Death

My body is just future ash scattered across the universe,

Bones bleached white by the dry hot sun.

The future of all that is to come, and all that will be.

For told by the fate of many before me,

Like moths to dust,

We are but a short breath of the universe,

On a long cold night,

Like warm condensation on glass,

Left only for a moment,

To vanish in an instant.

Reviews

[Gee]

Indeed, our lives gone in an instant, in the grand scheme of things, and then when gone remembered by 1 generation if lucky.( That is unless we manage to achieve something worth passing through the generations to come)
Good morning Jessica, hope all is well stateside

[Jessica]

Thank You! I hope you are doing well as well.

[Alan]

Cool. I like dark writes. This is certainly another interpretation of 'death'. I like it...though if I may induce some constructive critique;
I would like to think that what was in your mind came out as what is seen, there is nothing wrong with that. What I see are a couple things to think about for future writes, but I do not want you to get the impression that I'm better then you or anyone. I will wait to see if you are interested to know what I see.
Like I wrote earlier...this is a good poem. Kudos!

[Jessica]

What is it that you think? I'm curious.I may or may not agree, but i would like to hear what you have to say.

[Alan]

Okay...well, here goes. I am new to this site but have been writing for a long time, I am not perfect in anyway and I'm sure I still make mistakes.
When I read a poem I attempt to connect with the content on some level, the better a poem is written the easier it is to connect. I see in this poem you got caught in the trap of using commas after almost every line. Unfortunately too many commas actually disrupts the flow of the poem.
Also the subject of the poem should remain a constant. You started by describing yourself and your 'body'..'as future ash', but then in the middle you changed the subject to a speaking for all situation, "We are but a short breath of the universe".
I truly hope I in no way offended you, that is not my intent. If I have then I deeply apologize. If you wish to write back and tell me 'where to go' I would not be offended. I should like to read more of your work.

[Alan]

If you have a moment and would like to read something of mine that would be great.

[Jessica]

Yeah I disagree, this poem got tons of retweets on Twitter, death is both something that happens to me and everyone the poem is about mortality and the reality of it. It's true for me as the writer of the poem and everyone else. Everyone suffers the same fate. I like to use interesting metaphors in my poems. I try to speak about universal topics but do it in a interesting and different. I'm sorry it didn't resonate with you but you can't please all the people all the time,

[Alan]

That's fine. I simply gave constructive criticism. Again not faulting the poem as a poem. I meant no ill will. Write on..I'm sure you will find the success you are looking for. Btw, I appreciate the fact that you didn't actually tell me to go to hell..LOL.