Broken Smoke

Poem i wrote for a poetry contest. I won first place for my grade level.

A door slams,

A voice cries out,

No reply, just evil shouts.

The empty air,

Time in between,

The nightmarish thoughts,

But nothing seen.

The smells mixed,

A toxic drink,

Enough to make you stop and think.

You see the hurt; you see the pain,

But all of it is done in vain.

You try to tell the monster stop,

Although you never end on top.

Like an addict in that state of mind,

Never bothers to look behind.

A role model’s what you asked,

You get the opposite of that.

How can you love so much but hate,

A person so close, in that state.

Author's Note

The punctuation might be slightly messed up, sorry!

Reviews

[The Warrior Poet]

This is well-built. Well-worded and though the rhythm and rhyme are tight, they work. I think the rhyme works because the words are well used. Too many times people substitute a word just to make it rhyme and the word doesn't really fit.

Great work.

[Pickleby Davies]

Oh my god. I cannot get over the fact that you are 13, and writing something as wonderful as this.

"The smells mixed,
A toxic drink,
Enough to make you stop and think.
You see the hurt; you see the pain,
But all of it is done in vain."

This is my favorite part with the unforced rhyming, the perfect tempo, and the vivid words.

[Penulis Kecil]

(I said this in chat, but I'm going to repeat it here as well, so that you've got a review!)

This has a pretty good rhythm to it. Rhyming poetry can be tricky because getting the rhyme often leaves a forced feeling behind but for the most part I don't get that from this. Good work. :)