and c an you come out, I was like scaring “yea I came to see you al”l, and I came out , and my bag was lying beside him, and he said if you cant leav within 5 mins I have to take serious action, and yazer doesn’t knoe me and not interested in me, I was like what? Yea I am sick, and he asked me again “haan what? Yes  I am sick I don’t know what is going on with me and I am living in my own thought. I said I don’t know how to go, can you help me till outside to auto, then he called his watchman, please drop her  till where she can find auto. Then I left without saying anything and asking anymore questions. I was guessing Yazer was there listening to this, but I didn t see him. I am writing all facts so that people can trust me. So dont get offended and don’t think that I am letting out all things which may make them see bad. Later also I thought he might talk to me, as I was seeing his voices in me, yea this is a kind of schizophrenic behavior which touhed me and made a different from normal hmans, I was beign medicated right from graduating from college, 2001. A tragedy took place, yes a heart break, but the person was not true to his nature, and finally seeked Lord Krishna as my soul savior.

I am jumping from topics in and out sorry for that, because I am writing in this beautiful day after logging out from work, and not feeling hungry but only his thoughts and memories, out there is a beautiful cloudy weather raining a little, and may be snow little later.  I am in my small den, yea  I sawhim today in the morning it was like video sorry lol, TV monitor advanced clarity exceeding samsung’s I was like with him and coming out from a den, where the back cheetah was at the door welcoming us, and he took me too the great Guru Babaji, yea he was like so good you are fine and be like that. Yea I was controlled by Him, the anger soul in my heart, and let me out from being too much anger, and I was like  calm down after that, I was like don t leave my and be in my soul, and make my mind better without hallucinations,  I have to live for my son, and take care of my self, if I am like this I cant work, and even if I take pills, I wont be good at office work, I don’t have any option to survive in india, and my son will be missing me, I cant even die without him, and can t leave him alone, though he has his dad and step mom, as he still feels alone in that home and thinks stepmom and her kids occupied their home. So please I want my health back,  make me normal and give me strength to handle my life. Be with me Yazer, I need you don t leave me. It was eveyone’s wish and also one great devotee , saying “ don’t leave shiva amma, be with him, then I suddenly was like are you leaving me, don t leave me, he said I am not, I am with you taking care of you and your son. Later I realized Vishitadwaitham which explains, God, Gurus and normal humans, at three levels. This siddanta was explained by Sri Ramanuja chary, the firat vaishnava Guru, whom, if we say we are his servants,then lord Vishnu would release form our probems very easily. After that  I realized why he said in a presentation by him about gandhiji, during our time in USA. “Yazer’s feet”. I don’t know why he said that, it was confusing and couldn t find out what he meant by that, now I realized, I kept a pic of Girl at lord Vishnu’s feet, with lines of “Nana venkatesam nanatho, sada venkatesam smarami smaram, hari venkatesam prasidda prasidda i, and also I think “ sarva dharmani parithejya mamekam saranam varaja aham thva sarva papebhyo mokshayushami”. This is the charama slokam, which is to be chanted at the end of your travel to hell/heaven, so that God releaves all your sins.

Now I feel hungry it is 5.59pm, and my eyes are little tired though I sleep, I am waking up early in the morning at 3.30 am nowadays chanting gayrti mantra for 1.5 hrs,  which is healing my illness as I stopped my pills. I haven’t moved on till now, and also will not think of secdnweddign and will continue my journey with his sookshm presenc and with my son, I know he is in my soul.

 I will continue in my next chapter. I  have to read this and correct typo and grammar mistakes, yea he says why you are so particular in grammar and spellings like his Dad, yes his Dad also finds mistake in his spellings like me,  I too find few things of him same typo.

Have fun, wait for my next chapter I don’t know when I am going to write maybe to night or tomorrow or weekend. Yes this writng all my past,  is really good making me as if I am with him and his family. I miss him and his family too.

Reviews

[M. J. Smith]

I'm not Indian. I'm just a half educated hillbilly, The Drifter. But if my reading is correct, sounds like you were dealing with depression, drugs, addiction, and a crisis in spirit. Now, out on the road, there was me and there was God. I prayed to the Holy Virgin. I wrote poetry. And one night, I knew the time had come to go back and go to school. So, I did. But The Drifter remains in my soul. I'm sorry your path has been so rough. May peace find you. Clear skies and open roads, my friend.

[JessyJacob]

Thank you!!

[Coyote Poetry]

Thank you dear Jessy. I liked the way you expressed life and the things we must accept. Life is a wild journey. It seems, we never get what we want. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Coyote

[JessyJacob]

Hi Coyote, thank you for leaving your reply, Life is not a wild journey. He thought we can change things and can get what we want. We both did to that extent and achieved our destination, due to misunderstanding, He left me, he could have told and be with me, but he didnt. Thats why I am writing all these, so that I can be with him. I am gonna write last chapter, now, he is again not keeping his word. If you say we never get what we want, then He would have not entered into my life, where I had to loose my son for him. I think I cant agree what you are saying.

[Coyote Poetry]

You are welcome Jessy. I liked your words and thoughts.

[JessyJacob]

Thank you. Chanda Suraj lakhon taare…, I like this song, new hope. It feels good someone really cares for me and needs me.

[JessyJacob]

I guess today is his second wedding anniversary!, i dont know how to feel sad or happy for Him ! May God bless them, yes he is kind of enemy and also beloved, So God bind us together through out our travel paths, Dont explode my heart with nuclear bombs which i feel so, where it is making my heart without life again. I can forgive you for this Life but not anymore, I miss Him alot.