the little sparrow.

 I felt no lips against my own

all the love I knew was home

friends will seem to sprout their wings

the one left behind is left to cling

to the streets and town that calls to mind

a cage with little sparrow confined.

 

falling into my bodies dance

unable to understand

I can't seem to find the word

something felt but never heard

I thought you were the dead living

I opened up and tried slinging

myself into a world with faults

a world where I was not made of bolts

 

I hold no regrets none i have

even when the strangers laugh

for beauty is a thing within the battered

Life lasts longer when your soul has staggered

blind mans buff for the man who see

Is as futile as you and me

 

 

little sparrow with velvet wings open

I'll find my nest and I shall show them.

Reviews

[Anima Inspired]

This is really a very nicely written piece. I enjoyed the ideas laid out by your words and descriptions, and the form was nicely done. With that said, there are a few things I think could be changed to make the flow better...

falling into my bodies movements
not knowing how to move them. (small thing, but with "movements" is the previous line, "move" sticks out and breaks the flow a little)

I thought i saw the living dead.
everything but me was not instead.
--I see what you're trying to do here...to say that everything was alive and YOU were actually the living dead, but the double negative makes the flow really tough here...I'd find a different way to word it.

--Punctuation problems....

I felt no lips against my own(,)
all the love I knew was home(.)
(F)riends will seem to sprout their wings(,)
the one left behind is left to cling
to the streets and town that calls to mind
a cage with little sparrow confined.


(F)alling into my bodies movements(,)
not knowing how to move them.
I can't seem to find the word(,)
something felt but never heard.
I thought i saw the living dead(,)
everything but me was not instead.


I hold no regrets(,) none i have(,)
even when the strangers laugh.
(F)or beauty is a thing within the battered(,)
life lasts longer when your soul has staggered.
(B)lind mans buff (do you mean "bluff") for the man who see
Is as futile as you and me.

(L)ittle sparrow with velvet wings open,
I'll find my nest and I shall show them.


--So, just some punctuation and capitalization issues...the rule is usually, either you use proper punctuation, or don't use any at all...either would really work in this piece (you could take it all out completely and be fine too).

Overall...I did enjoy this, and it has lots of potential. You have a nice poetic voice, and I look forward to reading more from you.

[Lindsey:)]

You did a really good job.
So bittersweet.
I loved it!
-lindsey

[A Spectacular Case]

This is one of the few poems i have read where somebody has managed to use rhyme well, and not make it sound young.
Well done.

[The Autumn Faerie]

It's almost heart-breaking, you know...
I feel very sorry for this sparrow.
I do hope he finds his nest,
for I should like to see...

~Raye

[An owl on the moon]

Such a beautiful, bittersweet work of freedom and captivity. You paint a vivid picture of a life in search of a brighter tomorrow...

Craig

[Sam Summers]

wow. one of the best 'first person animal metaphor' poems ive read. i really like the first line, it lets you know what youre in store for.

now jig me