Jigsaw falling into place.

life is like a crooked TV game show. Just as you’re about to win a trip to Japan you end up getting a toaster instead. The challenges we, as people face define us. Man is an animal that becomes human from experience,love,rejection & hate. Sometimes we’re faced with things that tempt to alter us completely.
I was born with xx chromosomes, which I assume makes me male…
I was clumsy & felt “wrong” kinda like Pinocchio when he tries walking at first & falls down a set of stairs.
I wished I was like matilda as a kid, but the only power I developed was the ability to make food disappear instantaneously.
I was also born with aspergers a form of autism.
Aspergers Or “a*s burgers” as my brother often describes it as is a condition which to be blunt is like having yourself stuck in a bubble.It affects countless children ever year yet only a small minority of the population even know what it is.
It causes the person to have problems with learning & social situations often causing them to feel extremely isolated.
It feels at times like being a robot & trying to develop human emotions. I’ve never had a best friend thanks to it & even my friends now are realizing they don’t want to know a paranoid android.
“Aspies” often have obsessions & fixate over things. My brother who also has it is nuts about superheroes & drawing for instance.
Mines are more peculiar…
Alongside art & writing I’m very keen on psychology, any time from the twenties to the eighties & very bizarre music.
I dress myselfs in lyrics & poetry;
A la Sylvia Plath et Morrissey.
Aspies often become very depressed & in a way having a slighter form of autism is worse as you can see you’re unable to do certain things no matter how hard you try.
A thing that give me hope & ambition is the fact countless “aspies” go on to do something great.
Biill gates & Andy Warhol are both sufferers of the condition, but the aspies I most look up to are Gary Numan who embraced his through music & Ludwig van Beethoven who practically defined it!!!!
Aspergers makes me feel totally unique and proud about my achievements as it takes hard work to keep it together.
It makes me feel distant at times too although other times you feel like you’re the most amazing person in the world…..
Then you get slagged or rejected by someone & that monstrous side grabs you if its tentacles & drags you to the ocean floor. 
Theres a few people I AM comfortable with such as my friends sean,siabhon,niall & Kathy.I wish to reach out and hug everyone one in a room often but instead I just sit there unable to harbour the drive to do it….
I have to admit I prefer the companie of adults. Adolescence for me has been like listening to the hoosiers on a loop ;torture.
Which is not to say I never got out of my prison cell Or that I reached my arms through the bars to feel the crisp brisk air.I did & those times where wonderful.
Often I wish that I’d been born right with a brain that is’nt square shapped to everyone elses round one.If that was the cause though I’d be a very boring human being.
Aspergers in young women such as myself is drastic to that in boys.Its often more concealed as girls deal with emotions not any better than boys ,but can hide their anxieties and fears.
I have learned painfully from experience, in areas ranging from learning to friends to depression, that no matter how hard I try, attempting to learn by imitating others is just not going to cut it. When trying to pronounce new sounds, I must be shown explicitly how to produce them--just hearing them from others will frequently not enable me to say them. Merely watching someone else's continuous movements will not allow me to mimic them--I have to have the steps broken down sequentially, much like how I must have explicit directions on how to get to a new place rather than trying to follow a continuous map.
Every morning I get up, get ready & put on my mask. I go to school. Come home. Go out. go to bed & took off that mask & let my true face show.
when you look at yourself in the mirror and you say your name. And it gets to a point where none of it seems real. Well, sometimes, I can do that, but I don't need an hour in front of a mirror. It just happens very fast, and things start to slip away. And I just open my eyes, and I see nothing. And then I start to breathe really hard trying to see something, but I can't. It doesn't happen all the time, but when it does, it scares me. 
I’ve grown up extremely fast due to my condition & I just pray my adult life will be the childhood I never had.
I’ll ride a bike at the same age as everyone else, play hopscotch, Have that first tender kiss with the one & sit in the snow which if it was the only thing that existed I wouldn’t mind as I could be with all the other snowflakes falling,twirling,flying……
"So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be."

 

Reviews

[Sam Summers]

wow. that was brilliant. it had me almost in tears and that suddenly made me laugh at the hoosiers joke. its an excellent insight into your life and i feel ive known you all of mine. it puts everything into perspective. very well done.

[Alice]

JESS.
I really wish I was in Scotland or you were here. I reckon we'd be so bloody close, we'd have an amazing time.
You'll go on to do something great love, I bet. Gary'll recognise your name =)
There's some gorgeous words here - I love "Just as you're about to win a trip to Japan you end up getting a toaster instead."
I really admire how you've written so eloquently and honestly about something that obviously makes you feel dead vulnerable.
xxx