Times

Just a little thing that i made up not even sure if anyone will read thing but its worth a try- i know I'm not very good but if anyone has some constructive criticism for me that would be brilliant.

The single worst thing that i hate about Adam, is the way he breathes.

Late at night when i cannot sleep and turn over hoping to be greeted with his smile, oh no.

I unwillingly received a chokingly loud gasp in my face. In fact the more i think about it, i don't just hate it but i loathe it. Last week we were watching a movie on my couch, it was a romantic cry your heart out kind of film and it had just reached the point when you had to hold your breath, wipe your tears away and intently wait on the final climatic revelation. Then just as i didn't think i could handle the suspense anymore, his loud breathing pulled me out of the moment and distracted me. I looked at him hoping he would get the hint and he immediately stopped. He obviously does it on purpose to annoy me or something i know he does.

I would love to say that me and Adam have had a strong two year relationship, but that would be a lie. We have broke up and gotten back together so many times i have lost count. Adam and i are fighting a constant battle with ourselves about how to let each other go. I read online once that if two people are supposed to be together then they will always find their way back. I also have heard Adam say the same thing to me when he was trying to make me feel better about taking him back for the one millionth time. I suppose I'm not being fair because truthfully it is my fault just as much as Adams. Even if me and Adam did one day find the courage to separate, i don't think i would be able to forget him. I  genuinely think that what me and him share is something that cannot be forgotten, no matter how badly i want to. 

I was fourteen when i met Adam for the first time. He moved to our school in the January of third year at secondary school. I remember the childish buzz of excitement flashing through everyone as the news was delivered that a new pupil would be attending Dumbarton High School. Our school was rather small therefore the thought of somebody new was a large deal that wasn't taken lightly. I would to be all romantic and say that i remember him walking through the door to our geography class and feeling the zaps of romantic chemistry filling my body as he sat next to me. But no. I don't even remember him being in my geography class if I'm honest let alone him sitting beside me for a month. He remembers though i suppose thats romantic kind of.  It could've had been because i had another boy on my mind. For months i had been trying to get my friend Canna’s brother’s friend to notice me. His name was Daniel. Daniel was blonde, 6 ft tall and was beautiful. He was half Italian and had tanned skin. He also played rugby and had an amazing six pack that i got the pleasure of viewing whenever i went to Canna’s holiday home with her brother and Daniel. Daniel is someone who became a big part of my life from the moment he first started texting me. Time flew by and by March i decided enough was enough and i finally decided to force him to notice me. Canna had arranged a party at her house on a Saturday night so i decided that i would do everything i could for him to think i was pretty. I didn't eat all day, spent two hours in the shower thoroughly cleaning myself and shaving every part of my body there was with an exception of eyebrows and hair. I piled on the fake tan, make up, got into the shortest dress that were sure to show off my assets and sprayed my perfume like never before. 

When i arrived at the party, i saw Daniel with a girl. The girl wasn't even pretty she was just blonde and yes i am still holding a jealous grudge. After the first hour went by i realised the clock was ticking and i needed to step up my game and go up to him. I toyed with that for the next ten minutes just then Canna and my other friend Lily grabbed me and pulled me into the hallway. Lily pulled out a 70l bottle of vodka. It suddenly hit me that the only way i was going to be able to get that boy to notice me was if i became a lot more confidant and fast. i grabbed the bottle and poured  at least a quarter into my cup, straight. I stood in that hallway and with all the factors hitting me such as not having eaten all day and not having drunk vodka before, i chugged the the whole cup. The group of people chanting me on consisted of all my good friends who as concerned as they were for my health, were to irresponsible and wanted to see me drunk. I had another cup and by that time i could hardly see. The effects were taking over and I've never felt so exhilarated before. i stumbled over to Daniel and to this day i am still not exactly sure what i said to him, but whatever it was, it brought great concern upon Cannas mum who was standing near by. That night i was sick at least four times and three of which were not in a toilet. Daniel helped me into bed and changed my clothes for me and brushed vomit out of my hair and held back my hair. I can only remember certain parts of that night and Daniels face when he stroked my head to make me feel better is something i cant forget. Not even my closest friends helped me like he did. 

The next day i received a text from him. As ill and embarrassed as i felt i couldn't help my be cheered up by his text. He had only asked if i was ‘feeling rough’ but even still that text is what started me and him.

Texts flew between us and soon, words exchanged in school, and eventually words were exchanged when he invited me out. We properly started going out in April and by June, i realised he was the one i wanted to lose my virginity to. At the age of fourteen i had sex with him first the first time. I still remember how perfect it was. It probably doesn't sound like anybody's dream, but for me it was all i could have wanted at the time. I loved him and he loved me. I believe that is all that matters when deciding when to lose your virginity. We used protection and i felt confidant that i everything was fine. I left his house that day and went straight to Lily’s to tell her all about as normal girls do. Some details about it i kept to myself. I kept it because i wanted it to be private and something i could keep for just me.

A few hours had gone by and Daniel hadn't text me at all. In a modern day world like this, this is quite strange. I went to the cinema with my friends that night and by eleven o clock he still hadn't said anything. The panic came over me. I had to keep it quiet because i knew if i told my friends all they would do was give me sympathy looks and then discuss how ‘sorry’ they feel for me later when I'm not there. Because we all know what has happened. When i get home all  feel is a mixture of confusion upset and anger. A couple days go by of complete pain and i just feel like a walking dried up shell of hurt inside me. So many questions running through me and i don't know what to do. I take into my own hands and finally decide to phone him. The phone rings too long heart wrenching rings as i wait to find out what is going on. The call rings out to voicemail. Am i overreacting or is he ignoring me. A week goes by of continuous checks of him social media - nothing.  Continuous phone calls- nothing. I decide to go round to his house. I am so worried he thinks i am overreacting it has only been a week without speaking to him. But it s also a convenient time, just after he got what he wanted. 

As i walked towards his house, i could see there were no lights on. A voice in my head told me i was being psychotic, its only been a week is it reasonable of me to turn up at his house demanding to know? But it isn't fair on me, the curiosity eating away at me. I had had enough and i needed answers. After a deep breath, i knocked a harsh knock on the door using the frustration i had inside of me. Daniel opened the door himself. I knew just by his facial expression he had immediately regretted opening the front door. 

“B-B-Bella?” He stuttered in disbelief clearly in denial that it was in fact me standing in front of him.

A wave of sadness hit me when i looked at him. I knew i shouldn't have came here. How could i be so stupid? He had gone out of his way too purposely ignore me. Why did i have to ask for answers- i don't even know if i want to know. 

He invited me inside and i perched on the edge of his couch feeling like the uninvited guest that i was, and he explained his reasoning for the ignorance. Daniel sat opposite me and looked me straight in the eye.

‘Sam called me last week and said we needed to meet, i met up with her but it was only because she sounded urgent”  He explained, looking uncomfortable. 

I flinched when he said her name.

Before me and Daniel were together, he had a girlfriend. Her name was Samantha, that much i knew. She didn't go to our school but i remember seeing picture of the two of them on social media. She was blonde and skinny and beautiful. I once asked Daniel about her and he said they broke up because she got bored. 

“Well, last month when you were at Canna’s holiday house up North, Sam phoned me because she wanted to sort things out between me and her. I said no Bella, trust me i honestly did. She turned up at my house and i had to let her in, i felt sorry for her. One thing led to another.. I’m sorry i wasn't thinking at the time Bell i swear!” 

My face stayed expressionless and still.  A single tear strolled down my cheek. 

“Why didn't you tell me Daniel? Why would you tell me over a month later after ignoring me for a week? This doesn't make any sense” i said in desperation.

“No Bella, i ignored you because it wasn't just a one off. I love you Bell but Sam and me have so much history between us and it is a weird situation. I didn't think i was this kind of boy, i didn't think i could ever be capable of this. When Sam broke up with me i tried to forget about her by forcing myself to move on before i was ready.. with you. This doesn't mean you aren't special to me because you are Bella” He reached out for my hand, i slapped it away in anger.

“SPECIAL? you call me SPECIAL just after you tell me you've been having sex with your ex behind my back for the past month?” i demanded.

“No don’t be angry Bells i didn't mean to hurt you its just unfortunate i dragged you into all this i wasn't thinking straight.. i want to end on good terms” he smiled weakly.

I looked at his face, dead in his eyes. I felt no love, no respect, not even anger for him. Just an empty, sad feeling. I didn't even reply to him. I just walked out of that house and never walked back in again. At first i felt angry that he had lied. But after a while i came to realise all i felt was regret. Regret about my virginity. I will never be able to look back on my first time without feeling the same dull sad ache in my chest that i first felt when he told me he had cheated on me. The worst part was we went to the same school. Walking along corridors and seeing his face brung the ache back, especially when he guiltily half smiled at me.  Seeing things on social media about him and Samantha were unbearable. Pictures of them, tweets, posts about what a good boyfriend he is. At least he was to one of us. My friends pitied me. They supported me but at the end of the day, they found me a bit pathetic. i could see it on their faces whenever i spoke about something Daniel said or used to do. They didn't really understand what i was feeling. 

After everything that happened with Daniel, my confidence fell from a 7 to a 2. I felt horrible about myself all the time. 

- Not finished yet just the first section-

Author's Note

let me know what you think as i am not confident with this piece!
Even if it is a negative comment- ANYTHING
Please please please tel me what you think!

Reviews

[huskandhunger]

The delivery on this has its own quirkiness and feels believable. It comes out naturally, and it shows you have a strong voice as a writer.

Keep up the writing, this is an awesome beginning and it makes the reader want to know what happens next :D

[Lily Cavern]

Thank you very much for the wonderful review i will continue to write more!

[JayG]

After you said such nice things to me, I'm about to prove that no good deed goes unpunished.

But first, a disclaimer: Nothing I have to say has to do with your talent and potential as a writer. Nor is it a reflection on the story. The problem is that you, like most of us, are the victim of a giant misunderstanding: We leave our school days believing that writing is writing. And since we've learned to write, and love reading, we assume that we need only practice, a knack for words, and a good story idea.

If only...

But, look at WHY we learn to write. The entire purpose of public education is to provide us with a set of general skills that will be of use to us in life and on the job.

Remember how many reports, essays and papers you had to write? They were meant to inform the reader, concisely and accurately. So, they were fact-based and author centric. You, the author, EXPLAINED the situation to the reader.

But do we read fiction to learn the details? Or is our goal to be entertained—which is an emotional, not a factual goal? See the problem?

Look at the words of this story. Aren't they, in reality, the words of someone TELLING about the story, in the way you would, had I been with you and said, "So tell me about the time..."

And given that you can tell me how the character's in the story speak a given line, but can't tell me how the words of the narrator are spoken, doesn't that pretty well strip the emotion from the narrator's words? Have your computer read them aloud and you'll hear what I mean.

The writing skills we learn in school are nonfiction skills, and their goal is to inform the reader, not entertain. Yes, they had you write fiction in school. But not a lot, and the one grading the papers was probably not a successful fiction writer.

To entertain, the events of the story are only the motivation for your protagonist to act. So to have your protagonist be the reader's avatar that reader must know the thing that motivated the character's actions, exactly as the protagonist understands it. Only then can we place ourselves into the protagonist's persona. Only then will we CARE.

To better understand what it means, you might want to look at the article below. It shows how knowing the protagonist's perception of the situation influences how the reader views it:
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/2011/09/22/the-grumpy-writing-coach-8/

My point is that it's possible that you are literally awash in talent. But until that talent has the necessary tools... After all, if you want to please the reader as much as the pros do, doesn't it make sense that you need to know what the pro knows?

It's a simple problem to fix. You're missing the tricks of the trade, so you need to acquire a few. Unfortunately, it's not an easy problem to fix because you not only have to acquire the necessary knowledge and practice it till you use the tools without having to think about them, you have to convince your present writing reflexes to stop shouting, "No, that's not the right way!" each time you try to use those tools in place of the nonfiction shills you presently own.

But the good news is that the learning, like going backstage at the theater, is fun. And the result is a story that places the reader into the protagonist's moment of "now" so strongly that if someone throws a rock at the protagonist the reader will duck.

So how do you acquire those skills without getting a degree in commercial fiction writing? A great place to begin is with a few books on fiction writing technique. Your local library's fiction-writing section holds the views of successful writers, agents and other publishing pros, and some really great teachers.

My personal recommendation is to seek the names Dwight Swain, Jack Bickham, or Debra Dixon on the cover. My writing articles might be worth a look, to get a feel for the issues involved, because they're aimed at the hopeful writer, and based on the books I suggested.

I know you weren't hoping for this kind of news. Who would? I certainly didn't on the day I learned it. But since they didn't mention it in our schooling (the teachers learned their writing in the same classrooms, so who was there to tell them?), it's something we all face on the road to publication.

So hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writin

[emmajoy]

I so wanted to enjoy your story, the first para is quite enticing and i'd love to read on and find out how things move on for writer and Adam and whatever their life is. However, the font is just too small for such long blocks/paragraphs, plus there's next to no dialogue to give it some changes of light.

If you could make some changes, I'd be more than happy to review properly, truly would. Won't lie, it wouldn't be fair to you because it's more than obvious you want to do brilliantly.

Will raise my rating at a later date.

IF YOU don't respond to a review, there's no point in bothering!!!

[Nigel Newman]

Lily Hi. You wrote some kind things about one of my pieces so here's the return favour.

I think my main observation is really 'yes, and ...?' by which I mean where is the writing going? Most stories reach some kind of end, albeit sometimes a bit false and corny, where all the loose ends are tidied away and the main drama reaches a conclusion. Well, this isn't like that. So that leads to a possible suggestion, which is that you turn this into a sort of diary (a bit like Bridget Jones, I suppose). I think that could work quite well. It's already structured into mini-episodes, so it's half way there already. Just a thought.

The other thing I couldn't help noticing is the frequent spelling and punctuation errors. I think some of these things may be you needing to proof read and edit more rigorously, but the more I read it I wondered if actually some of the dialogue by the people you write about was actually deliberately intended to be bad English? If so, I suggest you make a clearer separation by perhaps putting their bits in speech marks and making doubly sure that the other parts are grammatically spot on.

I think the other thing that struck me was I wasn't sure who I was meant to like. As a reader, I tend to imagine that the writer intends that I feel things for the characters, either like them, suspect them, distrust them, etc etc. Going back to my Bridget Jones suggestion, I seem to recall she would sometimes take several paragraphs to do a character assassination on someone, so that was extremely clear! But even just a little more background can help. So for example, take Daniel. Apparently the 'you' in the piece had been wanting him to notice 'you' for months ... why? Was he good looking, did he wear great clothes, did he play in a band, etc etc??? And how did this make 'you' feel? Again, it's just a suggestion, but these types of things would help the reader to get deeper into the characters.

Hope this helps.
Nigel

[Lily Cavern]

Hi Nigel,
I probably should have mentioned in a prior comment that it is really a rough piece if I'm honest i haven't managed to have a proper re-read/edit of it, however I will do that a bit later on. I have also taken up on your advice and added in a bit of background about Daniel, as I totally agree.
Thank you very much for your review, I appreciate it a lot!

Lily.

[Nigel Newman]

Lily, one more suggestion - an overnight thought! Bill Bryson often writes pieces about this length, and one could describe many of them as humorous rants. Sometimes it's a little like watching a printed version of 'Angry Old Men'. However, he has a very neat way of tying the finish back to the beginning, whereas I just looked at your final paragraph for anything about Andy or loud breathing and found nothing. Have a look at almost any of his pieces in a book like Notes from a Small Island or Notes from a Big Country and you'll quickly see what he does - just look at the first couple of paragraphs then skip to the last paragraph - usually the last sentence.

[Lily Cavern]

Sorry, I think you may have misunderstood,
As i have mentioned on numerous occasions, this is an unfinished piece therefore I will be continuing to write more and then I shall post the completed piece once i am done.
But thanks anyway

[Nigel Newman]

That's fine and sorry if I seemed not to be taking notice. I look forward to seeing the revised version.
Regards
Nigel

[venika]

wwooooww.w..... starting was nice and the daniel part was awesome..... cn u plss write the whole story bcz i am desperate to read.... many questions are there in my mind..... bt overall it was a fantastic starting and thoughts.....:)

[Lily Cavern]

Thank you your review was wonderful i will upload the rest in a while!