Living A Nightmare

A nights worth of tossing and turning. That’s what it’s come to these days. I keep hearing his voice. A voice so cold and haunting. I can never see a man the way I have before. It’s like his face is plastered on any other man out there. If he wanted me to hate, he has succeeded. Because that’s all I feel now. Pure hatred for that monster, and all I seek for is revenge. I want him to hurt the way I have, be humiliated and feel ashamed. I’m ashamed because this is what I have been warned about my whole life. My mother told me of these men and I was one to fall for him. His smile, how he was easy on the eyes and so charming. I thought it was going to be an innocent night but he had other thoughts in mind. I should have thought all the scenarios through, what might have happened but my thoughts we’re clouded that night. I was intoxicated and reckless. The perfect target. His target and now he’s mine.

I haven’t spoken to anyone about that night. I can’t imagine what pity I’ll receive from them. I’d pity another with this story, and I’m not in the mood for pity. I toss to my side and look over to my alarm clock. 3.23 A.M. I pick my pillow up and toss it over my face. Smothering myself along with washing the tears that begin to clutter my eyes. The memory of that night creeps in my thoughts once more. I hear my cries and his laughs. My skin begins to burn where I was touched and finally I’ve had enough. I run to my bathroom and hurl. Since that night there was no food in my system. I can’t hold anything down. He’s got me sick to my stomach. I’ve never been more disgusted in my life till it all has happened. A man like him acts on needs alone, regardless of who will be used. That isn’t even a man. It’s a monster.

I want to find comfort in my bed once more, I have been sleep deprived and hungry ever since. I can’t even look my roommate in the eyes anymore. He knows there’s something wrong but I can’t speak to him. At every moment when he comes near my body stiffens and feels cold instantly, his voice makes my bones cringe, and just a laugh puts memories in my head, leaving tears peaking at the corners of my eyes. I’ve been tainted with scarring each existing relationship with anyone, but that has to change.

Sitting on the cold bathroom floor I hear my roommates footsteps creak outside on the old wooden floors in our little ranch style home. It’s an old home but we like to keep it up to date. Unfortunately we didn’t get to the flooring just yet. I hear him call from outside the door,

Leah? Are you okay in there?

I sit there in silence a little while longer, aware he’s still out there. I begin to sob a little in my arms as I curdle up in a ball. Swaying back and forth wanting to find some comfort tonight, but how can you find comfort in yourself knowing you’re completely broken? Knowing the creatures that lurk in the shadows at night? The lengths others will go to find a way to satisfy their needs?

He bangs on the door softly, making me jump from my skin.

Leah, please talk to me. Please let me help you.

If only it was that easy, to graciously accept the help but how when I can’t look at him. He’s been my friend since high school and throughout college. We have lived together since we’ve left high school, but why can’t I look into my best friends eyes without seeing him? Look in any man’s eyes without looking into a demons.

He wiggles the door knob hoping it was open. My body stiffens and my mind mentally prepares for a fight but my heart knows it isn’t needed. I take a breath and stand in front of the mirror. Breathe, I remind myself, just breathe. Clearing my voice,

I’m okay I say just a little wearily.

Knowing that isn’t enough to convince him I step to the door. Opening it I see him leaning on the door frame crossing his legs and arms arching his eyebrow. I turn my eyes quickly away and focus on something else, anything but his eyes. He was so easy on the eyes and I fell for it. His sly laugh at my every joke that night, he kept buying me rounds and rounds of whiskey. I was reckless and naïve.

Leah, he says.

My eyes follow his voice to his lips. I don’t look at his eyes just watch his lips move.

Talk, now.

He’s right, I’ve never held onto secrets from him, not this long and he’s always managed to help me spill but this is no secret I’m hiding from him, it’s my nightmare that I’m living in front of him. I shove past him through the living room with tears soaring down my face. Leaving a burning path, staining each cheek. I walk to my room and he watches me as I close the door behind me. It’s not that easy. There is no helping me. The only way to help me is to bring that monster to me.

I sit at the edge of my bed and look to my floor. My dress from that night sits there still in the same spot, ripped and torn, stained from the blood. I didn’t want to touch it, still don’t want to. So I’ll leave it. I know I have to face Austin in the morning but right now I just want to feel myself slowly shatter from the silence I’m left with. A story that scares me to death to tell. Will I seem weak? Vulnerable? A victim? That’s what it will come down to. Living here in Alabama my whole life, thinking if I’d stay close to home I’d be safe. When I was accepted in The University of Alabama, I was excited because I can stay near my mother, but I figured I’d move a little closer to the university with Austin. He’d be my roommate and my protection, but that didn’t work out to my advantage at all.

Austin and I decided before all happened that we’d drive back home to see our parents. It’s about a two hour drive and I am not in the mood to talk. I lay back on my bed and think of my mother. What would she do? Who would she tell? Who should I tell? Austin? My mother has all the answers so I’m pretty excited about tomorrow morning. Laying back on my bed afraid to close my eyes I hear his laugh again. Sending me back to that dreadful night. Like I’m reliving it over and over. Sweat poured down my body while I lay in my bed frozen. Laying there hearing my cries from that night arousing this man that now haunts my everyday life makes me whimper. Sometimes I try not to breathe but I know now it’s impossible to suffocate yourself, even when you feel yourself suffocating throughout life. I try to go on day by day and push the thoughts away from my mind but then I feel his mouth on me, such a sinful kiss. My skin burns under his saliva, I would scrub my body and still feel dirty, contaminated. Laying here in bed, knowing that I’m alone but yet still feel scared. He’s gone already but I can’t help but tremble. I begin to cry once more, something that’s come so easily to me. The tears stain my cheeks and I begin to violently shake under my tears and sweat. Then finally at last I closed my eyes once more. Aware of the nightmare that lies ahead, I sleep.