He Was Just a Boy

College bound, Paige is determined to start a new chapter in her life, until she realizes that she needs to say goodbye to one more person. Her first love.

         The hospital was cold as Paige sat in the waiting room running her fingers through her auburn hair, thinking about what to do next. Old Time and People magazines were spread out across the water-stained coffee table. Paige sat there, wishing she had brought a sweater, or at least wore jeans instead of her denim shorts. She picked at the fringes of denim; they were an old pair, her favorite pair; his favorite pair. These were the pair she wore when they went to the movies on their first date. She wore them when they had picnics at the park and he would stare at her backside when she wasn’t looking, but she always knew when he was checking her out.

            The drive there seemed shorter than it was. Paige had looked up the directions of the treatment center and left earlier than usual to find this place. She also left early to avoid her parents. She had been to the hospital before; it was years ago, when her mother had given birth to her younger sister, Rachel. But she had never been to this part of the hospital before.   

The whole way there she thought about what she would say or do. She wanted to punch him right in the nose, maybe even break it if she were strong enough. She knew she wouldn’t, couldn’t do that, even if he did break her, he was the one who was still in this freezing hell hole. She shut her eyes and tried to picture him without tubes in his throat or looking as white as paper. She thought about the summer and how she liked to lay out and let the sun rest on her skin. He would always tell her, “You’re getting too much sun. It’s not good for you.”

            “Who are you here to see, Miss?”

Paige opened her eyes and saw a woman in bright green scrubs standing in front of her.

“I’m here to see Brent Saunders,” she said, feeling his name leave her lips. She felt as though she was speaking a foreign language; saying his name as though it was her first time.  

The nurse looked at her and smiled. Paige stared back, wondering if the smile was out of welcome or pity. Did she know how Brent was doing? Did she feel sorry for Paige for not knowing how bad he was?   

            “Alrighty, he’s doing well today. You caught him on a good day. They moved him to the fourth floor, though. He just came out of chemo about two hours ago. He’s in room 20D.”

            Elevator music played in the background as Paige stood in the elevator. When it stopped at the fourth floor all she felt like doing was pushing button one, walking out of the hospital, and going back home. Could she do this? If one of her friends would’ve told her one year ago that she would be in a hospital seeing him she wouldn’t have believed it. She also wouldn’t have believed that they would be broken up, either. To her, he would always be the guy who drove a beat up red pick-up truck too fast and ran all the red lights in town. He was the guy her parents never wanted her to be around. In the end, they were right about him. 

            She stepped out of the elevator and walked past other patients as she thought about endless trips to the old quarry where the two of them would talk for hours about everything from careers to baby names. It wasn’t that long ago, but to Paige, it felt like decades. Before graduation or SAT’s, before acceptance letters, back when just holding hands was enough for the both of them to be happy.

            His door was closed when Paige stood in front of it, still hesitant on whether or not to go in. She placed her ear on the door and listened for anything. Something that would let her know he was himself. But there was no loud rock music playing from his room, or laughter from him and his friends. She didn’t even hear him yelling, something he usually did towards the end of  

their relationship. For the first time, he was quiet. Paige pushed her hair out of her face and walked into the hospital room.

            It wasn’t so bad. It was still freezing, but he didn’t have any tubes in his throat like she had prepared herself to see. To be honest, he looked normal. If it wasn’t for his beanie, Paige would’ve thought he was playing hooky and this whole cancer thing was a lie. This time though, she knew he was telling the truth. He never liked to wear hats, but Paige didn’t mind. She enjoyed running her hands through his thick black hair even if it annoyed him.

            “Brent?” Paige said as she shut the door and stood in front of it. She reminded herself that he was just a boy and she was strong and could do this. She walked closer to his bed when she realized he was sleeping. It’s a sign for me to leave, she thought to herself, he wouldn’t want to see me anyway. Paige stood in front of his bed and looked around the room. A tray of untouched hospital food sat on a wheeled table next to his bed. She saw his Xbox and a handful of games stacked in a corner next to a rocking chair. A large overstuffed suitcase sat on the floor as well as two pairs of shoes and a pair of navy slippers. A small dresser had more clothes coming out of the drawers. Paige smiled, Brent never liked doing laundry.

            She waited for five minutes and when he didn’t wake up, she turned around and headed for the door. I can’t say I didn’t see him, she thought. He was asleep when she was there, it wasn’t her fault they didn’t get to talk. She knew it was a mistake to come here anyway. If her parents knew she came to visit him, or if Ben ever suspected her of going to see him, things would get ugly, fast. “Paige,” he said as she reached for the door knob. She was almost out the door; she had almost gotten away.  

She turned around; she still came after him, no matter how many times he called for her. She always came running, and she hated herself for letting him do that to her.

            “Hey, Brent,” her voice was barely a whisper as she faced him, again.

            Brent looked up and down, “Why is your hair brown?” he asked as he rubbed his hazel eyes. He went to scratch his head, as if his hair was bothering him. When he realized the beanie was there instead, he quickly put his hand down. 

            “I thought I’d try something different. See if I like being a brunette for a change.”

            “Well,” he said, “you look smarter. At least no one will call you a dumb blonde anymore.” 

            “No one ever did call me that,” Paige replied as she awkwardly moved around his bed to sit on a leather cushioned chair.

            “For God sakes, it’s a joke, Paige. Everyone knows you’re smart, okay?” Brent said as he grabbed the remote for his bed. Paige watched as he adjusted the bed, making him sit upright and at attention. “We all know you were valedictorian…”

            “Okay, I get it. It was a joke,” Paige snapped, cutting Brent off mid-sentence. He had only been awake for two minutes and he was already making fun of her. The two of them had picked up right where they had left off, arguing.

            “I’m just saying, you gave a good speech though.”

“What?

 “Your graduation speech. I missed it, but Tyler, do you know Tyler McDonald? Anyway, his parents recorded the whole ceremony and he came over here a couple weeks ago and let me watch it.”

She wanted to say, “Of course I know who Tyler McDonald is. He’s your best friend. He’s the one who told me to come see you. Stop being a jerk and say you’re sorry.”

            Instead she said, “I’m glad you liked it.” She had known he was sick three weeks before graduation, although she didn’t know how severe it was at the time. She often wondered if the cancer started developing when they were together, maybe she would’ve gotten him to quit smoking sooner. But there was no way of knowing for sure, it was two years ago. She was sixteen and thought boys who smoked were cool.

            “Although, if that was me, if I was valedictorian, I would’ve told all those losers to kiss my a*s. I hated that school. I’m so glad to be out of there, you know?”

            “Well, you’re out now,” Paige replied as she bit the corner of her left thumb nail.

            “Still biting your nails? Such a bad habit, Paige,” Brent said as he began to laugh.

            “Yeah, so is smoking,” Paige replied. She felt her heart stop after she said it. The two of them sat still for a couple seconds before Brent started laughing harder.

            “Yeah, you’re right. I’ve been smoking since I was eleven. Didn’t stop till…you.” Brent looked down and fumbled with the beige hospital blanket he was resting under.   

            “My hair is gone,” he said.

            Paige looked at him and nodded. She knew there was nothing but skin under his beanie. She didn’t know what he looked like without his thick mane. She wondered how it would feel to run her hands over his head, but quickly pushed that thought away. She pictured Ben’s hair; with his short hair-cut and trimmed side-burns.

            “It’s just hair,” Paige said, “ it’ll grow back. How is your mom doing?” 

“She’s alright, I guess. Started going to church with my grandma. Funny, she’s only been one other time in my life and that was when my dad walked out. God didn’t listen to her then, either.”  He looked at Paige and shrugged, “So how are things?” he asked.

“Things are good. Glad to be done with high school. I’ve been pretty busy though.”

            “Oh yeah, doing what?” Brent asked as he reached for his food tray, “Yum, let’s see what I got for breakfast today.”

Paige watched as Brent lifted the food cover off of the plate. It didn’t look so bad to her, but it wasn’t her mother’s usual Saturday breakfast.

“Gross, these eggs are definitely powdered,” Brent complained as put his plastic fork back on the table. “You want my Jell-O cup? I think it’s cherry. It’s always cherry.”

“No, thanks.”

“So, what are you up to?” Brent asked as he took another bite of his breakfast.

“Just school stuff, mostly,” she said as she bit down on her lower lip.

“You mean college stuff?”  

            “Yeah, college stuff.”

            “Where are you going?”

            Paige felt his eyes on her but kept her head down as she said, “I’m going to Arizona State in a couple of months.”

She heard Brent cough then say, “Arizona State? Good job, Paige. You know anyone else from our class going there?”  

            “Do you know Ben Wakefield?”

            “Yeah, did he play basketball?”

            Paige nodded, “Yeah, he’s going there, too.” Paige looked at her first love and said, “We’re going there together, sort of.”

            She looked straight at Brent and met his eyes. Neither of them spoke for what seemed like years. Just when Paige decided to break the tension, Brent said, “You’re going to college, with Ben Wakefield? Why?”

            “He’s my boyfriend.” Paige said under her breath. There, she thought to herself, he knows and I feel better.

            Paige looked at Brent, who was still sitting on his bed, looking straight in front of him. She knew the look on his face; few people had ever seen that look. She had hurt his feelings.

            “Your boyfriend? He’s your boyfriend? You’re going to Arizona State because he’s going, isn’t he? He got a scholarship, didn’t he? And you’re just going to follow him all the way to Arizona State, aren’t you? Because that’s what he wants to do. I bet your parents are happy.”

            “Don’t talk about my parents, Brent. Look, I came over because-”

            “Because why?” he interrupted, “Why did you even bother, I’m sure you and Ben have been so busy picking out matching college s**t or whatever you two do together,” Brent shook his head.

Paige rolled her eyes; he was acting like such a baby. Besides, he was the one who broke up with her. He was the one who always accused her of things she never did. He was the one

who almost tried to hit her. Now he was hurt because she was finally happy and this was how he was treating her. She realized that Brent had a point, why was she here at all? She was devastated at the end of their relationship, even if he had become jealous of everyone who talked to her at school and never trusted her. But she knew she had to see him. Once she went off to college, there was no telling where he would be once he beat his cancer, when he beat it.

            “I came to see you because I wanted to,” Paige said, controlling herself from yelling, “I wanted to see -”

            “You wanted to see if I was dying,” Brent said as he moved around on the bed. Paige looked at him, half upset by what he said and half scared for him. She wondered how long he would have to stay in the hospital, how long he would have to lay in bed and wait to see if the doctors caught the cancer in time.  

           “That’s not true, Brent,” she began to say, “I wanted to make sure you’re okay.”

           “I’m okay,” he replied, “I’m kind of tired still. Do you mind leaving?”  Paige felt her eyes water, he was kicking her out. She knew he didn’t want to see her.

“I’m not ready to leave,” she replied. She knew she was sounding childish and stubborn, but she didn’t care anymore. “Why did you hate me, in the end?” she couldn’t stop herself from asking once she realized she had nothing to lose.

             “I never hated you,” Brent said.

            “You were so mean to me.” Paige felt more tears and let a couple roll down her cheeks.

            “Oh, God, are you seriously crying, Paige?”

“No,” Paige replied. She never wanted him to see her cry, even if he was the one making her.

 “I know you are,” Brent said quietly, “Please don’t cry, Paige. I’m sorry I snapped at you, okay? I didn’t mean to. It’s just this hospital; I don’t do anything all day long. I go to chemo-therapy all day and it makes me tired and cranky, okay? You know how I get when I’m tired.” 

            Paige nodded and said, “I’m sorry for all this.”

            “You didn’t give me lung cancer,” Brent said then smiled at her, “I’m sorry too. I never meant to hurt you, Paige. I really do hope you like college and have fun. For once in your life try to have some fun when you get there, okay? You were always such a little nerd.”

            “I always had fun when I was with you, even if I should’ve been studying,” Paige replied. She wiped a couple more tears from her face, stood up, and walked to Brent, who was still in bed. She smiled when she saw Brent looking at her, “Stop checking me out.”

            “What’d you expect, you’re wearing those shorts,” he replied with a smile. Paige laughed; she remembered that smile as she leaned over the hospital bed. 

            “Is this the part when we do it in the hospital bed?” Brent asked as his smiled widened.

            “No,” Paige said, “this is the part when I do this,” she bent forward and kissed Brent on the forehead. “Get better, okay?” She walked to the door and turned back around to get one last look before she headed home.

            “I will, promise. I’ll see you later, Paige.” Brent said as he waved goodbye to her.

            As Paige walked out of his room, she didn’t cry or feel afraid. She wasn’t mad and didn’t feel like yelling at him. For the first time, she believed him.