My Obituary

My life and death, as I see it.

Jessica Faelynn Hayes-McAvoy-Cook-Radcliffe-Bale-Rowling was born on October 26, 1985 in Mesa, Arizona. She died on Tuesday (her least favorite day of the week), April 4, 2079, at the age of 93 and a half. She is survived by two younger brothers, her third ex-husband, and her 7 children, 8 step-children, and their spouses. She had 31 grandchildren, 52 great-grandchildren, 9 great-great-grandchildren, and 1 triplely-great-grandchild.

A confessed Anglophile, she married her first husband in 2010, after he stared in the leading role of the first screen adaptation of her acclaimed vampiric series, In Shadows. They had one child together before divorcing in 2013. In 2014 she met her second husband, and they welcomed a child later that year. They were married in 2015 and produced one more child before divorcing in 2018, after her husband discovered Jessica was having a torrid affair with adjectives. In 2020 she married her third husband, and had her last four natural children. Yet another divorce followed in 2033, and another marriage in 2039. She and her good friend JK Rowling were widowed in the same year, when their fourth and second husbands, respectively, passed away in 2047. Jesse, as she was called by friends, turned heads in 2052 when she and JK Rowling became the first homosexual couple to marry on the Moon. She was widowed one last time in 2061.

Some of Jessica’s accomplishments (other than her fruitful loin) include her award winning In Shadows series and movie adaptations, for which she wrote the screenplays. Under pseudonyms, she wrote the Newbury Award winning Princess Charlie series, and the Socially Retarded books, which later became an ABC television show. Before her mother’s death in 2042, the two wrote 7 books in their Kelly Girls mystery series, of which three movies were made, staring Scarlett Johansson and Shiloh Jolie-Pitt.

Last Tuesday, Jessica set about her daily business working on her final book, the last installment of the Kelly Girls series. At approximately 3:30pm an escaped Ferruginous Rough-leg swooped through her open window, mistook her newest hairstyle for a coyote pup, and clawed her eyes out in the tussle. While she was trying to find her way to the phone, authorities assume, she took a fall down her basement stairs, where she was consumed by an animal hatched from a frog’s egg. The remains of a hen were also found in the basement. At press time, the police were unaware of the egg’s contents, and the whereabouts of the creature within.

Closed casket services will be held Saturday, April 8 and 2:00pm at Hillside Memorial. Donations are being accepted for Demelza House.

Author's Note

This seems a bit more appropriate, post-purge....

Reviews

[Treasaigh (The Solitar..]

Wow! You're quite the visionary!=) I'm still smiling!=) Very witty! Fun! Love it!!;)

[Victoria Magana]

Woo!!! Homo Rowling! I agree with you Jesse! Pretty isn't she?

[Captain Savage]

I really like the idea you have , rather tragic your love life however. I thought this was very funny however. good job, a very bad way to die if you ask me, but it makes a great story to tell the grand kids I suppose, well that is assuming those grandfathers out there still talk to their grandkids about you, though looking at it, some of them might rejoice in your style of death, its a damn shame.

[Nihad Dweidary]

My donation will be a "new obituary"... one that tells the real account of Jessica xxxxxxx's life. I am working on it as of tonight. ;-)

Love,

Nihad

[Siobhan MacIntyre]

OMG, I'm laughing so hard I'm nearly crying. Fruitful loins, torrid affair with adjectives. And check out your name! I'm completely in agreement on all of those guys, BTW, except for Rowling. Not my type. Too....female!

This was very entertaining.

[Bekka]

My God cousin you are brillent. I can't wait till you die too...lmao you're fabulouso!!!!

~Becky~

[Adamdust]

Fruitful loin! awesome absurd tranposing of concepts. did vonnegut write the part about the multi-husbands and kids burgeoning from the years of wedlock? you took his voice and made it your own - in my own mind, anyway. It was so fun to read, i can't wait til you die and see the real obit! (..............) lol

[Bryan L]

HA HA HA. I don't know where to begin. Suffice it to say: this is awesome!

[Cat O'nine]

RFLMAO!!!! great piece of humor with a sick twist.

Im with Jinx, this is hitting the Favs.

[Jinx]

OMF(IDH)!!!!!! That was hilarious! Oh cousin, you've outdone yourself on that one!

I have to give this a FAVS!

Abso-f*****g-lutely brilliant. LMAO