Poison Ivy.

my life would make a very boring autobiography.... it would sell less that jodie marsh's...XD

“I am afraid to show you who I really am, because if I show you who I really am, you might not like it and that's all I got.”
I guess I’ve always had a dark side to my personality controlled by the sirens of sins….
I’m like a broken jigsaw puzzle growing dust.
The reason I become the idea of the seven deadly sins is by simply trying to resist one….
From the age of about five to the age of unluckiness I was what one thinks of when they think of a gluten. I was greedy & cared just for myself…
I was heavily bullied in primary with no one to talk to & my brother went down the same line…
I’d always indulged in food to make myself happy, but I realised that it was making me just feel worse.
Like a snake winding round my arms winding me up & dragging me into dingy deeps.
I decided I’d finally do something about it & so I did…..
I started the gym & tried walking places.
I soon made friends when I started looking more presentable which added insult to injury in this mature Childs heart…
The moment I changed for others was the first time I was accepted….
I’d succumb to peer pressure & the sin of Envy made my cheeks match my Ogilvie blazer….
I realised that this was the only way I could be happy & that’s where It all went wrong……
I developed an eating disorder.
Vainness perhaps or maybe I just craved to finally be loved…..
I’d been born with something that made me feel like I was in my own world….
It was like I was a party ring while everyone was a jammy dodger & it had isolated me from young age….
Sometimes I’d lay awake at night just listening to the same song over & over again which made me feel I wasn’t alone.
I found ways to cope with these burning desires to be someone else through music & art perhaps the only things I truly love besides my family….
I could be as green as the eyes in my head ,but
When I drew it didn’t matter how I or the model looked….
All art is beautiful the faults are the shinning touches to a portrait.
Since I was the young I had always been envious of others….
Throughout primary I constantly compared myself to other children, picking away at the tiniest little detail…..
I cessed to be a person through my deep , deep envy & instead I was just an error in the fabric of life…
This was more that a simple repent able sin.
It robbed me of my childhood & of my pre-teens.
I went on like this till I developed the disorder & I still do wish I Could be another person…..
I wish My friends liked me more.
I wish I wasn’t bullied sometimes on the bus to school for simply liking a different genre of music & having weird hair.
And I wished I didn’t feel so alone…..
Eventually my envious personality started to cut me up like a nasty tough to eat steak.
One morning I just woke up and felt good.
It was weird like being born again.
This brand new being on earth taking that first gulp of air.
I went to school with a smile for once & just lived…
Envy is a insult unto oneself;
I Started to notice that even if I was being the most horrid and nasty I could to someone it would never be as hurtful as how I treated myself.
I’m always going to hate how I am and look ,but I think that things are going to get a bit better from now on.
Whatever doesn’t kill me will only make my stronger….
I don’t think I will ever be able to stop myself from “sinning”
As its at the base of my being.
Sometimes I still wish I could just sit and do nothing else forever ,but that wouldn’t do……
I’d rather suffer and love it.
“the knowledge of sin is the beginning of salvation”
This quote must be the ultimate example of what I ma as threw this terrible phase of unhappiness I will eventually find that thing I Have desperately been searching for
The greenness has faded and in its place Is this new child.
Salutations new wide world……..
I want to walk in the snow And not leave a footprint I want to walk in the snow And not soil its purity. 

Reviews

[Oxonian]

I hope that you have really found yourself - though we change so much through our lives and grow in so many different ways.

"I am afraid to show you who I really am, because if I show you who I really am, you might not like it and that's all I got."

I identified with the line, but then many do. We all have insecurities and doubts no matter how successful or confident we seem.

"I'm always going to hate how I am and look ,but I think that things are going to get a bit better from now on."

I hope that you learn not to hate but to love how you look.

"Whatever doesn't kill me will only make my stronger�."

Are you sure you don't have black blood. That sentiment used to be hammered into us when we were little. That and "What doesn't poison fattens."

99% of us will leave no footprints in history, but it is not important, what is important is how those who care and know us feel.

Tahnks for sharing.

Harry

[Sam Summers]

"It was like I was a party ring while everyone was a jammy dodger" you do have some amazing metaphores. again, im asuming this is autobiographical, which makes you a very brave person to put this out. i guess im sort of the opposite. i dont obsess over my own aspects, i obsess over other people. well, 'obsess over' and 'fall in love with' are closely related terms in my mind. anyway, back to the point, excellent story.

[laughingwolf]

yes, seems each child goes through their own hell on the road to 'maturity', whatever that is

glad you no longer dislike yourself, it's the only you you have, or ever will

trying to be what others expect robs yourself of that you, as well

the old saw: to thine own self, be true... never rang so truly

i 'fixed' the things in me i could, and wanted to, then decided the rest of me had to stay as it was, and to hell with what 'they' wanted of me...

sure it was lonely, but that gave me time/space to hone things that mattered, to me... art/music/writing

at which point i decided "i" was most important to "me", and in order for me to be of 'benefit', dare i say, 'love', to another, first i had to come to terms with who i was... that i was better than 'ok', and, deep down, i was a 'good' person, and at least worthy of my own love

that being the case, once i could love the new me, i could transfer similar love to another

blessings to you on your path, my friend

-tony